


Crazy

by SetoAngel01



Category: Raphril - Fandom, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows (2016)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Feels, Friends to Lovers, Insecurity, Interspecies Relationship(s), Love, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-10
Updated: 2017-07-08
Packaged: 2018-05-06 01:52:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 69,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5398367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SetoAngel01/pseuds/SetoAngel01
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maybe he was crazy or just imagining it; or maybe he was in way over his head. After all, how could the beautiful reporter ever fall in love with him? Fate just wasn't that kind - but maybe this time, fate would prove him wrong. 2014-2016 Raphril.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Crazy

**Author's Note:**

> I got this idea last night and just had to get it on paper. I finished a page and the mojo of seeing the new trailer for the TMNT 2016 movie had me finish the first chapter. Hope y'all enjoy as I try and tackle my otp of otp's, 2k14 universe, Raphril.

It's been months since they met for what seemed to be a lifetime ago. For some reason, Raphael was having a hard time remembering life before her. That dreaded existence before he learned the name, April O'Neil. A time before her steel blue eyes and auburn hair that always smelt so damn good became part of his everyday existence on this planet.

It was his dreaded secret, his muse, his obscure obsession.

Raphael was in love with April O'Neil.

He finally admitted that small detail to himself only weeks after knowing of her name. Maybe he was imagining it. Whether it be her touches that lasted a second too long or her eyes always seeking out his even in a room with his brothers and Splinter. Maybe it was her always calling and texting him when her contact with his brothers was minimal. Perhaps it was her always inviting him over to watch movies or just to hang out - whatever this was that was happening - it was sure to make him completely mental.

The giant red-banded terrapin sighed as he glanced back down at the tiny cellular device in his hands. He always questioned Donnie's propensity for making their mobile phones so fucking tiny when his fingers were abnormally giant and thick to even get the numbers right most of the time. He never told or faulted Donnie though. He just made due with what his genius brother provided him - no questions asked.

"You free tonite?" the words spelled out but Raph was still sitting where he'd been twenty minutes ago. Doing nothing but staring at the text the beautiful April had sent him.

It was pathetic really.

The way his heart hammered and palms itched whenever he struggled to come up with the words to say back - not to mention his stomach lined with knots whenever he was in her mere presence. It was enough to drive him mad.

Raphael swore she was just doing it to torture him.

"Yeah." he finally text in response; sending it before he could change his mind.

Now he would wait patiently for her to write back. The anxiety burrowing deep inside his chest eating away at him as he went over his last message to her. Hoping he didn't sound completely desperate or needy. That's the last thing Raphael wanted to portray.

His phone beeped in signaling her response and he almost swallowed his tongue.

"Great! Do you wanna come over and hang out? I got a new movie you might like. Let me know asap. :-)" The smiley face. Always with the smiley face. His heart pounded against his sternum as he read her text over and over. Shaking his head at his own stupidity over this whole situation. After all, she was more than likely just bored/lonely and he was the best candidate for company. Donnie would just go on and on over some project he was working on, Leo's anal-retentiveness usually rubbed her the wrong way especially when ol' Fearless started criticizing her housework, and Mikey...was Mikey - destructive, loud, and flirtatious; truth be told, there was only so much someone could handle. Raph, on the other hand, was quiet, but would converse if asked, cleaned up after himself, had her same dry, sarcastic sense of humor, and April seemed to think he was good company...but any good feeling he got from thinking that fell to the wayside when another thought crossed his mind...

Casey must be busy... He grumbled internally. Yeah, Casey Fuckin' Jones came out of fucking nowhere all damn bad boy hot and shit and making April smile and giggle like some rabid schoolgirl. It made his blood boil at how easy they became friends. Casey's smooth charms and confidence only made Raph's insecurities more illuminated. His plastron ached the more he thought about how little of a chance he ever actually stood to even gain her attention - gain this beautiful girl's friendship when someone like Casey Jones was there. A human. Attractive, heroic, dumb as a damn brick sometimes, but could be just as charming as Mikey if he wanted to be. It was Casey who could take April out without inciting a riot. It made Raphael fucking sick...

"Sure. What time should I be there?" he quickly text back before he could talk himself out of it. He figured less time she spend with Casey the better. After all, they were still just friends it seemed. If they were dating, Raph would have heard it from Mikey since him and April tended to gossip about everything. But no news on that yet...

But what's the fuckin' point? They'll end up together anyway... Raph groaned internally as he stared at the annoyingly bright 'SENT' message his phone chirped. He threw the small device on the bed next to him and put his rough face into his hands as he tried and calm his breathing. With his eyes closed, he easily saw her face in his mind's eye. That perfect heart-shaped face with those big blue eyes and dusty pink lips all surrounded by bouncing waves of auburn silk. He saw her so perfectly, all those pretty white teeth smiling at him at some joke that caused her such soft breathy laughter. Raphael never believed in his wildest dreams that anyone could look upon a freak like him like that...not how she did.

His eyes burned fiercely as his heart groaned in his chest. He hated how he was under the reporter's spell. How easily he bent to her whim and would do fucking anything just to see that smile light up her face. If love was such an amazing feeling - why did it hurt so bad? In the logical part of his brain, he knew he should just cut it off. Just make it his goal not to see her anymore. Like a blood-crusted band-aid; just rip it off and be done with it. It would hurt like hell to not see her, smell her, or touch her, but it would hurt much less in the long run if he kept up this charade - where eventually, his beating heart would be brutally ripped out from his chest..

Raphael lifted his head upon hearing his phone suddenly chirp. Quickly picking it up in his huge fingers, he read her response.

"The sooner, the better. I got us some take-out. Hope you're hungry. See you soon. ;-)" he read and he swallowed down the lump that suddenly clogged his throat when he saw the winking emoticon.

"Be right there." he wrote out and sent back.

He angrily threw the phone on the bed next to him and groaned verbally into his hands,

"Dammit...maybe I am just fuckin' crazy..."


	2. Running

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raphael never ran away from anything, but this may be the first time he's been tempted to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about not updating this for awhile but I got distracted by Christmas and stuff. Hopefully next chapter will come out quicker, but we shall see. Thanks for all the support for this by the way. It was really unexpected. Glad y'all are enjoying it thus far.

Raphael loved running.

He wasn't sure exactly when it became a demented hobby of his, but he enjoyed it. Fresh stinging air against his face was not an experience he was able to experience til the last few years of his life. Being stuck underground in stagnant air was not an environment he was fond of but tolerated. The flashes of childhood memories in those dank, dark dungeon location was fresh in his mind when compared to the freedom of the outside world.

Life in the sewers felt like a prison- complete with steel bars over the storm drains.

Raph and his brothers spent many days just peering out upon lives that would never be theirs. Seeing humans walking across that never would know four mutant turtles were watching them walk - their large curious eyes and astonished faces just inches away from their trampling feet. The same citizens and city that would never know it was being protected by heroes they would never accept or care to even know their names.

Underground was hell; but here, above everything, running across rooftops and feeling the scrape of stone under his feet and cold wind gliding across his thick skin was a sense of freedom he'd come to depend on like fresh air.

Suddenly, he stopped upon a ledge, realizing he was atop April's apartment building. His lungs burned but his body never felt more alive. Blood rushing throughout his torso and limbs like electric fire through his veins; releasing endorphins and a high like no drug could replicate.

A few calm breaths later, he made his way down the fire escape to the fourth floor where her window was illuminated by a golden glow contrasted against the inky black night that surrounded it. How just the sight of her window screamed warmth and comfort was simply amazing to Raphael.

Everything about her was so... _comfortable._

The ease of which this beautiful woman could accept each of them continually blew his mind. How a breathtakingly beautiful woman could love and accept four mutant turtles and a mutated rat as much as a close family within days after knowing them shook the red-banded terrapin to his very core.

A deep sobering awareness overcame him at that moment in front of that small window.

The selfishness he'd been harboring over her attention to the new human in their lives. Here was this wonderful girl who accepted them. Loved them. Cared enough to keep in contact with four strange mutant turtles and rat father when she could have just never spoken to them again. Sure, her reaction of falling unconscious upon seeing their visage for the first time had been expected, she quickly got over it - taking their appearance and existence in stride.

Any other human would have been in near-hysterics; but not April.

Instead of checking herself in for a straight jacket at the nearest asylum, she grew to know them and realize her part in their lives - for saving them all those years ago before he even became aware of her. Now to call this same girl, this Hogasha, _friend_ \- that should be enough. Raphael choked down his own selfishness at wanting her to be more, he knew deep down, he was being stupid.

Catching a quick glance of himself in the reflective glass pane - the reality of the situation made itself dreadfully clear. He'd always hated mirrors and avoided them damn near constantly, but for now, Raphael took in his appearance without blinders. To see what she would see, and only one thing came to the terrapin's mind - _**monster.**_

A huge hulking monster complete with green skin, flat nose, and hideous rough features especially compared to Casey's bad boy human charm, chiseled chin, and perfect teeth.

_Who was he kidding?_

Like he ever stood a _chance._

Everything inside of him at that moment told him to run as the cold of the night began seeping into his skin and veins. Told him just to turn around and never come back but the more logical part of him told him to knock. To relish the fact that this beautiful girl was a friend - his friend that he just agreed to hang out with. How much of a coward would be he had he just turned around just because she would never look at him like anything more?

The very fact she looked at him at all was a miracle in and of itself.

Raphael's wrapped knuckles were tapping upon the thin pane before his mind fully registered their movement. He heard a cheery " _Coming!"_ before April had pulled the window up and instantly smiled at him.

Perhaps it was instinct.

Maybe it was he just didn't know what to fuck to say, but upon seeing her standing there, he froze like a deer in headlights.

No imagining in his mind's eye could compare to seeing her this way. Even without a lick of makeup and hair in a messy bun, beautiful was a word that paled in comparison to describe the brunette. He nuances of her face; sharp cheekbones, pouty dusty pink lips, and the most incredible smile. It still astonished him how easily her eyes instantly sought out his own. There was no hesitation for the visage she was taking in at this moment. The same reflection he himself just saw did not deserve the smile that was currently lighting up her face; her smile, brighter than a million suns upon his heart - the warmth she exuded compared to the cold winter night was a beacon upon his tired, angry soul.

"Hey! You must be freezing, Raph! Hurry, come on in!" April continued without commentating upon his sudden silence; scooting back to give him enough access to make his way inside.

Raphael obeyed instantly with a quick nod of his head, gingerly maneuvering his hulking body to fit effortlessly through the seemingly too small window. The warmth instantly seeping into his system upon his feet hitting the cool linoleum flooring. What he didn't expect was April's arm wrapping over his torso, thin fingers pressing into his sensitive sides as far as they could go. He tried his damnedest not to flinch at the contact and cursed when she pulled away almost as soon as she latched on.

If she was offended with him stiffening up, she didn't mention it - just smiled and spoke.

"I'm so happy to see you. Sorry it's been awhile; work has been _hell_." April laughed, not deterred from his earlier reaction and yet again, hugged him. Her short arms embracing him as best she could, her small fingertips and short green nails digging pleasantly into his sides. This time, he had sobered up enough to stop being an idiot and quickly returned the hug, large rough hands pressed on the small of her back; valiantly fighting the urge to take a deep breath of her messy hair bun, which always smelled like flowers.

Sadly, it didn't last forever, but once it was over, Raphael wasn't sure if he just imagined it or what, but the second she pulled away, her cheeks were flushed as she almost nervously spun around and sauntered back to the living room, still speaking as if nothing was amiss.

"Anyway, I got a couple choices from the Redbox because I wasn't sure what movie you were in the mood to watch tonight, so I'll leave the final decision up to you." her voice trailed off as she walked around the room before heading toward the hallway.

Once she disappeared around the corner and he was left alone with his thoughts, the dread he'd felt earlier began rising in his chest as those same persistent ugly lingering doubts began plaguing his mind. Seemingly like a beacon of light, April returned; smile lighting up his heart as she walked straight toward him, a fluffy blue towel held in such small delicate hands squashed those horrible murmurings down in an instant.

Raphael found he couldn't speak as instead of handing the towel for him to towel off the sleet that still clung to his skin, she instead began wiping him down and as much as his mind screamed at him to run - _God, he loved her so much_ \- to pull away before he got too far over his head. To take off back into the night and never look back, the thoughts of fight or flight - those same instinct to protect himself from what would no doubt be the most debilitating heartbreak anyone could imagine - one thing still wouldn't change.

Raphael never ran and he wasn't going to start now.

Instead, he swallowed down those thoughts and smiled at her.


	3. Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April falls asleep leaning on him and Raphael has no idea how to handle it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally finished it! This chapter was a nightmare, I tell you... Gah! Delving into Raph's psych is harder than I thought; here's to hoping I didn't completely screw it up. Next chapter is already halfway done, so we'll see how that goes. Have a great weekend, y'all.

If there was greater occasion in which Raphael would give absolutely anything for the chance to curl into his shell to escape the world around him - _this was the moment._

The night was going as it usually went every previous time he'd been here with her: mainly spent eating nauseatingly greasy Chinese take-out while watching the newest release action movie - it was almost like clockwork considering the dozens of instances he'd been in this exact situation before. All of this combined with comfortable, light conversation; overall, it was shaping up to be another pleasant evening spent in the comforting presence of the beautiful reporter. Better yet, he had yet to say anything stupid or screw it up - so altogether, a successful night.

The large terrapin fully suspected it would end the same way as every other time; after the second movie, Raphael would make a show of stretching his arms and helping her clean up their leftover food. Sure, there had been occasions April would ask him to stay the night to avoid him having to head back out into the chill of winter weather and the long trek back home, but it ended up with him blubbering some nonsense about Leo or Splinter needing him back for training or patrol.

It was complete and utter bullshit, but Raphael did not want to intrude.

He felt awkward enough just hanging out with her - spending the night just seemed to be a boundary Raphael wasn't fully ready to accept just yet; mainly, he just didn't want to get his hopes up. After all, there was no way April actually wanted his massive form furthering collapsing the springs in her couch overnight - she was just being polite; at least, that's what he forced himself to believe. So, for this moment, he was just enjoying the moment he had alone with her.

It wasn't until halfway through the second movie that the world shifted and Raphael found himself spinning in an orbit of chaos and confusion.

Raph had been sitting innocently enough, arms loosely crossed over his chest as his eyes remained fixated upon the flashing television screen. The movie was decent enough - car chases, explosions, fighting; although incredibly awkward watching beautiful scantily-clad women in sweaty sex scenes with April in close proximity, but other than that odd occurrence, the rest went over well with him as far as cinematic presentations went. Shit, it didn't matter what movie was playing, even if it was nothing but static, it was enough to just be with her for awhile - the presence of April near him calmed him in a way nothing ever did. So, when a sudden brush of silky hair had trailed over his arm, Raphael's heart nearly gave out in shock.

Raph flung his head in April's direction, mainly to see if the was merely nudging him in attempt at seeking his attention, when a sudden lump clogged his throat when instead the gorgeous reporter was fast-asleep; head causing the lightest pressure upon his massive bicep.

Everything inside of his body protested this new reality.

After all, he had enough trouble just sitting next to her without his heart hammering out of his chest; let alone her touching him even unintentionally. Well, technically, she probably didn't anticipate or mean to fall asleep on him, but that still didn't matter in the long run - all that mattered at this moment was that she was; and he had no fucking idea what to do or even how to deal with it.

Raphael's brain nearly imploded as he tried to figure out exactly what to do in this situation.

His first instinct was to wake her but he just didn't have the heart. One glance at her face told her just how peaceful she was and to wake her up right now would just be plain cruel. Not ignoring the light bags under her eyes as well as how intense her work schedule had been as of late. Yet, this girl, probably being utterly exhausted still asked him to hang out; taking time out of her precious sleep time in order to hang out with him of all people. So to wake her up just because he was uncomfortable was just cruel; not to mention she might be horrifically embarrassed. Other options were to gently as possibly lying her down or carrying her to bed but if she woke up during either was the possibly last situation he wanted to find himself in.

With every possibly scenario exhausted, Raphael found himself with only one final option - not to move a freaking inch in the horrifying contingent that she might just wake up and pull away from him if he did.

Raphael hated how desperate he sounded but the feel of her pressing her delicate form against him in any circumstance was like utter euphoria. Having her in close enough proximity to feel her warmth and the tickle of her breath and to smell that gorgeous mane of hers was too good an opportunity to pass up. Buckling down for what no doubt would be both the worst and greatest night of his life, Raphael was able to procure a blanket from the arm of the couch and gently cover her curled form before relaxing deeper into the worn leather. A deep breath entered and exited his lungs as he allowed his body to relax and hopefully, his heart to stop pounding viciously against his sternum.

A few deep breaths later, he'd calmed enough to turn his full attention back to the television. The terrapin was grateful April had left the remote close enough to change the channel if need be because there was no way in hell he was falling asleep.

The last thing Raph trusted was himself to sleep around her. Freaking terrified of his listless movement during sleep he'd dealt with since he could remember. Recalling instances of himself swinging arms wildly; his brother's getting bloodied snouts when they tried to wake him from particularly bad nightmares. There was no way he was risking that near April - not considering the fact he could seriously end up injuring her - even unintentionally killing her. April may not necessarily be weak by certain standards, but compared to his unbridled, inhuman strength, breaking her bones would be like snapping a toothpick between his massive fingers.

Raphael was _never_ allowing that to happen.

Buckling down for a long night, he turned the channel, careful to lower the volume as to not disturb her rest. His sensitive ears easily picked up the nearly muted voices from the television anyway even if the content was hardly enough to hold much attention considering there was nothing much on after midnight with the limited cable channels April had on her tight budget. He'd have to remind himself to tell Donnie to hook her up with some satellite when he got back to the lair. As he remained as still as death during this time, Raphael inwardly cursed his attention deficit disorder - he'd always been a rowdy kid with way too much nervous energy. Staying still was practically punishment, but with one glance at the beautiful woman curled ever so slightly against his side, he knew it was worth it.

It was now he recognized this gift for what it was - an opportunity to take her in without any harm or awkward staring. With her asleep, he could take in every detail he previously was too nervous to take notice of while she was awake and aware of his eyes on her. Raphael knew it was probably the creepiest thing in the world, but if he was stuck doing absolutely nothing for however long she stayed asleep, he may as well fucking enjoy it.

Golden irises roamed her fair skin, which was free of any of that cakey make-up she had to wear while on call - no bright pink blush, smokey eye shadow, or harsh black eyeliner to be seen. Without it obstructing her bare skin he saw a light brush of cinnamon freckles on her high cheek bones with dark long lashes splayed against them; auburn hair hastily tied in a loose bun, curly strands coming to rest over her face and neck, a couple tendrils flicking over his thick reptilian skin with her every breath.

_Damn..._ he mused inwardly, simply entranced by her natural beauty; coming to the quick conclusion that April O'Neil was easily her most gorgeous just like this...

Raphael would never understand human's obsession with make-up and looking airbrushed and the media's definition of "perfect" considering it only made April's job much harder. It was hard not to notice her tending to skip meals to fit into those impossibly tight skinny jeans, spending hours in front of the mirror just piling layers of make-up on her face; hiding her incredible natural beauty from the world and presenting this fake depiction of what people were "supposed" to look like; all in an effort to fit what the media's idealized "perfection" was. Needless to say, it was something he didn't share at all; Raph preferred fresh, clean faces and wild, untamed hair; seeing April like this just now at this moment drove that point home.

Perhaps the reason he had fallen so hard and fast for her is mostly physical, he admitted once upon a time. It was easy to think that way seeing that she embodied so much of what he'd found attractive about the human female race to begin with; but within just days he realized perhaps it wasn't just her beauty that drew him to her in the first place - it was so much more. During those days after first meeting, they bonded, shared, and had this almost instant connection he was certain he'd never felt before; whether or not she felt the same all the while, choosing to ignore the fact she'd sought him out more than his brothers.

Over this time, they grew closer; but Raph, afraid of these new feelings he began to have toward the lovely reporter, began to grow more inward and distant at the same time when April began peeling off her own shell. He recalled the days she'd be wearing make-up and dressed almost exactly how she'd showcase herself on television; her few words and subdued persona not matching that strong woman who kicked Shredder in the face whatsoever. It took a little while, but soon, she let her personality shine through; a strong, stubborn fiery persona he'd witnessed those moments atop Sack's tower, threatening Shredder with the container of mutagen; showing no fear in staring down that over-sized can opener with furrowed brows and pursed lips.

It was this part of her he'd come to love most - but as her walls came inching down, Raphael was adamant to keep his own up. It would make it easier in the long run, he decided; because the moment this beautiful girl went ahead to pursue a relationship with a human male suitor - whether it be Casey or some other handsome dignitary she'd come across in her line of work or otherwise.

It was all just a matter of time before nights like these would dissolve into the wind - moments he'd never be able to share with her once her life started to focus on that person she chose rather than a freakish mutant turtle. That lucky individual who would have no idea how much she'd personally touched his own life. How Raphael would happily give up anything just to see her smile and gladly lay down his life for her in a heartbeat.

Golden irises flicked away from her face, the subsequent pain that stung in his chest at the thought had him swallowing back a lump that formed in his throat. Raphael inhaled a deep breath, holding it for a moment he felt her shift against him - maneuvering her body in order to be pressed further into his own. Raphael stood as still as possible, watching her with bated breath as April moaned sleepily and stretched, her tiny hand brushing over the curve of his forearm before stopping to come and rest lightly upon his wrist. Her nose nuzzled into his bicep and he couldn't help but smile when her breath tickled his skin from her exhalation. A few tense seconds later, she grew still, her long, languid breaths continued as she slept.

Raphael allowed himself to exhale once she was comfortable once again, slightly adjusting the blanket to better cover her shoulders. He took a moment to take in her slack sleeping face; enjoying this moment of reflection and the warmth of her presence.

Silently wondering what she was dreaming about; never for a second even hoping he'd be a part of her nighttime visions. Reality would certainly crush those delusions to dust; for he lived in a world of blood, sweat, and concrete; not rainbows and butterflies. Not of a beautiful human woman falling for a mutant freak of nature - those were things that never happened or ever would - especially for him. So, instead, he took what he got, which was getting to watch her sleep while he forced himself to stay up all night, sitting on an uncomfortable lumpy couch; his back stiff and neck sore. It was the best he was going to get and he would gladly take it.

After all, the only way April could feel anything but friendship toward him...were only in his dreams...


	4. Touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raphael is not sure what to think about all of April's touching.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took forever to get this up. Having so many stories going on at once is not optimum for fast updates. Oh well, hope y'all just bear with me.

The hours flew by.

Once his mind wandered and the television became nothing but background noise, complete with nearly muted voices and less stimulating colors, time seemed less prone to dragging at a snail's pace. It was a damn near impossible to not fall asleep when he was just so unbelievably comfortable. The large terrapin could scarcely recall a time he'd felt more at ease yet at the same time, ready to spring at a moments notice. It was an odd combination to say the least.

It should have been hell - it really should have, but it was anything but.

After all, what sane person would agree that sitting on a lumpy couch with a stiff neck and back, not being able to shift an inch or even get up to take a much needed piss would ever think _this_ was comfortable?

Obviously someone not currently experiencing the touch of April O'Neil curled against them in such an incredible way.

Whether it be the soft aroma of soap and flowers trickling up into his nostrils or the incredible warmth her body exuded; not to mention the couple instances she'd shift and seemingly cuddle even closer, her hands brushing and face nuzzling against his rough skin. It was only his immovable self-control that had him resisting to pick her up and cradle her against his plastron just to get her even closer - that, and it would definitely wake her up - and there was no way he was breaking this spell just yet.

Without his knowledge, the hours were flicking by, the clock was behind him and he'd not even glanced at the television in hours. Instead, he'd spent it just looking at her - taking in the beauty he'd been terrified to appreciate for more than a second at a time - always being too nervous to stare at her for long in fear she'd realize just how fucking creepy he was being.

But at this moment, he couldn't find it in him to care.

Time slipped quickly just like sand through his fingers and soon, he'd felt the unfamiliarity of the sun's warmth flickering through her living room and kitchen windows; the rays scattering pleasantly over his scales. Any semblance of contact from the sun was something he treasured because ever since he was a kid, it was always been too rare an experience - something to not be taken for granted but also something to be feared for their place was meant to be the shadows. To see the sky changing color and the brightness filtering through the window was even enough to tear his eyes away from the still slumbering brunette and finally allowing his eyes to close, relaxing into the moment of peace he found himself in.

For once, fate seemed to be on his side, for the very moment he leaned his head back and closed his eyes, April began stirring. Immediately sensing her adjustment at his side, Raph refused his body's demand to tense at her movement; valiantly striving to be a virtual corpse at that point. Concentrated on not moving in fear she may have realized he was not asleep and had not the entire night; rather spending the duration of it staring at her like some demented psychopath. He had fairly good reason to considering his night-time sleeping patterns, but she didn't need to know that.

So, Raphael listened and played dead.

April moaned sleepily, her arms stretching out and trailing sleepily over the surface; making Raphael nearly swallow his tongue at the sensation of those tiny hands over the expanse of his arm; her short nails tickling the scaled surface and his skin prickled at the touch. Little did he know, it was only going to get worse. Rubbing her body against his, unintentionally sensual, as she regained consciousness; completely unaware how it was affecting the terrapin faking sleep next to her. Raph's skin trembled when a warm breath cascaded along his bicep, her smooth lips ghosting over the surface and the tickle of her eyelashes brushing made him strive harder to keep still.

A second later, he heard her small surprised exclamation of " _Oh!_ " before in an instant, she'd pulled back and the warm weight he'd become accustomed to overnight had shifted and was gone as she sat up and away from him just as he feared she would. The lurch in his stomach from the loss of warmth was like a boulder to his gut, but he remained perfectly still. The silence that followed lasted for nearly a minute and Raphael began to grow apprehensive over the sudden wane in sound. He feared she could sense he was not really asleep but was way too far into this that backing out now only wouldn't work - it would be fucking _stupid_.

Raphael knew she was still there. He sensed and smelt her close presence; felt her weight still upon the couch as well as April's eyes on him, but he continually played dead, or sleep - whatever you want to call it; breaths deep and steady even as his heart was nearly hammering straight out of his plastron. He was terrified that she could hear it.

Whatever he was expecting to happen next, especially considering how quickly she'd pulled away, this certainly wasn't it...

It was only his finely honed skills ingrained into his being that caused him to remain as still as night when April's hand suddenly returned to his forearm. The padding of her fingers were as soft upon his skin much like a soft breeze on a perfect spring day. Ghosting effortlessly over what could only be completely rough surface compared to her own silky skin. Suddenly, the uncomfortably rose into his chest - he hated feeling like anyone's experiment they could prod and touch whenever they liked. Yet, her touch was different; strokes were more curious than intrusive. He focused on those fingers as they continued their journey from her forearm before trailing up his bicep and deltoid. A lump suddenly clogged up his throat from her touch, but he dared not swallow in fear of ruining whatever was happening at this very moment. Suddenly, her hand was gone.

When it didn't immediately return, Raphael silently pondered shifting as if coming back to consciousness, but when the soft touch appeared again, everything inside of him shuttered when it returned - this time to his face. Feather-light graze of soft fingertips trailing over his cheek had his pulse pound in his ears; she was touching his face!

That rugged visage of scars and scaled green skin that was hard enough to look at in a mirror - and this beautiful woman was touching it. He worried for a split second his skin might be rough enough to catch along her delicate fingertips, but it didn't. She continued this action for what felt like an eternity but was only a couple seconds. Raphael never wanted it to stop. He had no idea what would possess the reporter to want to touch him this way; he hoped it wasn't just some demented curiosity about his strange form to her, but he doubted it. From what he knew of April O'Neil over the two years he'd known her, she was not a fake person; she wouldn't do something so emotionally harmful. She'd taken many precautions to make himself feel welcome in her home, her life; she was not one to keep him around just so she could experiment and peer at him like some freak behind glass. He knew it was the truth, but there was still a side of him that pondered it.

Raphael was mesmerized by her touch, focusing on every inch she covered, barely able to register her touch against his skin because of just how gentle she was being. It was only the occasional graze from her short nails that he was certain she was touching him at all; he sensed the awareness of her eyes upon his face; those beautiful blue eyes remaining upon his scarred mug instead of turning away to look at things much more pleasant than him; but they didn't. Dainty fingertips grazing over his cheek, the pad of a thumb brushing along the edge of his lips and his heart almost gave out. It was unbelievable; a part of him even questioning if he had fallen asleep; lucid imaginings of a fantastical dream of the lovely April willingly touching him. The ideas of a dream faded when he felt his skin prickle near his scar; the facial laceration he'd hated since day one and she was quickly closing in. All of a sudden, the pleasantness of her actions felt threatening; the large terrapin wanted to grab her hand away, to remove her touch from his mouth and the scar he hated with a passion; but he was frozen and her thumb only grew nearer. When she was less than an inch away from the long thin scar that marred his left upper lip, a shrill alarm rung out through the apartment.

" **Shit!** " April gasped loudly, yanking her hand away from his skin before scrambling to wrangle the small cellular device vibrating upon her scratched wooden tabletop.

Raph breathed a sigh of relief as her touch was suddenly gone and the sound provided an excellent excuse to break himself from his pretend sleep. While he wasn't the best actor, he made a show of stretching and grunting as if arising from a long, restful sleep. Gold irises peeking out from dark green lids took in the scene before him and had to force himself not to make a fool of himself when he took in her breathtaking visage.

The young reporter's hair was an adorable mess and there were slight indentations in her cheek from where her face had been pressed into his scales. He watched as she continually jabbed a thin fingertip over the brightly lit screen all while whispering obscenities that were easily picked up by his sensitive ears; he didn't bother to hide the smirk that tickled the edge of his lips to hear a colorful vocabulary that even rivaled his own. When April's eyes finally met his, she smiled and shrugged sheepishly as she placed the quieted electronic back upon the table.

"Good morning. ...So, um... I'm sorry about that - I _swear_ I turned off the damn alarm before I fell asleep last night." she said with a chuckle; hand brushing a tendril of hair that had become loose from her bun back behind her ear and Raphael eagerly eyed the delicate movement. God, he felt like a creeper.

"S'nothing." he shrugged nonchalantly even if every bone and muscle in his body protested the sudden movement. Not being able to take the stiffness any longer, he shifted his attention away from her lovely face to some fixed point on her coffee table as he unconsciously made a display of cracking his neck and shoulders; thickly muscled arms and pectorals rippling under the skin. With a loud pop and a few creaks, the nearly orgasmic relief rushed over him - it was almost as if he didn't just spent his whole night awake and sitting down on a lumpy couch without moving a muscle. Lost in his own pondering and hoping she couldn't read minds, he didn't notice a set of blue eyes watching him as he stretched out his sore limbs. When the weight of her gentle stare finally triggered his senses, he turned to look at her and blue eyes met his golden gaze easily, the a warm smile lighting up her face.

"You know, you can go back to sleep if you want. It's still pretty early." April said, gesturing to the clock behind the couch, which read 6:30. The ease in which she offered her home to him still took him aback all the time.

"Nah. I'm good." Raph replied, hoping she wouldn't notice the bags taking residence underneath his eyes; more thankful for his ragged mask than ever.

"You sure? I don't mind if you crash here for a few more hours. After all, isn't it one of life's greatest pleasures to get Leo's panties in a bunch?" she winked at him and his heart skipped a beat.

The ease in which she made conversing, Raphael was more than happy to continue this conversation. "As much as I love seein' Fearless squirm and disturb the perpetual stick shoved up his ass, I think it's best I head out. Ya know, don't need Sensei gettin' on my case too." he replied, a smirk pulling up the edges of his lips.

"Hmm..." April mumbled with a slightly pouty lip and thoughtful finger under her chin.

Fuck, was she actually disappointed? The realization had Raphael choking down a sudden lump that clogged his throat.

"... _Well_ , if you don't want to sleep on my couch then at least let me make you some breakfast for letting me sleep on you last night. That couldn't have been very comfortable for you." April continued with a breathy laugh, the nervousness as which she admitted it was fucking adorable.

Little did she know how wrong she was... He couldn't recall a time he'd been more so.

"Eh, I dunno..." Raph replied, the nervousness of being in her presence was starting to get stifling. He still wasn't even sure how to mentally tackle the fact she had been touching him when he was asleep.

"It's the least I can do. I know my pancakes will never transcend the brilliant Michelangelo's, but I can try. So, what do you say? Let's just have some breakfast before you head out, okay?"

"I don't..." Raph shrugged nervously before she brought out the big guns.

"Aww, come on, Raph." she said, eyes wide as she stared into his golden gaze; Mikey obviously teaching her the fabled puppy-dog technique to get her way. ...God, had her eyes always been that blue?...

"I..." he tried to resist.

" _Please?_ For me?" Those three words broke him.

"Yeah...Sure. I don't see why not." he answered and the smile that lit up her face at his answer had his stomach doing somersaults.

The only question that crossed his mind at this point was just exactly had he gotten himself into?


	5. Delusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for breakfast, an awkward Raphael, and some misunderstanding.

* * *

Raphael had never felt more incredibly massive than right at this very moment; leaning his shell awkwardly against the wall in her tiny apartment kitchen as April sauntered around gathering ingredients from the pantry and fridge. The reporter refused for him to help in any way, so the terrapin was forced to remain still; with not much other choice than watch her bend over and stretch as she gathered the items. He knew there was no way he would allow her to know he was looking at her, so he did the next best thing, stand there pretending to look out the window when in actuality, he was checking her out while she stood near the stove. How a pair of ratty workout shorts and tank top could be so unbelievably sexy and hug her form so well - he'd _never_ fully understand.

Pulling his thoughts away was the sudden sound of April's voice.

"Pancakes, bacon, and eggs enough? I'd make hash brows too but my culinary success with those has been mediocre at best." April laughed, looking over her shoulder at him while mixing the batter in a dingy plastic bowl.

"S'fine." he replied curtly, hoping she just hadn't noticed how he was staring at her ass.

_God, he felt like a fuckin' pervert._

"Oh, and how do you like your eggs?" April continued a second later as she tended to the sizzling bacon. Her eyes had never left his own as she awaited his answer.

"Over-easy's good."

"Scrambled it is." April said with a smile and wink and that earned her a smirk as he recalled that very same line she'd spouted over a year ago while she helped Mikey make breakfast at the lair. While the reporter was a passable enough cook, fried eggs tended to be her greatest nemesis with her inane ability to break each and every yolk when she tried to flip them over. Long story short, the only eggs she could make were scrambled, but when she asked, he liked to humor her.

"Sounds good. So...ya work today?" Raph asked, needing desperately to fill the silence that enveloped the apartment and to keep his thoughts as far away from her impromptu touching from that morning. He still had no idea how to mentally tackle that fact...

"Nope. Thank **God** I finally got a day off! It's probably been two weeks since I've had a solid day off and you know, I was supposed to get tomorrow off too but someone got called out to cover a story in California and I have to take her place."

"That sucks."

"Yeah, but it's good overtime and it's a decent position. Can't complain too much." April replied with a shrug, returning to mixing the pancake batter.

The comfortable silence once again enveloped the small kitchen and Raphael found himself just watching her from the corner of his eye; relishing in this moment with the beautiful reporter. He'd never fully grasp just how easily she'd accepted him and all of them into her life; this woman who'd been thrown into this reality of mutant turtles living underground, ninjitsu master rats, and gangs of ninja warriors bent on their destruction. Raphael was certain that if it was anyone else, they would have bailed in a second; would have taken in their monstrous forms and ran away without ever looking back...but not her. How he'd managed to be lucky enough to have her in his life, he'd never know...

April began stacking the pancakes high onto plates and eggs and bacon on separate ones. Raphael decided to make himself useful by gathering the dishes and moving them over to the table as she procured each of them something to drink. They did this all in comfortable silence, the ease in which they worked together was easily evident in the way they communicated without even speaking. It was rather remarkable to Raphael how easy he'd been able to pick up on her non-verbal cues and vice-versa.

Before long, they were sitting across from one another, Raphael on a reinforced chair he'd built and brought over since he'd broken her last one... A memory he typically didn't like pondering on for long.

"Let's dig in." April said with a smile and Raphael couldn't help but notice how her hands trembled a bit as she reached for her silverware...

...Was she nervous about something?

Raphael wasn't sure what was on her mind when he was a torrent of jumbled emotions himself. Hands forcefully calm as he began gingerly cutting a "normal" size bite from his stack of pancakes that he'd poured a generous amount of syrup on. He felt the weight of her blue eyes on him and he was terrified to meet them. Last thing he wanted to do was look up and end up missing his mouth and ending up with a nostril or chin full of pancake; the thought of the embarrassment alone was horrifying. Carefully bringing it up to and past his lips; chewing slowly as to not arise suspicion, he slightly flinched when her voice rang out.

"So, how are they? Edible?" April asked with a light laugh and Raph couldn't help but meet her eyes, desperately trying not to choke on the pancakes in his mouth at how her voice caused a shiver to go through his shell.

Barely chewing the sweet cakes before quickly swallowing them down, he nodded; wiping his mouth with a napkin before choking out a reply, "Yea. They're good."

"...Really?"

"Yeah." he repeated after taking a swig of orange juice, hating how blood began rushing to his face from nothing but her simple gaze.

April smiled at him before she herself began digging into her own plate and Raphael couldn't help but watch her from the corner of his eye. Her small dainty hands as she handled the silverware and cut up her food neatly before elegantly bringing it to her mouth. He couldn't help but thickly swallow when she licked some excess syrup off her plump pink lips before putting a piece of bacon in her mouth and allowing the long strip to dangle from her mouth while reaching for her cup of coffee.

Raphael tensed up for a moment realizing how he'd been staring. He started eating with more gusto but made sure to not shovel it in like he would in front of his family. They pretty much ate silently aside from the clink of metal on porcelain and small comments here and there about things that really didn't matter. It wasn't until he had almost finished his pancakes and he still found his stomach barely half full. He subconsciously glanced over to the counter where the bowl still containing batter lay.

"Would you like some more?" April asked, finally broke some of the silence, and nearly causing Raphael to jump out of his shell.

"Hrn?"

"I just noticed that you're almost done. If you're still hungry, there's still plenty of batter if you want me to make you some more pancakes."

"Um... Sure. I mean, if s' no trouble." Raph replied, the blood pouring into his cheeks again.

"No, of course not! It's no trouble at all! Haha...It's just funny." April said with a soft chuckle, causing her bare shoulders to bounce and his heart to palpitate even faster.

"What is?"

"No one has ever asked for seconds of my cooking before... Well, except Mikey, but I just figured he was being polite." The brunette continued, brushing her loose hair behind her ears.

"Heh. Hell, Mike would eat anythin' given to him from a pretty girl even if it ended up killin' him." the words came from his mouth before he could stop them and the soft pink blush that arose on April's cheeks from those words was fucking worth the slip of his tongue.

"So, if there's an Foot Clan assassin disguised as a pretty female chef, Mikey's toast?"

"The little shit wouldn't even put a fight and probably think it was fuckin' worth it too." Raph said with a shrug and couldn't help but smirk when April began laughing, one of her hands going over mouth. Her eyes were bright and clear and it was so hard not to just get lost in them.

"...So, given the fact I may be a double agent and could have poisoned them, you still want more pancakes?" she continued after her laughter calmed, giving him a devious wink and making his heart leap into his throat.

...was he still dreaming...?

Instead of keeping silent, he took the bait and smirked back. "Meh. Sure. I mean, yer eatin' the same ones I am so it looks like we're both screwed."

"Aw, dammit - foiled again..." April laughed, standing to her feet and walking toward the stove and turned the burners back on. While the griddle pan was getting hot, April went back to sit across from him; taking another bite of her pancakes.

"...So, got plans for the rest of the day?" Raph asked suddenly, the adrenaline pumping through his system causing him to ask ballsier questions than usual.

April smiled at him and opened her mouth to answer when her phone suddenly rang out from the other room.

"Ugh, damn..." she tsked, "Sorry. I better get that; it might be my work. I-I'll be right back." April excused herself after wiping off the drip of syrup that glued itself to the corner of her mouth.

Raph just nodded his head in response before gingerly cutting the last small section of pancakes and smiled to himself at the course of this morning so far as he slid the cakes into his mouth. Carefully chewing and swallowing as she made her way back into the living area. When she walked out of the room, he'd began eating more forcefully, his stomach's protesting calmed with the food that filled it. Eating _"like a gentleman"_ as Mikey coined it was fucking hard compared to his usual _"stuff and go"_ method he'd had since a child put to the side whenever April was near. He didn't want to eat like a fuckin' animal in front of her...even though he technically was one...

Raphael didn't mean to eavesdrop. He really didn't; but with the supersonic hearing he had, it was kind of hard to drown it out but the words didn't really latch onto his subconscious. All thoughts went to the wayside and the delicious maple syrup saturated pancakes now filled his mouth with ash when the words "Oh! Hey, Casey!" fell from April's lips.

Massive hands stilled above his nearly-finished plate when he realized who she was talking to...

In seconds, his fevered appetite was gone and his heart had plummeted into his stomach; the burning in the back of his eyes increased when he continued to inadvertently listened to their conversation.

"So, you'll be here to pick me up at 5 tonight? Um...Alright. Sure. That sounds great - I'll see you then, Case. Bye." her voice, cheery and light and obviously happy about hearing from him...

That very thought had his chest aching and any good feeling he may have felt earlier was wiped from existence the second those words left her mouth. Here they had been spending time together, making her laugh, being with her, sharing and talking... Just so fucking in love with her that it _hurt_... To think she may just feel _something_ for him other than just a friend...

A bitter chuckle left his lips at the thought...

He wasn't crazy...he was out of his fucking _mind_ even fathoming the thought she'd think of him as anything more...

"So, where were we? I - " April started as she walked into the kitchen but stopped in her tracks when she noticed him putting a used napkin atop his unfinished food.

"I uh- I better go." Raph said suddenly, the words coming out a lot calmer than he felt inside.

"B-But where are you going? W-What's wrong? I thought you wanted more pancakes." April said, the smile that was previously lighting up her whole face completely deflated.

"Nah, I uh - I gotta take a raincheck. Just remembered Splinter needed me for somethin' this morning. Leo just texted me to remind me." Raph said with a fake smile as an excuse, not wanting her to know he'd been listening in; looking down at his phone and by the look in her eyes, it was obvious she didn't believe him, yet said nothing to dispute it. "I-I'll talk to you later, kay?" he continued after a long moment of silence, looking away from her as he stood to his feet from the kitchen table.

The burning in his throat increasing as he made a swift beeline for the kitchen window; standing in front of it for only a split second when he felt a small delicate hand upon his wrist.

"Raph, wait. Y-You don't have to go..." she whispered and Raphael swallowed down a sudden lump that wedged itself into his windpipe.

"Yeah, I do." he replied, not being able to even look at her before he gingerly removed his hand from her touch.

He instantly felt cold as soon as her skin was removed from his own; he pushed opened the window only to be greeted by a blast of cold winter air. Pushing down the obscenity that wanted to escape his throat at the chill that shivered up and down his spine, he instead trudged forward and moved through the seemingly too small window.

The red-masked terrapin chanced a glance back at April - her eyes were wide, brows furrowed, and mouth in an obvious pout - she wanted to say something but it appeared she was holding back too.

"Um... Thanks for breakfast." he said softly.

April nodded instead of responding verbally, her arms crossing over her chest in response to the cold breeze that infiltrated her kitchen. It wasn't until he was already clambering up the fire escape when she finally called out to him - " _ **Raph**_ **,** _ **wait!**_ " - but he was already too far gone to hear it...


	6. Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raphael is hurting over April and Casey's supposed date and all Leo is doing is rubbing salt in the wound.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I really have to thank you all for being so patient with me on this one. I have some good news for you and that is I am planning to update this much sooner than I have been! Yay! My reasoning for that is the new movie is going to be released in a little more than a month and I kinda wanted to finish beforehand but with the length of this fict, I don't think it's gonna happen but I do plan to give you a few more chapters before it does. *sigh* I'm still internally preparing myself for the Capril overload we're gonna get...as long as I get a jealous Raph, I shall get through it... Well, probably not but it's a nice thought. Well, anyway, hope you enjoy. :-)

* * *

Scales bristling and body thrumming with the familiar anger that embodied the basis of his personality and response to any kind of emotion, Raphael continued to sprint, running farther and farther from April's apartment and hopefully away from the emotions that closely followed. Expanses of buildings and rooftops scaled and crossed with almost child's play ease; the years of practice honed into every single bone, muscle, nerve, and fiber of his being and he was using it to his greatest advantage to get him out of a predicament he never wanted to be in. The painful scraping and friction of the stone and rusted metal on his feet and hands; his lungs burning fiercely was dutifully ignored as he continued on his journey. The red-banded terrapin didn't want to stop with the rage lying just underneath the surface was ready to explode at any second and the only thing that kept it dormant was distance and distraction.

It stopped working within a mile of her house.

Raph strove to be angry at April for leading him on, but that didn't last. Anger instead boiling toward the infamous Casey Jones and that pretty boy's propensity to disrupt any time alone with April since the duo met in the dark alley but that faded to dust.

His scattered mind focusing on the last one he could blame - and it was himself.

Before he even knocked on her window the previous night, he _told_ himself to leave; reminded himself that if he _stayed_ \- if he even _believed_ April could even remotely be interested in being anything more than just a friend, than he just doomed himself for heartbreak...but, _**God**_ , did it just feel so good to be near her... Everything about her just made his heart ache with longing; screw her outside beauty, it was her loving nature, her acceptance, and the blessing it was just to bathe in her welcoming presence.

Legs completely disobeyed him and he found himself stopped near the edge of downtown, just blocks away from the lair and loss of will to go further. Everything inside him might as well have been a detonated crater; still smoking from the explosion of reality. Gone was the euphoria of her touching his face and arm that morning when he faked unconsciousness; disappearing on the wind was her laughing at his stupid jokes over breakfast; evaporated happiness from her cooking for him and his belief that she actually desired to spend any sort of time with him...

Hell, maybe she did...but he was out of his mind if he believed she meant anything by it.

In the back of his mind, he knew he was being stupid. A fuckin' idiot for even fathoming or envisioning a world where he was normal; where a girl like her could see him like he saw her. He never could be that for her; never measure up to the grandeur of everything April deserved in life. How his huge, mutant form could even contribute to the jigsaw puzzle of her existence on this planet was an unfathomable reality he no business entering. He'd never be a part of that world which she partook in daily; of millions of people living each of their individual lives of normality in New York City; never caring to know of a freak living in dank sewers and risking his life every single day to keep them all safe.

Raphael would never know of that life...of happiness. To experience love from a woman and he had to learn to accept it...

He was a freak of nature, a mutated turtle.

She was a beautiful, wonderful human woman.

Two things that never would and probably never should be destined to be together; far too different to exist in the same world let alone her to fall in love with. He was a complete idiot if he thought otherwise.

Raphael swallowed back a lump that wedged itself in his throat as he pictured her. Always with a big white smile to greet him; buying them snacks and gifts he knew she couldn't afford with her meager salary and overly-expensive rent. April had been such a blessing to him and his brothers and she deserved so much more than he could ever offer her. He was brutish, rude, loud, obnoxious, and stubborn to a fault complete with a massive form, and a scarred horrifying visage; he didn't have the convenience of even living as a normal human would; he was a ninja, living in the shadows with his father and brothers. Their lives were scraping by with food found in dumpsters, scraps of clothing knitted together, and making their weapons by foraging for scrap metal -they even lived in sewers, for God Sake, which was made much better by Donatello's innovations, but it still the sewers nonetheless... Their one luxury was buying pizza delivery once a week with the loose change they collected during patrols... He'd never be able to give her everything she could _need_ let alone want.

April was a breathtakingly beautiful woman with the world at her feet; a reporter who made her own life for herself even despite all the turmoil she'd been through as a child. Strong, stubborn, fiery, and sexy as all hell; the brunette could have anyone she wanted, could wrap any man around her little pinky finger. Yet she went on and entertained them, visited them regularly, and even called and text everyday to see how he was. April didn't need him; the reason she even associated herself with them was far beyond his understanding.

Why would she ever want him when she had Casey?

A dejected sigh fell from his lips when he recalled the snippets of the one-sided conversation that he heard between the two. A date and time was set. Sure, April would entertain the freaky mutant when she was bored but the second the pretty boy vigilante called her up, he knew whatever she already had planned, she probably would clear it up for him. And there would be no reasoning as to why she wouldn't. She rightfully deserved to be with him if she wanted; his own selfishness further twisting his stomach into more impenetrable knots.

"Who am I fuckin' kiddin'?" Raph grumbled, the voice taken away by the cold breeze.

Emptiness and numbness were beginning to be more common occurrences in his life. Where once his brazen attitude exceeded any feeling he'd have before, there was something about April that changed all that. The second he met her, he knew she was different; while he put on a big front, getting in her face about her cell phone and acting completely normal around his brothers; something inside of him changed.

Perhaps it was seeing a real human so up-close and personal. All soft curves, creamy smooth skin, and luscious hair; while gorgeous, she seemed incredibly fragile, yet she was one that didn't scream and run away; she was ballsy and fierce, not just another pretty face you'd see on TV or in magazines. Still, his walls were up until they were forced to work together to get his brothers back; she didn't back down when things got serious, if anything, the reporter just grew more determined to help make things right. She surprised him in a way he never expected and he supposed that's when he began to see the beautiful April O'Neil in a completely different light...

They bonded, grew to know one another and soon, she broke down his walls, he let her in when he'd rejected so many before in a fear of being hurt... Even his brothers weren't aware of many of the things he confided to her; allowing the reporter to get to know him. It felt incredibly vulnerable to allow himself to peel back his shell but he let her...

...and even now, as his heart lay bleeding in his chest, he didn't regret it...

* * *

Anger returned with a vengeance the second he passed the threshold into the lair; his feet meeting the cold cement of their dwellings, his body was itching to punch something - **anything** \- and seeing Leo just sitting there alone on the tatami mat and drinkin' tea out of a tiny porcelain cup like a sissy made him the perfect target for a face-pounding.

_Mr. Perfectionist-OCD-Brown-Nosin'-Perpetual-Stick-Rammed-So-Deep-Up-His-Ass-Lame-O-Nardo_...he was just _asking_ to get the shell beat off of him...

Amber eyes alight with fury as he approached his older sibling, fists trembling at his sides as he strode over to Mr. All-Knowing Fearless, who always got the first of everything; always been daddy's favorite, Mr. Perfect who never did _anything_ wrong and kissin' up to Splinter and ratting him out whenever he got the chance...

It made Raphael sick...and it appeared he had a new target for his misguided anger...

"So, do you mind telling me why you weren't at meditation or training this morning, Raph?" Leonardo spoke clearly, calmly without any care toward the anger that was reeking in visceral waves off of his younger brother. The rage was normal and it seemed to be shaping up to be just another average day in the Hamato household.

"Don't ya **dare** fuckin' give me dat shit, Leo. Ya don't _own_ me!" he growled, itching for his older brother to take the bait and start the brawl he so desperately craved.

"I know I don't, Raph. It would just be nice to know where you are now and again. Those were dad's words by the way, if you didn't show up to practice it doesn't bother me; we just get done faster without you there anyway." Leo responded calmly as Raph seethed, the leader placing his cup back in its saucer. "Now that's over, would you mind telling me why you smell like April...and...bacon?"

That comment had his eyes bugging out of his head and his cheeks to flush involuntary. "I fuckin' slept at her _house_ , genius; and I dunno, maybe she made bacon fer breakfast and I happened ta eat some, ya fuckin' idiot!" Raph roared, his fists itching to punch off that half-smirk off that stupid smug face of his.

"That's _fine_ , Raph. Just for your information, next time you decide to stay out all night or bail on training, let dad or me know ahead of time. _Capiche?_ " Leo responded with an indifferent shrug and the leader was already up and moving by the time Raphael charged at him; fists slamming into the floor and table with a resounding crack, missing their initial target of Leonardo's stoic face.

It was the same song and dance these two played since they were kids; Leo goading, Raphael attacking. Raph always feeling the need to prove himself against the Leonardo, who everything seemed to be so easy for and the universe seemed to favor. Where Raphael struggled, Leonardo excelled; getting the title of leader that Raphael felt that he deserved a chance to achieve. It caused him to rebel, to be the reckless one who was strictly independent, wanting to do things on his own. It took a lot of give and take before the two were able to see eye-to-eye but it still didn't deter the rage that came over Raphael over Leonardo and his demands at times. Always seeming so sanctimonious and impervious to doing anything wrong and Raphael was sick of that bullshit from the eldest brother.

At first, Leo dodged as normal; it was shaping up as just a normal day for the two brothers but there was something off about Raphael in the way he attacked. He was abnormally sloppy and reckless when he usually hit his target at list a few times by now. It was almost making Leonardo's part of dodging his brother's fists and frantic kicks a bit too easy. Leo's brow ridges furrowed; taking notice of the bags under his little brother's bloodshot eyes.

Something was wrong...

"What's really going on, Raph?" Leo grunted, blocking another punch to the face but what he said seemed to anger his larger brother. It was just the push Raph needed and within a millisecond, Leo was roughly kicked harshly in the plastron; ending up wobbling on his shell on the hardwood floor. Instead of being hit while down, the leader was surprised when Raphael suddenly backed off, his shaking fists held rigid at his sides.

"I told ya to shut da fuck _up_ , Leo! It's none of your damn business!" Raph growled staring down at his brother, who pushed himself to a seated position. "Now just leave me **alone**!" the red-banded terrapin roared; steps heavy and voice unusually raspy as he headed slowly toward the weight room.

Suddenly, everything and nothing made sense.

Leo wasn't an idiot after all; you would have to be blind to not notice his younger brother's infatuation with their Hogosha. Shaking his head, he was able to put together at least a fraction of what might have happened at her place leaving his little brother in a particularly bad mood. As much as the leader wanted to goad on his brother on what exactly took place, even Leo knew there was certain lines you do not cross and this happened to be one of them.

It still didn't stop him from saying something though...

"You're only hurting yourself you know." Leo spoke, the words barely a whisper and Raph's steps halted. Head spinning to face his eldest brother, amber irises were molten as they stared into cold blue steel. A sense of trepidation and anger filled Raphael's stomach with hot coals when he saw the knowing look laced in his big brother's eyes; the same look he got when he was being called out on his mistakes and using his favorite tactic of rubbing salt in wounds like some demented prison guard. Not allowing the leader the gratification, Raph went cold and numb, not taking the bait and definitely not allowing Leo to see what he wanted to.

"Shut the fuck, up, Fearless. Ya don't know what yer talkin' about..." Raph grumbled in response, turning his shell to his brother and continuing into the weight room not noticing the sad shake of Leonardo's head as he slammed the door behind him.

* * *

 


	7. Avoidance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raph avoids April and perhaps any more pain she could cause his bleeding heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! I'm actually keeping my word about updating this more often. I think with the movie coming out in less than a month is giving me a lot of gusto to get this story written. <3 Hope y'all enjoy.

* * *

"Did u get back ok?" the black letters on the blue light of the screen read.

"Dammit!" Raph growled, ignoring the fifth text and third missed call the brunette had sent him since he left her apartment hours ago. He flung his phone onto the puddled towel on the floor; the device making a soft thunk into his sodden sweat rag before the terrapin went back for his discarded weights. Biceps aching as he curled the heavy dumbbells, hands calloused and raw in spots burned but he ignored it in lieu of another set. Body still humming with unspent energy; adrenaline running rampant through his system as he continued his workout. Raphael was not in the mood to deal with any of this shit; just wanting to disappear and be left alone was taking precedent above all else at this point. Stomach nauseous and in knots, he ignored the pain even as his body screamed at him to stop or at the very least take a break. The final rep came and the terrapin threw the weights angrily back onto the floor, probably leaving a new crack in the cement but not finding it in him to give a flying fuck.

"Raph, what the _shell_ dude!? Donnie just filled that floor in last week!" Mikey's overbearingly loud voice was akin to taking a sledgehammer to the skull at the moment as he came waltzing in through the door; completely naive and unaware of what it meant when he closed it for a reason.

His orange-banded little brother always had a propensity for showing up at the worst possible times...

"Get the fuck **out** , Mike. I'm busy and in no mood to deal with yer shit." Raph growled in warning to the youngest brother, picking up his discarded weights and he ignored how his arms burned at the massive heaviness of the dumbbells as he forcefully pushed his body to do another set of overhead curls.

"No kiddin'. Who knew a male turtle could have PMS?" the youngest murmured, staying light on his feet if the eldest decided to pounce.

"Yer pushin' it, Mike..." Raph's chest rumbled as he spoke, the weights falling to his sides as he glared daggers at his orange-banded brother. Raph tried dutifully to ignore him but when his little brother still didn't get the hint and leave, he continued,"What the fuck?! If you want somethin' - tell me - if not, get the **fuck** out!"

"Oh, ya busy, huh? Ya know Splinter doesn't like us jackin' off in the weight room."

"Mikey..." Raphael growled lowly.

"Just kiddin'. Um, oh yeah! April called lookin' for ya. Don't know why she'd want to talk to ya anyway, _especially_ when yer in this mood, but meh, I promised Angelcakes that I'd tell you."

"Okay. Whatever. Now, GET THE FUCK OUT!" Raph bellowed, his fists shaking, the power in his grasp was almost enough to cave in the metal bars in his hands.

"Wow, Leo wasn't kiddin'; seriously, dude, what crawled up your ass? Oh! Let me guess, your blow-up doll run away with the pool toy?"

"MIKEY!" Raph bellowed, his feet moving and weights chucked aside with two monumental cracks upon concrete as the older brother gave chase with a guttural roar. Body pushed to the limit with little sleep and no excess energy to spare, Raphael pushed on. The faster youngest brother skidding around the lair as if it was a fuckin' ice rink; always staying one step ahead before his orange mask disappeared out into the pitch-black sewers. Skidding to a stop, Raphael glared out at the turtle who's footsteps continued to echo down the cement chambers.

Heart beating frantically, Raphael turned around to head back to the weight room and almost colliding straight into Donnie; who, while almost the same height but was deficient about 300 pounds. The larger turtle halted immediately instead of running into his little brother and probably seriously injuring the awkward genius.

"Sorry, Raph." his lanky brother mumbled into more spreadsheets; holding a cup of coffee expertly in steady hands and walking to his multiple-monitored computer all without looking up to see where he was going.

The largest terrapin just bared his rough teeth at the distraction but otherwise ignored his geeky brother in lieu of completing his workout in some well-deserved goddamned peace and quiet...he really should ask Donnie about putting a lock on the damn door but that would have to wait for another time.

"Hey, Raph." Donnie chirped before Raph reached the weight room door.

"What?" he grumbled out a response, knowing taking his anger out on Donnie wasn't necessary when he was the only brother at this point that wasn't burrowing in his shell and driving him to the brink of insanity.

"April called; she was looking for you. Be sure to give her a call back when you get a chance, okay?" the genius replied nonchalantly, pushing his glasses farther up his face while barely sparing him a glance before going back to his numerous projects he tended to work on simultaneously.

Without answering his genius brother, he slammed the door behind him.

* * *

The next day was virtual hell on earth.

Raphael's previous night pacing around the city looking for thugs to take his unspent aggression on went nowhere. Of course, the one night he wanted to majorly kick ass, the city was quiet and any thugs he did found were basically young teenagers, who Raphael could never find it in himself to remotely injure. They reminded him far too much of himself at their age, just wanting to be rebellious, reckless, do stupid shit and get away with it. It still didn't stop him from scaring the ever-loving shit out of them though; he still had to have _some_ fun after all while simultaneously teaching them a lesson they wouldn't soon regret. As they ran away from his horrifying shadowed visage, Raphael bellowed after them; " **Don't let me catch ya here again, ya hear**!?"

99% of the time, they never returned.

Hours and hours passed of the largest terrapin finding no one to physically wail on, Raphael trekked home before the sun could break across the horizon; steps heavy and eyelids nearly closing of their own accord, he almost had a heart attack when he saw his father standing in the living room staring at him with those piercing brown eyes. The elderly rat's deadly tail swung around his clawed feet, whisker's twitching slightly as he took in his second-eldest child; the calmness of the rat didn't give any hint as to why he would be awake waiting for him but Raphael didn't have to wonder long...

"Raphael..." the only greeting he was given before he was sent immediately to the hashi with a firm whip of his father's tail on the concrete; chills immediately ran down Raphael's shell with the unbridled anger laced in his father's eyes and voice. It turned out that him recklessly throwing around the heaviest weights yesterday caused a major crack in the foundation of the concrete that his purple-banded brother had to spent hours fixing while he was out on patrol. Sentenced to do same time Donnie had spent fixing the floor and his genius brother's chores for the rest of the week; the largest terrapin reluctantly obeyed, his tail curling between his legs as he gave a stiff bow to his father and going through with what was asked of him.

As if the day _couldn't_ get any worse, April kept calling his phone; her texts getting ignored again and again. After awhile, he just turned it off; all while knitting at least 3 damn scarfs and wobbling precariously with one foot on a skateboard. Anger was akin to molten lava in his gut; he was way too old for this shit and he hated being treated like a damn child. While admitting it was stupid of him to be so reckless in the weight room, he thought Splinter would have thought of a better punishment by this point, but he knew he got off easy. Just two years back, he would have been stuck in the damn hashi for at least triple the time and forced to all of his brother's chores for the next month when he caught Splinter on a good day.

A deep sigh left his throat when his father walked in the room three hours later, his clawed feet making soft clacks on the floor as he approached his brooding son.

"That is adequate, Raphael. I believe you've learned your lesson." the elderly rat spoke gently, a fatherly hand pressed upon his son's forearm, halting Raphael's need to immediately run out of the room.

"Raphael, please understand I do not like doing this. I do believe you are old enough to take responsibility but when your actions cause more work for your brothers or myself, I must do something to try and eradicate your behavior, my boy."

"Hai, Sensei..." Raph grumbled, placing the finished scarves in his father's awaiting arms.

"These shall be perfect for the many chilly nights to come. Thank you, Raphael."

With a stiff nod, Raphael put back some items in their proper place, grabbed his cell phone, sticking the small device in his belt pouch before he began making his way out when his father's next words stopped him in his tracks.

"Oh, and April came to visit; she's even ordering Chinese food for all of us for dinner. Isn't that nice of Miss O'Neil?" the rat said with a pleasant chuckle, making his way across the room to put the red scarves into a cabinet, where a large pile of scarves, hats, large socks, and blankets already were stockpiled from his many hours of being in the Hashi over the years. "She's such a sweet girl, don't you think, Ra-..." he rat started, turning around to expect his largest son to still be standing there, but he had disappeared without a trace. "...phael?"

The words sending his heart into the region of his bowels and every muscle to clench, the red-banded ninja to flee from the room with his chest heaving and heartbeat frantically fluttering against his plastron. He moved like a shadow, steps inaudible as he snuck out from the dojo and he swear his heart stopped when he saw her standing there. As beautiful as ever, surrounded by his brothers, talking as if everything was just hunky dory. He also noticed Mikey in full-on-flirt mode; Raphael's body and mind screaming at him to go over there and take her away from the others almost brought him to his knees. This desire just to be near her; just for the sake of his sanity was nearly consuming him in love's icy grip. Yet, his mind recalled one important detail...

April and Casey...on a date just the previous night...

The thought alone tangling up his heart into his intestines; suddenly feeling ill at the mere indication, he turned his head away from her and knew staying here was simply not an option anymore. Taking one last long look at the woman who held his black, undesirable heart in her dainty little hands...she may as well have just punched straight through his plastron and ripped the bleeding organ from his chest...

The agony encompassing his abdomen in searing dry ice was ignored as he searched for the easiest escape route. Sparing a last glance to make sure his brothers would not notice his exit, Raphael silently sprinted toward the entrance to the lair, thankful when he wasn't called out upon disappearing into the black tunnels. A viable sigh of relief left his lips as he found the latter to the closest manhole cover and erupted from the world beneath and back out into the cold winter night air. Underneath the dull moonlight, Raphael took off somewhere, _anywhere_ but here; putting plenty of distance between himself and the lair and any conjuring feelings that were erupting to the surface over April.

Fighting against the exhaustion from no sleep and the all-encompassing grief over the entire situation only fueled him to run farther back out into the night; completely unaware of the sadness lacing the brunette's blue eyes when she realized he wasn't there.

* * *

"He left?" April questioned quietly trying her damnedest not to act disappointed at the news yet her hand subconsciously stabbing at the contents of her Chinese food gave it away.

Mikey returned to the couch with a little more than a shrug; plopping down on the cushions and earning himself a glare from his oldest brother sitting to his right and an eye-roll from the genius brother sitting on his left.

"Looks like it, Angelcakes," Mikey answered around a mouthful of Kung Pao, "and I say, _good riddance_! My **GOD** , girl! It's been hell on earth with ol' Raph lately! I mean, the guy's normally as pleasant as a PMS-ing porcupine to begin with but _**yeesh**_! Talk about a freakin' ginormous pain in the _ass_! Literally! He fuckin' kicked me in the ass yesterday when all I did was take his last soda! Talk about drama queen!"

"Language, Michelangelo." Splinter lectured, his stern voice causing the youngest terrapin to flinch slightly and forcefully swallow a huge mouthful of food he'd shoved in his gob.

"Sorry, dad." Mikey chuckled before taking another disgustingly oversized bite much to Donnie's dismay when some of it ended up in his lap.

April couldn't help but smile at the homey scene of Leo smacking the youngest on the head when he tried nabbing his fortune cookie and Splinter's scathing look afterward was enough to even make Donatello sweat a bit. While the atmosphere felt more like home than any place she'd ever known, knowing Raphael wasn't there and had never even bothered to call or text her back had the normally delicious orange chicken taste like citrus ash in her mouth...

* * *

 


	8. Repentance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raphael has a realization about his relationship with April and goes to apologize for his avoidance with unexpected results.

* * *

Two days had passed since April's impromptu visit and Raphael still had yet to be able to sleep.

Spending the majority of his time training, lifting weights, avoiding his prying and annoying brothers, and patrolling the streets endlessly all in a desperate attempt to get the brunette off his mind for good. It'd been four days since he last spoke with her and his heart ached when he'd turned his phone back on and her calls and texts had dwindled to a mere trickle. The increasingly sad messages went from full on paragraphs of asking him about his day and her texting about her own in that awkward way April always worded her messages to currently, reading a text and it simply stated " _call me plz_ ".

Left voicemails were silent and lasted only a second or two and he supposed she hung up before she even got to his message system the other times. Knowing what he was doing to her tore him up inside but he knew it was necessary for if he didn't quit her now, he swore he'd be lost fruitlessly chasing her forever. His heart in knots at seeing her and knowing she'd never mean more to him than a friend; how here mere presence had become almost as necessary as breathing; he was becoming addicted...maybe he already was...

The terrapin sat heavily onto the rooftops, his eyes had been burning for days; begging for sleep and rest but he blatantly refused. Because whenever he closed them, she was all he saw; heart-shaped face, pretty smile and those dazzling blue eyes he could lose himself in for days. Seeing her even in his mind's eye hurt like hell knowing she wasn't and never would be his. Sure, it was a selfish thought for her friendship was so treasured, but he couldn't see her with another; his soul clamoring in his chest as he pictured her with that hockey-stick tottin' vigilante Casey fuckin' Jones. The scenarios of them dating, him making her smile, laugh, taking her places he never could and buying her gifts he could never hope to afford. After awhile, that damn pretty boy reaching out to her; hugging, kissing, holding her close, touching her, and eventually coercing her into having se...

" **DAMMIT!** " Raphael bellowed across the clear night sky, burying his face into his rough hands. Body shaking with nervous energy, he swiped massive hands over his mug in a desperate attempt to abolish such lewd thoughts from his mind. Feeling physically nauseous at the thought of her with that that hockey-stick-swingin' pretty boy filled his churning stomach with molten boulders that plummeted the organ into the region of his bowels.

Deep breaths let in and out were doing precious little to calm his pounding heart and racing mind. The red-masked terrapin could not find respite in these motions, needing stimulation to further put his mind at ease, he began pacing the expanse of the rooftop yet again. The scraping of the the harsh grain underneath his partially wrapped feet creating more calluses on his rough heels as he stewed in his anger.

A sudden crashing noise drew his attention toward the docks. A feral smile inched its way up his face when the voices and their conversational content reached his sensitive ears.

_Perfect... This oughta do the trick..._ The only thought going through his mind as he ran toward the commotion; his feet silent as he crossed alleys and scaled buildings with ease. Scaling the fence, he hid behind a crate as he stared out the expanse of some commotion coming from one of the shipping crates. Golden eyes piercing through the pitch black, he watched as figures began removing merchandise as two men dressed in black with a familiar purple insignia gave them away. Within seconds, he was moving toward them; a shadow with barely any substance and not even giving the men a chance to scream when he began wailing into them with ease.

The gratifying feeling of pounding into a couple Purple Dragons was akin to a hallow victory; the crunch of their nose and the spurting of blood from underneath his raw knuckles was downright boring. They weren't specially trained like the Foot; they were a bunch of loud thugs who had way more brawn than brains and their fighting skills left a lot to be desired. They still didn't even know how to use brawn to their advantage when put up against his own tank-like frame. It was as if the turtle just went through the motions, his clumsiness apparent when one of them slashed across his thick skin with a blade. It didn't break the skin but Raphael knew something was off and once the last one was down and he hogtied them up together. Tempted to make a human centipede out these assholes, but once he heard police sirens, he was out of there before any of the cops could notice...

As the night wore on, his attention was drawn to Foot Activity in a shady district of Downtown. It was a sting led by a high-ranking leader and some of the best Foot Soldiers he'd faced in awhile. He'd have to hand it to Shredder; the man knew how to train these men. What Raphael didn't expect was the amount; facing more enemies than he was accustomed to and when you're damn tired and near the point of collapse, they were actually giving him a run for his money. It was becoming apparent very quickly that Raphael was becoming downright messy in his moves and tactics; movements skiddish and uncertain; body exhausted to the breaking point, it was miraculous his legs still were upholding his overbearing weight. Raphael backed up a bit from the Foot Soldier he was facing and the pounding in his ears just wouldn't stop; he couldn't hear anything other than the blood rushing through his ears and it was really causing vertigo to latch onto his mind! In his distraction, he caught the blue eyes of the person behind the half-face mask and all he could think in that moment was April.

A guttural yell left his throat when a horrendous pain suddenly shot up through his arm; swinging around, his fist met the face of another Foot Soldier, their kurisama now embedded deep into his shoulder. Without thinking, he ripped it out , the found and sensation of his ripping flesh and dribbling blood was ignored; the metal landing to the cement with a loud thunk as he swung back around to slam into the blue-eyed soldier as if to halt his distracting thoughts of a certain brunette. They landed about twenty feet away into a pile of boxes as another dozen Foot Soldiers seemed to show up out of fucking nowhere. Squaring his shoulders, a sudden rage overtook the red-banded terrapin; the anger giving him just enough strength to take the remainder down. Before leaving, he quickly wrapped up his wound because the last fucking thing he needed was to pass out from blood loss in the midst of almost a hundred unconscious foot soldiers.

Within five minutes, he was outside into the frigid winter air yet he felt nothing.

Stopping atop a building, he looked down and realized where his feet had taken him without his consent...

April...

In an instant, he deflated, his shoulders that were previously heaving with deep breaths and adrenaline now slumped as he handed on his ass atop the rough grainy cement. Raphael couldn't find it in him to give a flying fuck as his body protested the movement of his arm on the way down. The sharp ache dulled after multiple moments as he sat upon the frigid rooftop; the cold breeze ruffling through his tattered red-mask. An overwhelming urge to sleep pulling at his system, his head lolling and eyelid's drooping, Raphael suddenly tensed at the sensation. He knew he needed to move or risk falling asleep and never waking up due to his cold-blooded nature. If he didn't move he'd die and as tempting as it was just to leave this tormenting hell behind, doing that was just plain stupid. As depressed he was over April, he wanted to die in a blaze of glory, not freezing to death on a rooftop; that would just be fucking pathetic.

Raphael hissed in pain as he stood to his feet; blood rushing to his frozen extremities as he prepared to head back to the lair and sleep. Something in his body knew it wasn't an option at this point; body frozen, he glanced down the fire escape, April's apartment less than ten stories down.

A pulling in his chest had his legs moving without his permission, steps heavy as he silently moved forward toward his apartment. He had to end this; had to just put and end to whatever hell he kept dragging himself through. Had to accept April would never see him as anything more than a strange friend, spending time with him only for the sake of wasting a night. It was his reality and he had to deal with it. Perhaps he grasped too firmly at her; too tightly to this woman who accepted each of them when she could have shunned. Maybe it was her kindness he never experienced pulling him in like a moth to a ranging inferno; it most likely was just all in his head. This demented attraction to a woman who was so far out of his league, she might as well been space-bound.

Who was he fucking kidding?

A sigh pulled at his lips when he found himself in front of her kitchen window; the digital clock upon the stove showing him it was already three in the morning. Raphael was tempted to leave at this point; just go on avoiding her yet he knew he couldn't anymore. Perhaps if he was truthful with himself, laying it bare that it would stop hurting so fucking bad. Coming to terms with it, he had to accept their friendship as all it would ever be; yes, perhaps she'd see him less once her and Casey got more serious...but he had to accept it. To enjoy it for what it was, and learn to accept that it would have to be enough in the end; for monsters like him just don't have fairy tale endings. First step was apologizing, to hopefully mend a relationship he was adamant to rupture; finding himself at the source, he knew there was no time like the present.

A rough, massive green hand lifted to rap on her window when he suddenly was stunned by a flash of light turning on in the kitchen; bathing the area in a warm light.

Raphael watched silently as April came into focus, the woman ambled slowly around the space for a moment, reaching into the cabinet to grab a glass and fill it with water. As she drank it, she subconsciously turned toward the window and Raphael was stunned when she didn't scream or choke on the liquid in her mouth, the only hint of her surprise by her rising eyebrows and widening eyes. Once she swallowed, she placed the tumbler on the counter and met his golden eyes.

"Raph?" she mouthed, swiftly closing the distance between herself and the window.

"Hey..." he said once she pulled opened the window, the stream of frigid winter air rushing into the apartment. Raphael had hardly noticed the cold for his body had become numb to most of his outward emotions.

"Hey." April replied, a half-smile pulling on her face as she crossed her arms in an immediately response to the cold and the shock to seeing him showing up out of nowhere.

April was adamant not to show her disappointment and relief at seeing him here. While it was a bit rude of him to not call back and take off when she went to see him, she was just pleased he was here at all.

"..." there was an almost visceral silence that developed between them but it was suddenly broken when April's eyes flashed to his shoulder and the crude, rust colored bandage covering it.

"Oh, my God! What happened!?" she gasped, eyes immediately lighting up with emotion at seeing such a massive injury.

Raphael barely paid a glance to his shoulder and shrugged, answering, "Just a scratch; 's nothin'." even if the motion caused utter agony to shoot through every fiber and nerve ending but his expression remained hard as stone. His heart skipping a beat at her concern but he was not prepared to stay and hoped his facade would be enough to ease her worry.

He was proven wrong almost immediately.

"'Nothin'!? Bullshit, Raph! That doesn't look like ' _nothing'_. Get in here!" April admonished the massive terrapin, grasping at his arm. Once she touched his arm she flinched at just how cold his skin was; the frigid temperature was enough for her heart to plummet into her stomach.

Raphael, while mutated, was still a cold blooded reptile and he should **not** be this cold...

"Raphael, you're **freezing**! Get your ass in here now!" she continued in a panicked tone, fruitlessly pulling his arm in an attempt to yank him inside the warmth of her apartment.

"S' fine, April! I just wanted ta sa-" he tried to protest but his body already wanted to cave to her demands; the warmth of her small hands encompassing his chest in warmth. Sleep was pulling at his body at the feeling and he knew it was worrisome for a cold-blooded reptile but he didn't care. He just had to get out of here but her next words dissipated those thoughts.

" **Now** , Raphael," she said firmly in a stern voice he hadn't heard since she was atop Sack's tower and yelling at the Shredder. "It's a requirement, not an option, now get in here, Raphael." she stood her ground with an adorable pout and a firm wag of her finger and the red-masked terrapin knew he was screwed. Staring into her blue eyes, he tried to convey his uncomfortably and his desire to flee but the sternness in her eyes was impenetrable. Looking down at her small hands that were now clasped around his wrist, he knew how easily he could break her grasp and take off without a word. There was no way she would physically be able to keep him here with their size difference alone and he was sorely tempted just to leave; to take off and fuck apologizing, he felt showing up was a mistake, but her next words froze his heart in his chest.

"Please, Raphael, just let me help you..." she said, the softness in her voice returning as he lifted her eyes to meet her gaze. There was obvious concern lacing those perfect eyes and as much as he knew staying would only hurt him further, he folded.

Staying away from her was impossible...she was his addiction and he was certain she'd be the death of him...

This beautiful woman held his heart in her dainty hands; his soul clamoring for her warmth even if it would end one day. It was certain she'd never feel anything but friendship, but it would be enough; it would have to be. Raphael had to accept it; for when her and Casey got more serious, he would be left behind for her new relationship, but for now, he was going to bask in her warmth and friendship. First though, he had to come to terms with how much of an ass he'd been and if he pulled away now, he might as well kiss this friendship goodbye and there was no way in hell he'd ever let that happen. She was far too precious just to discard for his own selfishness; so, when he felt her pull on his wrist again, he allowed her.

With nothing more than a sigh and swallowing a lump that blocked his airway, he maneuvered through the too small window and onto her smooth kitchen floor as she quickly shut the pane behind him. Raphael continued to stand there awkwardly, his fists clenching and unclenching as he awaited her next demand.

April was in rare form, her stubbornness outmatching his own as she grasped his arm and began leading him to her bathroom with nothing more than a huff.

* * *

 


	9. Alleviation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April tends to Raphael's wounds as well as his bleeding heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In celebration of the movie being released next/this Friday (technically Thursday for the midnight premiere, which of course I'm going to because I like to torture myself), I'm submitting a longer chapter as a thank you to all my readers for your continued support.
> 
> Y'all have no idea how happy I am to read all of your comments with every single update! You're the reason I'm still writing this and I hope you'll continue on this journey with me even in lieu of the new movie (and the outrageous amounts of Capril it's going to have...) *bleck* Oh well, as much as non-OTP couples suck, that's what fanon is for, right? :-)
> 
> Enjoy, y'all. xoxo

* * *

The joy of seeing Raphael for the first time in days was shattered upon seeing the horrific amount of blood staining the crude gauze covering most of his left shoulder.

How this guy always managed to get himself injured made it seem like he _wanted_ to.

Raphael's recklessness apparent in the way he seemed to be sporting new scars on thick emerald skin, cracks on his carapace and plastron nearly every other time she saw him; which was more times than she cared to count.

April was well aware that Raphael's strength far outweighed most enemies he and his brother's confronted on a regular basis but it still scared the crap out of her; especially upon recalling that devastatingly brief brawl between him and the Shredder she'd warily witnessed almost a full two years ago. It came as a shock to the brunette when she realized just how much she already cared about the massive terrapin after knowing him less than 24 hours. Watching him getting hurt/almost killed pulled brutally at her gut and now, two years later, _any_ injury he acquired added another scar to her own heart. Sensing worry and fear whenever he'd be out on patrol or getting into fights with multiple new enemies whom were seemingly stronger than the last. She dreaded the day the enemies would be too strong... Shaking her head at her troubling thoughts and focusing on the current moment, she found herself in the bathroom with him standing there looking awkward and huge in the doorway.

Ordering the terrapin to sit on her toilet with only a simple gesture of her hand, she was rather surprised when Raphael did what she'd asked with barely any hesitation and no complaints (it was the latter that shocked her the most).

In the light of the bathroom, she finally absorbed his appearance for the first time since having breakfast together more than four days ago. Normally golden eyes looked like dull honey; the whites bloodshot and dark shadows cast underneath. It was devastatingly obvious that Raph hadn't slept in days and any questions as to why had to remain unanswered as blue eyes gravitated toward his massive shoulder.

Raphael had unsurprisingly patched him up himself in a hurry. The wrapping was crude and hastily done, not tight enough to staunch much blood, hence the large amount crusting on the once-white gauze. Blood leaking upon his bottle green with hints of olive-colored deltoid; the large scales and its groves filled and stained with the nearly burgundy substance that had long since dried. Looking back to his stoic face, his burnished gold eyes were trained on his feet and she knew admonishing him about being so utterly reckless right now was not going to help anyone, especially him. A deep sigh left her mouth as she took in his injury; her only goal at this point was to patch him up and she better take advantage of it while his guard was down and he was actually allowing her.

April got to work quickly for something inside told her this uncharacteristic calmness wouldn't last.

Stepping to the side, she reached underneath the sink to retrieve a first aid kit and gathering everything necessary in order to bandage him up properly. A beige rag was under the faucet, the warm water saturating it as she worked to remove the bandage; untying it and unraveling the cloth with as much care as possible. April held back the desire to flinch every time it got caught on his dried blood and ripping up the new growing scabs but Raphael remained still as a stone and silent as night. The reporter bit her lip as she finally removed the crusted gauze, dumping the dirty, bloody remains into the trash before washing her hands and setting to work on repairing the egregious amounts of damage. A part of her wanted to call Donatello to make sure there wasn't a serious underlying problem but the more logical side of her realized Raphael probably wouldn't let him.

With this thought, she continued.

Dainty hands worked methodically as she cleaned the wound with the warm rag, trying her damnedest not to get squeamish at the amount of blood and the puncture wound itself that had dug deeply into his muscle. A rebellious sigh left her throat as she desperately wanted to admonish his behavior; a recklessness that far outpaced any of his brothers in the obvious discrepancy in injuries that he seemed to get the most of. Ignoring her own anger in lieu of patching him up, she silently rinsed off the rag in the sink; heart twisting in her chest at the blood that now stained the porcelain.

Cleaning it as best she could, she removed the remaining crimson from his shoulder until just the open puncture remained. She'd dumped the ruined rag in the small trash can before retrieving a bottle of alcohol, allying a generous amount onto a new make-up sponge, she pressed it firmly onto the open wound.

* * *

Sitting awkwardly on her toilet as she cleaned up the new wound on his massive shoulder was not how he planned tonight going whatsoever.

_Hell, he didn't plan coming to her place at all._

It was almost an instinct at this point; the all-encompassing need just to be _near_ her was debilitating and he hated how easily he was as a moth to her flame. All he wanted to do was apologize and leave; sleep already pulling at his system but when she grabbed him to pull him into the warmth of her homey apartment, it was apparent he'd _never_ be able to say no to her. How utterly pathetic he felt at caving to her every whim; just the touch of her hands on his skin; how easily it would be to pull away from her touch yet so utterly impossible; she may as well have him in shackles and cracking a whip and he'd be helpless to refuse any and all demands...and fuck, she didn't even have to _**try**_.

The pain of the alcohol she began applying stung like ever-loving **hell** but he remained quiet. He'd experienced far worse pain after all; his shell tingled at the ghostly sensation of Shredder's foot upon his carapace that still remained. The impression it left was powerful and the overwhelming scent of alcohol was nothing compared to the touch of her dainty hands on his scales; so gentle yet firm at the same time. The scent of her skin and hair over-taking over every single one of his senses; her close proximity causing his head and heart to ache fiercely; every fiber and nerve alight with her touch.

 _God_ , how he missed her these past few days...

Presence more soothing than he cared to admit, the warmth she exuded in her kindness and willingness to continually welcoming him into her home after he'd been such an asshole was insurmountable. The guilt manifesting in his chest akin to a physical pain worse than the agony lacing his shoulder. So tempted to look at her as she worked was nearly overwhelming...but he didn't.

Amber eyes focused on anything but the brunette. His heart already twisting from hurt pride and a broken heart than having to take in her beauty and getting lost in another insecure battle with himself over why he came over here at all. He felt so fuckin' stupid coming over uninvited at three in the morning, with a hurt shoulder no less, and allowing her to mend his wound rather than letting her get much needed rest for a long day of work ahead of her. His own selfishness just to be near her stifling; filling him with utter confusion of the levels of her hospitality and kindness toward someone who treated her like complete shit these past few days.

Raphael did the unthinkable to someone who'd been nothing but kind to him these past few years; ignoring her many calls and texts in lieu of stewing in his self-pity and grief that she would never look at him the way she did at Casey. Bottling down the truth he didn't want to accept that it was purely jealousy that he'd never experience a normal life; stuck in a monstrous form April would never accept as anything more than a strange friend, when he should be damn grateful she allowed him a place in her life at all. Feeling almost nauseous at that fact, Raphael was desperate to mend whatever was viable of this " _relationship_ " he had with April... In other words, beg for her forgiveness even at the risk of his own stubborn pride.

Yet he could not find himself able to look at her, let alone speak.

Eyes seeking out _anything_ to focus on before he attempted to open his mouth, he noticed something new, shiny and red in his peripheral; the item casually leaning near the front door to her apartment. It was a bicycle, but not the old blue and black model that she frequently used as a transport to and from work when the weather permitted. For the life of him he couldn't recall seeing it before. Definitely not at the lair because if Donnie was upgrading or working on it, he would have noticed it at some point in the many instances he himself was in and out of the lab (to Donnie's dismay most of the time); either working on his motorcycle or grabbing a tool for chores around the house.

Long story short, this was something he knew _nothing_ about.

"...Where'd ya get that?" The question left his mouth before he even had time to think about it.

"Hmm?" April asked, hiding the shock at hearing his voice suddenly ring out; peering up from her work to over to where his gaze was studiously trained.

"Oh. _Yeah_! Casey hooked me up with it!" April said and Raphael's heart plummeted at just how her voice raised an octave when mentioning his name. Not aware of how it affected the stoic terrapin, April continued, "He noticed my old bike was getting pretty old and beat-up so this guy he works with runs a bike shop and offered me deal to repair it with all new parts. Case just dropped it off a couple nights ago. I would have loved to try it out by now, but with the weather, I still haven't had the chance, but isn't it awesome!? All it cost me was fifty bucks and _look at it_ , it looks brand spankin' new! Anyway, he got me a great deal, don't you think?" April finished her story with a smile in his direction even if his eyes never left the bike.

A sensation of relief that Raphael had never believed he'd ever experience washed over his body, the feeling akin to a warm summer rain, as he absorbed the news. The " _date_ " her and Casey supposedly had was nothing more than for her goddamned **bike**!

At this moment, a viable relief lifted a heavy weight compressing his chest and if anything, he felt like a complete fuckin' idiot as it dawned on him that he was petrified for absolutely _no_ reason at all... Something akin to hope filled his chest as he finally allowed his eyes to meet hers. Thankful she was looking away for he was well aware his eyes probably beamed with the unbridled joy and relief to showcase to her; the last thing he wanted her to see is that he was a self-conscious, jealous, creepy basket-case.

"Y-Yeah, that's a steal." he replied absentmindedly as he looked at her profile.

"I know, right?" she replied with her eyes remaining on his shoulder. The brunette was enamored with her task, her bottom lip clenched between her pearly white teeth as she worked on applying stitching material for the wound to suture it closed. It was still unbelievable at how gentle she was; himself used to enemies doing everything in their power to try and end his life, he was unaccustomed to being treated in such a tender manner.

_It still blew his fucking mind..._

Swallowing back a lump trapped in his airway, Raphael finally allowed himself to stare at her for a moment as she worked. As much relief as he felt toward the instance with her and Casey, it didn't quench the guilt at how he'd treated her leading up to this moment. Bailing on her when she made him breakfast and ignoring her calls and texts. Shutting off his phone just so he didn't have to hear the many notifications that symbolized that she actually gave somewhat of a fuck about him. A part of him wanted rejection; wanted her anger because it was what he accustomed to experiencing; not this kindness and forgiveness he had no business receiving.

For a long while, he watched as she finished stitching his shoulder, washing her hands before going in for a thick fresh gauze. Silently reminding himself to replenish her first-aid kit; Lord knows it probably wasn't cheap. He focused on her hands as she lopped the white fabric over and under his massive deltoid, the brush of her fingers as she did so causing his heart to be soothed and remain frantic all at once.

It was a strange, albeit pleasant, sensation.

It all ended too soon; tying off the bandage, she flashed him a tight smile before going to clean up the area and wash her hands again. Raphael's cheeks flushed when he realized that he'd been staring. Returning his attention to rolling his shoulder to test the validity of her suturing skills and he wasn't surprised by how good of a job she did. There was no uncomfortable pulling or itchiness that usually accompanied that stitching material; she was as good as Donatello - maybe even better - mainly cause she didn't have three massive fingers to her disadvantage with the careful detail treating such wounds required.

"So, I see you've been busy these past few days; spending time kicking ass and adding another impressive scar to the collection?" she asked to fill the ever increasing silence and the massive terrapin was certain his heart gave out when she suddenly reached for his face. Her fingers brushing over the scar on his chin and the other tugging lightly at one of his mask tails almost absentmindedly.

Downturn face lifted to look at her; realizing with his forward-leaning seated position that they were nearly eye-level. He wasn't sure how to react, while she gave him hugs and touched his arm on occasion, she'd _never_ touched his face or dared touch his mask (not while she thought he was awake anyway). The fact she was touching him so brazenly and without prompting was quite shocking but he didn't dare deter her from doing it. When a flash of realization dawned over her blue eyes at exactly what she had just done, he was quick to smile back, appeasing her nervousness at her uncharacteristic action.

"Yep," Raphael replied with a breathy chuckle, "Don't know how much of a scar it'll leave since ya did such a good job bandagin' it." he said, bravely brushing his chin firmer against her fingertips, which only caused her smile to widen and her cheeks flush a soft pink hue. The sight of her reaction had his stomach in knots and heart pounding so frantically against his plastron that he _swore_ she could hear it.

"Hmm." she hummed in reply, lightly ghosting a small finger across the thin scar before her hands slowly retreated; lowering to her sides where she nervously began toying with her shorts and the arms of the long-sleeved plaid shirt she had cinched around her tiny waist.

There was a long silence and before his mind even caught up with what he was doing, he spoke, " _...sorry_." his smile and her own falling as a result of the sudden topic change.

"...For what?" she asked, the uplifting of her manicured brows showcasing her confusion but hid her shock at the words Raphael rarely, if _ever_ , spoke.

"...Jus' showing up at this hour. I shoulda told ya ahead a time."

"It's okay. I was getting much sleep anyway; just tossing and turning mainly," the brunette responded with a light shrug and for the first time, Raphael took notice of light purple bags underneath her bright eyes. Work must have been hell but if he'd only known the actual truth...

The terrapin remained silent for many long moments before he knew it was necessary to do what he came here for in the first place, "...also, fer not callin' ya back. I was a total dick to do that to ya," he ignored the surprise that came over her face at his words, "I jus'...had a lot of shit I was dealin' with and I know it ain't right ta do that but I jus'-"

"It's okay." April tried to quell the nervousness that Raphael had begun showcasing in how he began nervously tapping his heel and wringing his hands.

"No, it ain't. I was a total _asshole_!" he replied much louder than he intended; eyes falling to the floor for a moment, lifting after a second to see the contemplative look upon her face.

Raphael wasn't one to announce his own faults verbally; he usually left it for his own self-doubting mind so for him to say it so suddenly and unprovoked surprised her. She said nothing for a long time; her plump bottom lip wedged between her teeth as she looked at him; a sudden sigh left her lips and the breath brushed lightly over his face.

"Well...I guess I can't argue with you there. Truthfully, I _was_ a bit upset when you didn't call or text back...and took off that night I went to go visit you guys..." she spoke with eyes gazing into his own; Raphael's desire to curl into his shell increased when his many transgressions were laid out so plainly in front of him, but his obvious nervousness was ignored as she continued, "...but mainly, I was... _worried_. I didn't know what was going on with you and wondered if it was somehow _my_ fault...but if all it was is what you just wanted to be alone for awhile, I understand that, Raphael. I mean, there's days I just wanna be alone too. We all experience that sometimes." April responded with a light shrug and the large terrapin hated how his stomach clenched at how easily she disregarded his unforgivable behavior.

"April, I-" he tried to argue but she shook her head at his words and they died in his throat.

"Nope. Enough of that." she sighed with a resolute gesture of her hand, "It's _late,_ I'm _tired,_ and I need some hot chocolate - _and you're joining me_." April said with a resolute smile, not even awaiting his answer before suddenly leaving him alone in the bathroom with his troubled thoughts.

Raphael wanted to argue, wanted to get her riled up and yelling at him just to validate his own-self loathing at this whole situation, but he was **too** damn tired. Standing to his protesting, wobbling legs, he took a glance at himself in the mirror and cringed at how fucking _awful_ he looked.

 _Even more than usual_...he thought with a mirthless chuckle escaping from between his thick lips. Taking a quick glance to make sure she wasn't there, he quickly removed his mask, turned on the faucet and splashed his face with massive handfuls of water to at least make himself somewhat presentable.

Once his face was dry and mask tied back securely around it, he walked into the living room. Depositing his weapons onto her low bookshelf before making his way to sit down on the couch. His heavy weight causing the springs to protest but he melted into the worn, comfortable fabric nearly instantly.

"Sorry, it'll be a couple more minutes. The only decent pot, to boil water in, is _filthy!_ " April complained from the kitchen with an overly dramatic sigh. The sound of it had Raphael smiling despite himself.

"S' okay." he responded quietly, not even noticing that when he spoke his voice came out a bit slurred.

Instead, he tried his damnedest to ignore how fiercely his eyes were burning, concluding he must have just gotten some soap in them. The terrapin was sorely tempted to flip on the television to fill the deafening silence and quell the ringing in his ears but before his mind could fully process the thought, he rested his head on the back of the couch in hopes to clear his mind of rampaging thoughts. Raphael silently focused on the few cracks marring the white canvas of her ceiling; his chest felt light for the relief of what had just occurred and the realization his worry and anxiety had all been for naught. For the first time in his life, he'd never been more grateful to be wrong. His heartbeat quelled and uplifted for first time in days, Raphael didn't even notice how his eyelids began drooping and body relaxing further into the worm leather.

* * *

"Dammit, I really need my landlord to fix that stupid dishwasher! I told him _three_ times and yet the jerk keeps putting me off, but not anymore!" April ranted, walking out of the kitchen with two steaming mugs filled to the brim with dark cocoa and snowy white marshmallows, "Not only did I have to scrub whatever crap brunt in that pan, I had to wash these cups by _hand_ and of _course_ , I'd forg-" It wasn't until she was right next to the couch when her voice stopped cold and her blue eyes widened in shock (she was overwhelming grateful she didn't drop the cups in the process). The previous anger at her useless appliance dissolving like snow on a summer sidewalk; a bright smile instantly lighting up her face as she took in the sight before her.

Raphael was fast asleep. His head resting on the back of her couch, hand comfortably atop the armrest and his other limply curled in his lap; chest riding and falling with long, deep soothing breaths.

April was certain she'd never seen a sweeter sight.

There was just _something_ about seeing this tank-framed, lethal ninja warrior sleeping so peacefully that warmed her to the very core.

All the shit she'd been dealing with these past few days of him avoiding her melted at seeing him in this way. He'd further surprised her tonight; admitting his wrongs and apologizing was not anything she had expected from the massive terrapin. She constantly had to remind herself he was only 19 and had very limited human interactions; which had taken her by surprise given his maturity which exceeded many thirty year olds. Yet, she supposed he still didn't understand how avoiding her had hurt her, but some part of her thought perhaps he did, for it was obviously affecting him as well. Willing to apologize and in person no less was a strength far beyond his physical and she appreciated more than he'd ever know.

Feeling a bit awkward when she caught herself blatantly staring him as she slept, she quietly placed the mugs on the table with a soft click. She stared at him a few moments more; blue eyes scanning him to see if perhaps he was deeply sleeping for she did not want to disturb his slumber.

"...Raph?" she whispered, " _Raph_?" she said louder and let out a sigh of relief when he didn't move a muscle. Assured that he was indeed dead to the world, she reached out a hand, brushing it over his uninjured shoulder and the chill of his skin had her flinch away. Task in mind, she retreated to her linen closet to retrieve an old comforter and as gently as possible, she maneuvered it over his form to where it lay from half-way down his chest and draping over his legs. Thinking it was enough to stave off at least some cold, she retrieved the mugs and was intent on leaving but she froze for a moment but her blue eyes gravitated toward him again; roving his face and not noticing how her heart hammered quicker in her chest as she took in his peaceful visage.

"Goodnight, Raphael." she whispered before retreating to her own room where she slept well for the first time in days.


	10. Endearment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something incredible happens and Raphael doesn't see it coming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Ten chapters already. I can't thank y'all enough for your continued support, it means a lot, also since it is the tenth chapter, thought I'd make it longer than usual but don't get used to it. Lol. I'll be back to around half this length again starting next chapter.
> 
> Hope you enjoy. :-)
> 
> Also, did all of you see the new turtle movie yet!? Don't wanna spoil anything if someone hasn't, but just go see it (even if it's just to see Raph being the sexy hunk of turtle he is - hubba, hubba...)! xoxo

* * *

The first thing Raphael became aware of was the fierce aching in every fiber and nerve ending in his exhausted body.

Shell protesting his positioning, he shifted in the soft leather and the sensation of warm fabric atop his form. Body much more comfortable and the lull of sleep continually pulling at his system; he was sorely tempted to accept its siren's song when a sudden closing of a door had him flinch and burnished gold eyes to reluctantly peel open. Blurry surroundings became clearer after only moments and as soon as they did, his heart stopped cold in his chest.

Instead of the bright, overtly saturated colors of the lair awaiting him, he was met with a much too plain white walls and brownish-gray furniture. A familiar apartment to be sure; all of a sudden, the previous nights events flooded his system with horrible realization of what must have occurred: waiting on her couch while April was making hot cocoa. He never recalled her entering the room with any cups; instead, just remembered staring at her ceiling before everything went black - it dawned on him that he'd indeed fallen asleep at her place...

Sitting up much too quickly in a panicked scramble, Raphael had to grasp onto the arm of the leather couch to avoid face-planting into her coffee table.

" **Fuck**!" he cursed loudly when the sudden jolt of action had his shoulder screaming at him with red-hot agony; the pain was so great he was surprised he didn't black-out.

"Oh my God! Raphael, are you okay!?" a frantic voice appearing at his side had him subconsciously cursing and pulling back away from it to only be met with April's concerned face. His eyes still bleary, he took her in for a second, noticing her attire of a dark green tank top, skinny jeans, and mustard-colored jacket draped over her arm; make-up meticulously applied and a light wave in her hair causing it to bounce with every move that she made. It was quite obvious by her appearance and wardrobe that she'd just been leaving or had returned from work.

 _Fuck, just how_ _**long** _ _had he been asleep?_

"Aw, **fuck** , April - I-I didn't mean ta fall asleep here, I - Damn, what time is it? I-I need - w-wanna get -" Raph ranted, his words slurred and not making much sense as he made his way to a seated position and flinging the thick comforter off of him. The embarrassment causing his body to heat up and cheeks to flush a burgundy red. Quickly wiping a hand over his face, he cringed when he felt a bit of wetness on the side of his lips.

 **Shit!** He'd been drooling!

"Raphael, it's okay..." April said, her hands reaching to touch his aching shoulder and he went silent. His tongue was tied as she touched his bandage checking for blood if he'd managed to pop a stitch in his recklessness, but after a moment, she seemed satisfied that he hadn't and pulled away. "Gotta be careful big guy. Don't want me fixing you up again, do you? I probably should get you a couple Tylenol though; that can't feel too good." she continued, brushing a finger lightly over his arm as she trailed it down from his shoulder down to his forearm where it came to rest.

Raphael watched it all take place before his wide golden eyes nervously meet hers, he couldn't help but stare at her when she smiled so easily at him. A hot cinder of shame rested uncomfortably in his stomach but he ignored it in lieu of giving her his full attention.

"Also, I don't mind if you sleep here once in awhile, Raph." she spoke seriously as she moved to sit next to him, "All that matters is that you got some rest. Heh, but I'm also glad you're awake too. You didn't seem to want to wake up this morning, sleepy-head." she giggled breathily, one of her hands reaching up to bop him lightly upon his flat nose playfully as her other continued ghosting her fingernails along his forearm and his scales prickled as a jolt of electricity went down his shell at the pleasant sensation. He tried to completely ignore her indications and adventures as to what exactly happened during this morning as she tried to awake him by changing the subject.

"W-What time is it?" he asked again while scratching uncomfortably at the back of his head. His stomach was feeling a bit ill all of a sudden; massive headache and pain echoing throughout his shoulder wasn't helping matters either.

"It's a little after 6. I got back from work about half an hour ago. Actually, I-I'm glad you were still here; thought you would have taken off if you woke up when if I was still at work." she replied with a sad shrug and his chest ached for a moment upon the conversation of his avoidance they had just last night, or rather this morning... When her smile returned, Raphael's heart calmed considerably at her melodious voice and constant touch, his shoulder's deflated and the pain echoing through his left one dulled. Her smile never faltered and as much as he loved her smile, he began to grow a little uncomfortable at how she was staring up at him. Growing self-aware that there very well could be something on his face, he opened his mouth to speak but flinched when her doorbell rang.

"Ooh! There's the pizza." April said without waiting for a reply, she relinquished her hold on him and left to answer the door.

Still shaky from his half-asleep state, Raphael lumbered to his feet to gather his belongings. He'd intruded enough and didn't want to ruin her dinner too; he'd already spend too many hours sleeping on her couch and further collapsing its springs and that was _quite_ enough for one day...

When the brunette returned, there was almost a crackle of electricity in the air when she no doubt noticed his intent to leave. The massive terrapin was in the process of reaching for his sais when he peered back at her over the massive expanse of his shoulder and gave her a curious look; noticing she had at least four large pizzas perched awkwardly in her thin, delicate arms.

"Just _what_ do you think you're _**doing**_?" she asked, not bothering to hide her obvious displeasure toward his actions in her voice.

_Raph wouldn't lie, it fuckin' scared him._

"I-I better go. I shouldn't stay, I've got a lotta -" Raph tried to explain, hoping she wouldn't notice the drop of sweat on his forehead; April O'Neil could be just as scary as Sensei when she was mad. How exactly a 5' 4", 125 lb. woman without a lick of ninjitsu training could be so downright terrifying, Raphael would never know...

"Raph, you're not going _anywhere_ until you have eaten something." April demanded, placing the pizzas down on her coffee room table before fisted hands went to rest on her flared hips as she stared at the obviously nervous terrapin.

"I'm not dat hungry, and da guys -" and it appeared as if the universe wasn't through messing with him for the second the words left his mouth, his stomach promptly let out a horrifically embarrassing loud growl. His face flushed at the noise and he remained adamant his heart did _not_ skip a beat when April anger faded instantly; she didn't laugh or look at him strangely upon hearing the noise, just smiled, proudly displaying all her perfectly straight white teeth.

"...what was that about not being hungry?" she sing-songed, jutting out one of her hips slightly as she stared up at the terrapin who's only wish at this moment was that the floor would kindly swallow him whole.

"Um..." he grumbled, swallowing a sudden lump and praying his face wasn't as red as it felt.

" _Exactly_. Now sit your butt down and have a couple slices and _then_ you're more than welcome to leave. Capiche?" April admonished, not even awaiting his answer as she began opening the boxes and suddenly, Raphael felt his appetite return with a vengeance upon smelling the alluring aroma of grease and cheese that he could never refuse.

 _Dammit,_ April sure knew how to get through to him... Glancing into the box and indeed seeing it was his favorite pizza that he didn't get to enjoy as often as he would have liked.

Still, none of this felt right considering what an unbelievable asshole he'd been these past few days. He didn't deserve any of this kindness...

"T-The guys, April, I better -" Raphael rambled, finding any excuse possible to leave at this point. He felt embarrassed enough already and having her here and being so beautiful was not what he was prepared to deal with right now. And _fuck_ , his shoulder hurt so bad.

"Raph, they're fine. I already talked to them." she shrugged, heading to the kitchen to grab a few drinks and plates.

"You **what**?!" he asked horrified, following her almost absentmindedly.

"Yeah, they called me. They were worried about you when they couldn't get a hold of you - your phone must have been dead or something - anyway, they were wondering if I knew where you were and I told them you were at my place." April replied all while with her head was in the fridge, digging around to retrieve a couple cans of Coke. "They just said ' _alright'_ and that was that... Oh, and I ran out of Orange Crush, is this okay?" she continued, presenting said cans to the tongue-tied terrapin.

"I-I...wait...W-What?" Raph sighed, arms that were gesturing wildly in his confusion fell limply to his sides.

April let out an epic sigh at his confusion and belligerent answer, closing the fridge door with a resounding _whoosh_ before she deciding to answer him,"Raph, they're _fine_. After all, this isn't the first time you went AWOL on them and it by _far_ won't be the last. Your dad and brothers don't care you were here; they don't even need you home right away! All they just wanted to know where you were. That's all. Now, come on, Big Guy! I think the Knick's playoff game is on tonight."

Raphael wordlessly followed after her as she continued to the living room and switching on the television to the basketball game. April left to go to the restroom as Raphael stood helplessly staring after her than back to the television and couch that still retained his imprint from his monumental weight and the wadded up comforter she'd draped over him as he slept. Every instinct told him to bail but he knew it was useless; not after everything she'd already done for him... Swallowing his pride, he plopped back down on the couch with a resounding sigh; all he could hope for now was to not make an ever bigger idiot out of himself tonight.

As April reappeared, she came bearing a few ibuprofen and placed them into his awaiting hand. After chugging them back with a long swig of coke, he muttered a quick " _thanks_ " as the brunette handed him a paper plate.

Stomach still in knots, Raphael accepted it and waited until she'd grabbed a slice for herself before digging in for a couple. Before long, the awkwardness he'd felt at first faded, the caffeine from the soda kicking in and having food in his stomach was more calming on his nerves than he imagined (the pills dulling his pain contributed). The excitement from the game took over; before long, both were laughing and cheering for their hometown team and just enjoying the company and atmosphere being together entailed. They'd been friends for so long Raphael kept forgetting how easy it was to be near her and to just be himself around her. She was spirited, feisty and it became most evident when they'd watch sporting events together.

At first, he was a bit shocked by how much she enjoyed watching sports; she wasn't afraid to act like one of the guys and he swore it was one of the most endearing things about her. Catching a glance of her as she suddenly jumped excitedly to her feet and let out a cheer when their team scored, he found himself smiling like a fucking idiot.

This time he didn't care if she saw it; instead, he embraced it.

* * *

"Aw, _fuck_ , how great would it be to be on the sidelines of one of these!?" Raph mused as the bell signaling half-time rung out. Eyes gravitating toward his plate; taking another bite of the now lukewarm slice. Shaking his head and boiling down his own feelings toward the lack of acceptance he'd been feeling his entire life. Not wanting to dwell on negative thoughts anymore tonight, his eyes lifted back to the television and to the half-time show that was going on as background noise.

"What are you talking about? Don't you and your brothers sneak into these games all the time?" April mused before taking a drink of her soda.

"Not since Mikey ruined it. We still haven't gotten around to findin' a new spot." he muttered between bites.

"Hmm, well, I dunno. I think watching the game from television is just as fun. Other than playing the game yourself of course." April replied.

"Play? Nah. Watchin' is better."

"Wait. You'd rather watch and not play? You're seven feet tall, ridiculously strong, and incredibly fast. You're basically made for it." April asked, mindlessly ripping apart a piece of pizza crust with her fingers and Raphael pretended her kind words didn't effect him as much as they did.

"Peh," the sputtered after swallowing another large bite, "Other than Mikey, my bros ain't into sports. Lame-o-nardo and Dork-a-tello are always in their own world doin' their own thing and Mikey cheats at every game we've ever played since we were kids. So, nah, ain't really worth it."

"What about with those guys? If given the chance, would you play with them?" April gestured to the athletes on television and Raphael had to keep from breaking out laughing.

"Heh. Like those puny humans would stand a **chance**! They can't take on a ninja, that would be plain unfair. So in this instance, I'd rather watch 'em duke it out."

"Really? Well, for me, I'd rather go one-on one and I think I could take you." April shrugged, popping a small piece of crust into her mouth and chewing it thoughtfully as she looked over at him.

Raph turned his eyes away from bright box to look at her for a second and mentally take in what she just said. "One-on-One? Against **me**? Yer kiddin', right, April?" Raph laughed, nudging her with his shoulder, surprising himself by how ballsy he found himself being with her tonight. "I got almost two feet on ya! Ya'd never even get the chance to dribble the ball!"

"Oh, is that a challenge?" April said, blue eyes boring into his and her perfect eyebrows raised awaiting his answer. Taking a long languid bite of the pizza crust in her hand as she did so.

"...Ya serious?" he asked after a moment when her face remained serious.

"What? Scared you might _lose_ , Big Guy?" she replied with a wink and he swore he almost swallowed his tongue, but his face remained stoic and mood playful to try and not freak her out.

"Aw, hell no. You're on. Next time yer at the lair, I'll hang up the hoop and we'll go one-on-one. I'll just try not to step on ya." he replied with a shrug and April playfully pushed his arm.

"You smug ass!" she laughed, squealing a bit when he suddenly grabbed the rest of the crust from her hand, the bread dangling from between his fingers all while April stared at him in shock. "H-How dare you! Did you just steal that from me!?" April continued, the seriousness of her statement lost by how much laughter escaped during the duration of the sentence.

"That's the same thing I'll be doin' with the basketball." he spoke smugly before placing the bread between his teeth when he suddenly found her on top of him. Her arms strewn messily about his shoulders and he allowed her slight weight to push him on his shell down into the soft couch. She lay on her stomach atop his plastron, soft breasts pressing into the plates and feeling every curve and the heat radiating from her body was enough of a shock for him to allow what happened next.

The crust suspending from his lips, Raphael was silent as April crawled farther atop his plastron, fingers swiftly stealing back the crust from in-between his teeth.

"...maybe, but I'll be right there stealing it back..." she replied in a thick voice and raspy chuckle that turned his tongue into lead.

He didn't move when she gave him a haughty smirk before she placed the rebounded crust back into her mouth and ate it. He stared at her as she licked the excess crumbs off her fingers and made absolutely no move to climb off of him. He watched her mouth silently, her small pink tongue flicking out to wet her plump lips before her teeth enveloped the bottom one and all he could think about was what those lips might feel like upon his... Burnished gold eyes met hers again and his heart skipped upon seeing how open and just how _blue_ they were...this whole time wondering if he had fallen asleep for this _had_ to be a dream...

Raphael was welcomed into reality by April's breathy laughter.

After she swallowed the bread, she said, "You alright, Big Guy?" while playfully bopped him on the flat of his nose with a dainty finger and resting her hands upon his massive shoulders.

"Mm-hmm" he replied, brought out of his stupor to smile at her.

"So, how about this Friday? I get off of work early and we could probably have a game before you head out on patrol." she asked, fingers absentmindedly tracing his collarbones.

"S-sure." he responded, surprised his tongue still worked and brain hadn't imploded from the unbelievable events of what was currently happening to him.

"Hope it doesn't bother you that your brothers will be there to watch you get your ass handed to you." she laughed, the sound of her laughter and sensation of her warm breath on his face inadvertently causing Raphael's shell to tingle.

"Oh, you're **on** , O'Neil." he responded quickly, absorbing this new-found boldness both of them were having. The last thing he wanted was this moment to end.

Raphael's answer had a profound effect on her, a brilliant smile lighting up her face and he couldn't help but return it with one of his own.

The television fading into the background as she stared down at him, her magnificent loose hair tickling the sensitive area where his plastron met skin; her smile fell into a look of quiet contemplation as she gazed deep into his eyes. Raphael swallowed back a lump that formed as he watched her, his hands remaining firmly at his sides, not wanting to break whatever spell had fallen over them.

It was almost like a dream...

April's mouth opened as if to speak when her cell phone ringing caused her to suddenly sit up and maneuver herself off of him much to Raphael's dismay.

"Sorry, my boss was supposed to call!" she said by way of explanation as she crawled off of him.

His own thoughts fell to the wayside when April suddenly tripped on the edge of the rug and Raphael reached out to steady her. She sent him back a thankful look before quickly turning away to retrieve her phone from the bedroom. The terrapin was too busy trying to come to grips of what just happened to even notice how April's cheeks burned and she inwardly cursed her own clumsiness as she left to retrieve her phone.

The terrapin was instantly flung back into reality, his stomach feeling suddenly heavy as he sat up on the couch and half-way listened to her conversation with a person on the other line and the blaring television that seemed far too loud even with his pulse pounding in his ears. His heart was racing and he was questioning if that really just happened...

April returned a moment later, sitting down on the couch as Raph found himself glancing at her profile, her brows furrowed and biting nervously on one of her nails as she listened and responded to whoever she spoke with. Knowing she was distracted, his mind wandered, questioning the familiarity of his body's reactions to her; the tenseness in his shell and the constant thrumming of his frantic heart and pulse were intensified as he tried to digest her actions. She'd been touchy-feely before but never to the point of crawling on top of him; he supposed stealing her pizza crust had something to do with it but he was still unsure...it just all seemed so unreal...

So lost in his thoughts, he barely noticed her hanging up the phone, the only reason he noticed was the clack it made when she placed it back on the table.

A deep sigh left her throat as she flopped back into the couch and his own problems were forgotten at seeing the woman in such dismay.

"April, is somethin' wrong?" Raph asked.

"Ugh... I have to go in early tomorrow. Apparently, my boss wants a private meeting in regards to my latest promotion. God, I'm _never_ going to get a day off again..." April groaned into her hands.

"That sucks."

"I blame myself; I mean, I asked for it. Wanting to be more than the froth for so long..." Raph hid his confusion at word as she continued, "Now, they've given me so much work, I can barely keep up and damn, they want me to be there at five in the morning! It's like torture sometimes." she replied with a shrug and tired smile in his direction.

There was silence for a moment before he spoke again. "Sorry. But um, heh... Well, it's gettin' kinda late and if ya have to be there early, I should get outta yer hair so ya can rest up for tomorrow." he chuckled, moving to stand to his wobbly legs.

"No, Raph, I didn't mean you have to leave! It's not even 9!"

"It's a'ight. I should head back to the lair before patrol starts anyway. Don't wanna get my ass chewed out by dad fer skippin' again." he shrugged, being sure to give her a reassuring smile as he began holstering his sais that still remained on her bookshelf.

"You sure? I don't want you feel like I'm kicking you out. You really don't have to go if you don't want to, Raph." April stated, standing to her feet and brushing back her hair as if only to give her hands something to do.

"Yer not. It's been fun. It's best I go grab a shower and stuff before we go on patrol." he explained, his hands awkwardly readjusting his pants as they stood facing each other not really sure what to say or do next. It seemed both were still thinking about what just spontaneously occurred.

"Oh, okay... T-Thanks for staying and humoring me by letting me play nurse for awhile, Raph - and you know, the pizza and basketball game was fun too." April spoke softly as she followed him to the kitchen window.

"No prob." he replied, still getting used to the idea of being back at her place after how he just fled those few days ago without much of an explanation. It was amazing how quickly they'd readjusted so naturally. He was about to open her window to head out when April suddenly spoke up again.

"Hey, wait, Raph. Why don't you take the rest of the untouched pizzas to the guys? I'd rather not have it around. It'll probably just end up going bad with hellish work schedule I have this week." April offered before leaving him alone in the kitchen as she retrieved the two untouched pizza boxes from the coffee table.

"You sure? You at least wanna keep a piece fer yourself?" he asked, turning back to look at her return to the kitchen; nervously readjusting his pants and the straps that made an X across his chest.

"Nah, I'm good. I'll just take the few extra slices from the other boxes to work." she replied with a smile, placing the two boxes into his arms.

"Hmph. Sure; we'll make sure it won't go to waste. Umm...anyway, thanks; ya know, fer the pizza and everythin'. I-I'll see ya later, April." he said standing awkwardly in front of the small window as she put the boxes into his arms. It must have been a really strange sight to see a seven foot muscular turtle holding pizza boxes in huge, scarred hands but it didn't seem to bother her; she just smiled unabashedly at him. With a nod of his head, Raphael turned around and faced the window leading to the outside world.

"Raph...Wait." she whispered when he was about to lift the glass pane.

"Hmm?" he mumbled curiously, brow ridges furrowed and task forgotten as he turned to look at the pretty reporter.

"Y-You have something on your face." she approached and spoke, close enough for him to take in the sweet scent of her hair and lingering floral perfume.

"Aw, shit..." Raph grumbled; first instinct was to panic, nearly dropping the pizzas to swipe a huge mitt furiously across his mug; during this moment of hopeless embarrassment on his part, the brunette's smile only widened. "Did I get it?" he continued, nervously pulling his hand away and looking at her in hopes of whatever attached itself to his face was now gone.

"Hmm... Nope! Missed it. Here, let me get it." she chimed and Raph was certain his heart imploded in his chest the second she reached up to grab at his shoulders. He was speechless as he silently allowed her to lower him down to her level; hoping his eyes weren't bugging out as much as he believed they were. Being eye-level with her was a bit daunting; he'd always seemed to be looking down at her from nearly every vantage point but not this time. Had her face always been so symmetrical? They stayed like this for only a moment yet it felt like a lifetime as his eyes scanned her face; from the crown of chocolate brown hair, big blue eyes, and the softest-looking dusty pink lips he'd ever seen.

_God, she was so fuckin' beautiful..._

Raphael prepared himself for the touch of her hand; for her to wipe whatever obstruction found itself on his skin. Waiting for the brush of her hand to wipe it away yet when her hands moved, they'd cupped his massive jaw instead. Remaining that way for a drawn out moment; the only further movement was a slight tremor on her part, the warmth of her flesh causing his own to pleasantly prickle and throat to tighten. His brow ridges furrowed for a fraction of a second and he was tempted to ask what she was doing when suddenly, he found himself blinking in realization as her face was quickly closing the distance to his own. About to flinch at whatever she had planned, they all went out the window when her big blue eyes slid closed, pink pouty lips pursed before pressing delicately upon his rugged cheek, the heat from her skin ghosting over the corner of his agape mouth.

It felt as if all time had stopped the second her mouth pressed upon his face, her hands cupping his massive jaw as she did do. His eyes had to be mere pinpricks at this point as he experienced that sweet mouth so lovingly procured upon his scaly flesh. It lasted only a fraction of a second but Raphael was certain that moment would stay with him as long as he lived. As she pulled away, he didn't move even as she brushed her thumb over his scarred lip and just smiled at him in what appeared to be anticipation. He though, was far too stunned to realize it; he was so enamored with just how easily she touched his marred flesh as if it were something to be admired rather than repelling.

"There...Got it." she whispered when he didn't respond for a long moment or make a further movement.

Her breath skirted over his face in the most wonderful way; the warmth of her smile igniting his heart aflame and Raphael wasn't exactly sure how he was still standing at this point, pushing himself up to full height even if his legs felt like green jelly underneath his massive weight.

"Thanks." he muttered and he was certain she'd ever know the depths of how he felt with just that one word. "..fer gettin' that..." he continued and he prayed the nervousness didn't show through in his voice even as his pulse and heartbeat hammered frantically in his ears.

"My pleasure." she whispered and Raphael was certain she could hear how fast and loud his heart thrummed in his chest, "I'll see you Friday for sure if not sooner. Please call or text me as soon as you get back to the lair - so I know you got there okay." she continued, stepping back to give him optimum room to go through the window. Once he was outside and stepping upon the fire escape, he turned around for a moment to take her in. Her arms crossed and leaning upon the windowsill and looking at him in a way he was certain he'd never fully understand.

"Sure. Uh...S-See ya." he spoke, the winter air causing his breath to come out in puffs of white smoke.

"Bye." she replied with a slight wave.

Raphael's glance remained on her for a drawn-out moment then was gone into the night.

The frigid wind skirting over his scales as he took off back to the lair. The cold didn't bother him for he swore he'd never been warmer; heart proudly roaring in his chest and soul soaring. He had _never_ experienced anything like this before; an intense rapturous experience akin to fire igniting across every nerve-ending in his entire body. He couldn't help but let out a light chuckle as he ran the expanse of rooftops with childish ease and...giddiness?

April kissed him... **Kissed!** _..._ _ **HIM!**_

Never did he ever imagine just such a small token of affection such as a brush of her lips upon his cheek could make him feel like all was right with the world. How all doubt and anxiety stemming from the fact she'd never feel the same dissipated the very moment her mouth pressed upon his face.

The first ignition of hope alighting his heart with happiness he was certain he'd never felt before.

Not being able to help himself, he let out a loud " _whoop_ " as he jumped across a particularly far rooftop, and he felt as if he was flying. Even with his six hundred pound frame, he felt as light as air as he made his way back to the lair with the rapture of knowing perhaps he wasn't so crazy after all...

* * *

 


	11. Competition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raphael falls even further in love and he didn't even think it was possible. Also, nothing brings people closer than some friendly competition...right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm having a hard time with Raphael's personality anymore. The newest movie really changed a lot. He's more playful and talkative than he was in the 2014 version which is the one I based most of this story on so I'm trying to combine them. Still keeping Raph incredibly insecure while making him not a complete stone for most of this; it's not easy so please be patient with me while I try to figure it out and find a nice middle-ground. Blegh.
> 
> Hope you enjoy. :-)

* * *

It was a day like many others before; wasting time in what Donatello coined " _training_ ", which solely consisted Donnie throwing discus or other random objects around the lair and Raph either caught them or hit them with his fists or a weapon if need be to switch it up. It was boring and rather monotonous at times but so was lifting weights; so he assumed at least training with Donnie was good hand-eye coordination.

Michelangelo, of course, didn't agree.

The youngest turtle remaining adamant video games were just as counter-intuitive and should count toward physical training but Leo thankfully slapped him in the back of his head with Mikey proclaiming a loud, " _YEOWCH!_ "; that sound typically ended those conversations. How the eldest brother managed to break out of those painful yoga poses in the blink of an eye without pulling a muscle was beyond Raph's comprehension (shit, how he even got into them in the first place was anyone's guess).

For now, it was just a waiting game - pacing and staring at a nearby clock in trepidation; abiding their time until the sun decided to push its face below the horizon. Well, that's how it normally would go down had there not been something vastly different about today; for today was Friday and April O'Neil was coming over.

Raphael's heart involuntarily clenched at the thought; returning the soccer ball towards Donnie's awaiting hands. Red-banded terrapin's mind still in overdrive whenever the thought would trickle its way into his subconscious.

It would be a sore understatement to proclaim Raphael had been distracted as of late, recalling that night at any moment he had free time to ponder and even amiss chaos it still sprang to mind. Whether it be catching a glimpse of the new scarring of his shoulder: the one scar that would be treasured above the rest solely because April tended to it. Moreover was the indescribable instance of the beautiful reporter pulling him down to her level; smiling at him in the way that _only_ she did before her perfect, pink lips pressed upon his face.

Bestowing upon him an actual kiss; something he swore he'd die without experiencing; a lonely miserable existence without the knowledge of how simply profound it could be...

In short, it still blew his fuckin' mind.

The ever increasing need to pinch himself and make sure it was part of his reality; a night he'd never forget and of course, one that Mikey kept bugging him about to no foreseeable end.

It'd only been five days since she kissed him; well, his cheek anyway, and he'd been positively " _chipper_ " as Mikey pointed out. That was before Raph pounded him into the mat and the youngest turtle quickly changed his mind regarding his brother's demeanor. That didn't stop the charismatic Michelangelo, the nosy little shit even tried getting information from April over the phone but to Raphael's ever-increasing thankfulness, she didn't say much (at least he assumed so for if she did tell the full story, Mikey would have brought it up by now or teased the ever-loving shit out of him).

It seemed to appease his orange-banded brother for the time being and that was the important thing; for there was only so much Mikey a person could take before losing whatever remained of their sanity.

As for him, speaking with April throughout this week was rather refreshing for nothing changed.

Still spoke and text often either about their respective days or going-ons. It shocked Raphael at how easily they communicated, friendship simple and strong that made her kiss seem even more profound. Not wanting to ponder it too long in fear his brothers seeing the dopey smile inching his way up his face, he went back to straightening up the lair in preparations for April's arrival not even noticing when the ball Donnie ricocheted flew past his head. Genius brother yelling out after him when he missed the projectile without returning it but Mikey quickly took his place. Not even sensing Leo's blue eyes shooting a confused look at the back of his head.

Raphael was trying to lay low and put off how excited he was and so far he'd been successful as he went about doing "chores" just to keep them in the dark about what was really happening. At least, he believed he was...

The hard part was making it stay that way but Raphael was determined to do so.

* * *

Hours passed and for now, the lair was quiet.

Splinter went out to go gather supplies and his brothers went out to watch the Knick's playoff game at the stadium. They questioned him for a bit as to why he'd skip such a significant game and the chance to watch it live from their new hiding spot but Raphael shrugged it off and the issue was dropped. More pizza for them Raphael supposed. Brothers were gone with Mikey's voice echoing throughout the lair before fading into the distance of the tunnels. When their presence dispersed, Raphael wasn't sure how to absorb the all-encompassing silence.

Stomach in knots, Raph stole another quick glance down at the text that April had sent just moments ago.

"OMW. Need anything?" it read and his stomach flipped.

Sure, April had been to the lair quite a few times and he'd been to her place regularly; the two certainly weren't strangers to being alone but for some fuckin' reason, it felt different tonight. They made plans and an activity; if he was _completely_ out of his mind, he'd probably disillusion himself to thinking this was an actual date of some sort...

Raph swore he was gonna be sick...

"No. I'm good." he wrote back; pushing those fantastical thoughts to the back of his mind as he pressed the letters in with gigantic fingers. The last thing he needed was more fuel for the nervous fire rapidly building in his chest cavity.

"K. Be there soon. ;-)" she replied and Raph almost swallowed his tongue.

 _Damn winking emoticon..._ he grumbled internally, his stomach doing back-flips as he awaited her arrival.

Raphael felt positively stupid pacing around and even more embarrassed that he was freaking about what to say to her when she showed up. It felt so weird for as many times they spent alone and he was around her, just knowing what was about to occur always caused upset regardless.

"Be yourself, just be _yourself_ , idiot..." he grumbled as a mantra, taking deep breaths while frantically pacing the expanse of the lair for what had to be the dozenth time in the past five minutes.

Passing a mirror, Raphael surprised himself when he stopped in front of it; the red-banded terrapin was famous for avoiding mirrors like the plague but it was better he was certain there wasn't anything on his face and appeared halfway decent before the reporter arrived. Adjusting his mask slightly, he was sorely tempted to give himself a pep talk but thought better about doing so when the vibration of distant footsteps nearby tickled his ear drums.

April was almost here.

Pushing the trepidation to the back of his mind, he turned away from the mirror and immediately began panicking. Not wanting to seem like he was on pins and needles eagerly waiting for her arrival, he retrieved the basketball and dribbled lazily; praying to God he didn't appear as blatantly apprehensive as he felt.

 _Natural, natural, natural...just be yourself._...the mantra repeated internally in his mind as she grow closer; finally gathering his courage, Raphael lifted his head to greet her.

 _Oh,_ _ **fuck**_...the only logical thought that crossed his mind when golden eyes absorbed her presence; basketball held in tense hands fell to the floor and bounced away.

Raphael hadn't regarded her presence for a grand total of six days but he'd swear to the highest power that during that short time, she'd only became more beautiful; more splendid and magnificent. An illuminating glow surrounding her; whether it be her smile and eyes that appeared brighter or whether it was the adorable bounce in her step; whatever the hell it was, Raphael's nervousness came back with a vengeance as soon as she approached him.

"Hey!" April chirped, moving her bike to lean against an adjacent wall.

"Hey." he grumbled; hating how the word sounded coming out of his mouth and wanting to physically smack himself into motion, Raphael closed the distance between them. April had been dressed for work and came bearing a duffel and grocery bag he immediately began helping her remove.

"What's this?" he asked curiously, gazing into the grocery bag but was stopped when April captured it from his hands.

"No! It's supposed to be a secret! It's the prize for whoever manages _not_ to get their ass kicked tonight!" she said with a smile and breathy chuckle that caused his carapace to tingle. So distracted by how much he loved hearing her laugh, she was able to pull it away; the brown paper crinkling loudly as she cradled it against her chest.

"Hmm. So, _that's_ how you're playing it, huh?" he muttered with raised brow ridges and barely concealed smirk adorning his rough features.

_Damn, she was so beautiful..._

"Yep. But you _may_ put it in the kitchen while I get dressed." she replied with a cheeky grin, offering the bag to him which he took and nestled it in one arm.

"You mean you're not gonna take me on this those?" Raph asked, gesturing to her attire with his free hand.

"Skinny jeans and high-heeled boots? I don't think so, mister. That'll only give you another unfair advantage. I'm not gonna be playing in these unless you're wearing something similar." she laughed; giving him another brilliant smile before disappearing into an adjoining room where the bathrooms and bathing chambers were located.

Raphael's cheeks burned the instant she left before doing as she asked.

Task complete, he felt listless while waiting for her to change. Taking deep breaths to calm his frantic nerves, he began aimlessly walking around; double-checking the hoop and dribbling the ball around to make sure it had sufficient air. Careful to remove any random object throughout the area so there was no hazardous tripping material littered around; once certain there were none, his attention was grabbed when he heard her steps returning.

Amber eyes lifted and it was a miracle he didn't swallow his tongue upon seeing her. Hair in a tall ponytail showcasing those incredibly sculpted cheekbones on her heart shaped face; New York Knicks jersey hanging loosely on her frame and teeny black shorts barely visible underneath her top. Black and white basketball shoes he wasn't even aware she had in her wardrobe adorned her feet. Raph swallowed thickly when he met her eyes and realized he'd been probably oogling her like some demented creeper.

"So, ready to get your ass kicked?" April asked with dainty hands planted firmly on flared hips and Raph couldn't help but grin at her words.

"Ya should look in da mirror and ask yerself that." he replied and his smile only widened when she gave him an adorably angry pout.

_This is what he was used to._

The natural ease in which he felt when around her was something he held onto a lifeline at this point to hopefully avoid embarrassing himself in her presence.

"Oh, you are **ON**!" April announced, grabbing the ball off the ground and began dribbling it.

"Bring it." Raph grumbled in response and full agreement. Giving her a wicked smile as she made the first move.

Raphael was thoroughly surprised by how fast she was; never noticing that trait before because her high-heels usually impeded her speed. Feet light and fast as she moved around him before he even realized what happened. Raph couldn't help but smirk as he moved to block her, stunned into silence when she threw the ball and it landed into the hoop with a resounding _swoosh_. Eyebrow ridges raised, he looked down at her and she gave him a haughty smirk.

"Like I said earlier, are you prepared for an ass kicking?" she teased.

"Hmph. So _that's_ how's gonna be." Raph chuckled, not even giving her time to blink as he jumped, swooping the ball from the ground and into the hoop in a single move; turning to her with a smug smirk before the ball even managed to touch the ground.

"You're **so** gonna get it..." she laughed as she ran toward the discarded basketball.

Within moments, they were both moving.

Raphael careful to avoid hurting her with his massive frame and quick movements. As much as this was an awesome time to show off his ninjitsu skills, he didn't necessarily want to show her up; giving her optimum time to succeed at making a few baskets. He wasn't about to go easy on her though; making sure to meet her point for point as the game progressed.

Time flew as they went back and forth, sweat lining April's forehead as she dodged him for the tenth time that night, moving underneath his blocking arm and she was about to make the winning basket and he was gonna let her until a awesomely despicable thought arose in his mind.

With little hesitation, he moved.

Using his ninja stealth and speed to block the basketball with a massive hand. While it was bouncing away, April moved to grab it; once back in her hands, she turned toward the basket and was met with a wall of muscle - Raphael.

Blue eyes staring defiantly into his own and bottom lip clenched between white teeth, she faked him out; pretending to move left while in actuality, her sneakers squeaked upon moving right instead. The distraction proved futile as Raphael's massive reach didn't miss and before she knew it, his arm was around her middle as she tried to pull behind him.

April squealed as he grabbed her waist, lifting; turning her toward him and into his chest all while she couldn't stop the laughter to leak from between her plump lips. In her grasp the ball still remained; arms lifted high and it perched precariously in her hands.

" **No fair**! You _cheater_! You can't pick up your opponent!" she screamed and gasped fruitlessly, escaped laughter echoing loudly throughout the lair.

"Says who?" he teased.

"The official playbook!" she squealed, still giggling as she fruitlessly tried to wiggle loose from his arms.

"Heh. This ain't an official game, sweetheart." he muttered and his smile fell when the last word fell from his lips. Face burning and heart stopping cold in his chest; he stared at April to see her reaction but her bright smile never faltered.

"Fine. I still call shenanigans though." she replied, bonking him lightly on the head with the ball which earned her another toothy smile.

Raphael purposefully moved toward the basket to April's shock. Her eyes bored into his in curiosity as to why he would do such a thing but that thought left fled the instant she was close enough to make a basket. Both didn't make a move for a long while as she looked at him. It wasn't until a long minute later when during the preempted stillness, April flung her arms back. The basketball entered through the metal loop and net with a resounding _**swish**_.

"I win." April said smugly; hands resting upon his massive shoulders.

It was apparent Raphael set up the shot but she didn't care. For him to be willing to lose was something she never would have expected of the competitive, hot-headed terrapin.

"Guess ya did...Good job." he replied with a soft smirk and lazy shrug. The rising of his shoulders causing her to experience first-hand every single muscle and tendon in his impressive, thickly-muscled shoulders.

"So...you don't mind that you lost?" she asked after a long pause; dainty fingers tracing his collarbones absentmindedly.

"...not to you." he whispered, the words coming forth without his usual filter. The first milliseconds they passed his lips, he began panicking but it faded as he watched in wonder as April's face flushed and her cheeks gained the most brilliant rosy hue at his words. The smile that followed made his heart plummet and ache in a way it never had before.

Silence enveloped the space and Raphael found himself struggling to breath.

_God, he loved her so much..._

April continued smiling at him, hands never ceasing their gentle touch upon his shoulders and upper-chest. Raphael was certain nothing had ever felt more powerful than this. Being with her; smelling the slight sweat from her neck and her racing heart upon the palm of his hand where they rested upon her shoulder-blades. The touch of her hands and languid breaths brushing over his cheeks was akin to a paradise he had no business being a part of.

The terrapin watched with bated breath as her heavily-lidded eyes flicked over his face and down to his mouth. He swore his heart stopped as her eyes lifted back to his and he had no idea what to think and found himself struggling to breath at the indication of what her look might have meant.

_This couldn't be happening..._

"Raph, I..." April spoke suddenly, voice low and raspy as she spoke. Raphael was hanging on each and every syllable that left her mouth but before she could speak further, an all too familiar voice broke him from April's enchanting reverie.

"ANGELCAKES, I'LL SAVE YOU!"

* * *

 


	12. Disclosure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group receives rather bleak news...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, guys. This chapter is kinda where spoilers for the new movie start. They're not big or anything but they're important for where this story is headed and it won't make much sense if you haven't seen the movie yet. All you need to know is during the movie, the police find about the turtles and they begin helping them and working together. That's all. Enjoy, y'all. Xoxo

* * *

Mikey- _fuckin'-_ angelo came out of _nowhere_ ; interrupting any and all of April's intended words by screaming and sprinting through the lair like a bat outta hell.

If Raphael still wasn't holding onto April he would haven't even blinked before he mercilessly pounded Mikey into the cement until the youngest brother remained nothing but a green pancake adorning the floor. Yet that didn't happen for within seconds, Mikey was there and April was no longer in his arms. The orange-banded brother had stolen her from his slack grasp (he'd never handle April any harder than a light touch so it was no surprise he was able to).

April squealed loudly at the youngest turtle's sudden affection and Raphael was about to go wail on his baby brother after retrieving the young reporter back when the brunette started hitting Mikey viciously on top of his hard dome.

"MIKEY! **Stop it!** That _**tickles**_!" she screamed but you could easily hear the laughter escaping with the demanding words but it apparent she was more angry than happy about her predicament.

"Sorry, Angelcakes! I was just savin' the beauty from the atrocious beast..." he huffed after placing her back on the ground; the charismatic terrapin dramatically swooning and causing the rest of his brothers to give him an eye roll.

Raphael inwardly growled; wanting to beat that flirtatious smirk of Mikey's ugly mug but April's words broke him from his reverie of violent daydreams.

"I'm perfectly _fine_ defending myself, thank you!" April reprimanded the orange-banded turtle with her hands planted firmly on flared hips.

"But, Angelcakes..." Mikey mumbled and Raphael's violent thoughts returned with a vengeance until Leo's sudden interruption.

"Uh...What exactly were you guys doing anyway?" Leo asked gesturing to April's getup and Raphael's more than awkward stance. The leader's fierce blue eyes never gravitated from his red-banded brother and Raphael was sorely tempted to smack that knowing and blatantly disciplinary look of Fearless's stupid face. Why did he _ever_ think April and him spending time together here was a good idea?

"Me and Raph were just playing some basketball." April replied much more calmly than he ever could as she retrieved the orange ball near her feet. "...and I won." she continued, playfully pushing her pointy elbow into Raph's side.

Raphael chuckled nervously as all three sets of his brother's eyes suddenly turned to him.

The looks of shock that fell over his brother's faces were comical; eyes gravitated back to April before resting again on him; their stares filled with far too many accusations and questions he could ever hope to appease or answer. Face involuntarily grew dark burgundy at the indication April was indeed telling the truth and his brothers were now realizing it.

"Uh..." Raphael tried speaking but was beat to the punch.

"You beat **RAPH**!? Aw, _shit_! Now, it's **ON** , April!" Mikey suddenly yelled; immediately sprinting for the ball and Raphael had never been happier to been interrupted in his entire life.

"Not now, Mikey!" Leo admonished in a strict voice; blue eyes now on the youngest brother.

"Aw! Why _**not**_!?" Mikey groaned dramatically giving April optimum time to steal it back with little resistance.

"We have patrol, remember? We only came to the lair to retrieve Raphael. Now, we're leaving!" Leo demanded; not falling for Mikey's puppy-dog gaze.

"Aw, man..." the youngest sighed dejectedly when his distraction didn't work.

Leo moved toward the entrance and the abnormally quiet Donatello followed.

Mikey sent an apologetic look back at April, but her eyes were locked on those of the strongest turtle.

Raphael gave her a helpless shrug in what he hoped she knew was an apology for all of this. Reluctantly, he broke their gaze and was full on ready to follow after Leonardo when the brunette suddenly spoke up.

"Wait." April interrupted their journey, "Can you guys spare a half-an hour more? Please?"

"Why would we do that?" Leo asked, sounding a bit more rude than probably intended, and Raphael was sorely temped to smack him upside the head.

"I brought something that I thought perhaps we could all share; you know, since I won it fair and square." April chuckled, sure to give Raphael a quick wink, the action had him swallowing back a sudden lump clogging his airway.

"I don't know, April. We really should get going" Leo muttered and Raphael sent him a deadly glare that would have anyone other than Leonardo shitting their pants. The leader sent him a contemplative look; no doubt recalling their tense conversation a week prior.

" _You're only hurting yourself, you know..."_

Leo's words were still haunting his thoughts and he hated it. The doubts began creeping back in and there was no doubt in Raphael's mind that before long, they'd be back with reinforcements.

"Fine. Half an hour, and half an hour _only_." Leo responded with a long drawn-out sigh and to say Raphael was surprised at the decision would be a egregious understatement.

"Great! Come on, guys!" April announced; wasting no time in entering their kitchen. All the turtles followed, Raphael included, much like a moth to the tempting flame. Reluctantly accepting the fact that he'd follow her anywhere; even to the ends of the earth if she ever asked.

Raph followed behind his brothers. Mikey right by April's side hoping to get first glance of whatever lay inside. Donnie, an inquisitive look always plastered on his face and Leo, per usual, looked as if he was still quietly nursing a tent-pole shoved up his ass. Raphael's eyes gravitated back toward the brunette in barely concealed excitement as April opened the paper sack. Whatever he believed would be inside, this sure as hell wasn't it.

It was a cake. Well, a cake of some sort yet it was flat, white, and no copious amounts of unnaturally neon color frosting (that always stained the mouth and tongue) adorning the top. A slight sense of disappointment flooded him for he was not a fan of sweets by any means; preferring protein and pizza to chocolate and candy. Disappointment dissipated when April continued digging into the bag, removing a small Tupperware permeated with the wondrous scent of strawberries.

_That he could do._

"Surprise! It's a cheesecake!" April announced happily to the four turtles upon lifting the lid off the cake.

Staring back at her was one very excited Michelangelo and three gazes of confusion or indifference.

"That looks awesome, Angelcakes! I don't think I've ever had that before." the orange-banded turtle praised with an unwavering smile.

"Really? You guys never had one?"

"I don't believe so." Donnie spoke for the first time this evening. "It looks...intriguing."

"It's delicious! Come on, guys. It's New York cheesecake! You live here for God's sakes! It's like a necessity." April laughed; ignoring the confused glances as she retrieved a knife from a drawer and began cutting thick slices and placing them on their chipped porcelain plates.

Raphael smiled as she placed one in front of him; not wanting to deter her token of kindness for his own personal tastes. She returned his smile and began piling the strawberries and their juice upon each of their slices before digging into their own.

The turtles (excluding Mikey) were a bit reluctant at first, but they soon were surprised by just how good it was. Before long, they were all enjoying themselves.

* * *

"Wow, that was AMAZING, Angelcakes!" Mikey groaned happily, a hand on his stomach and eyeing the remaining graham cracker crumbs left in the tin.

"Yes, it is rather delicious. You say your friend owns a bakery?" Leo asked politely, recalling April's tale on where she got it.

"Yeah, she's my assistant. It's her family's bakery and since I've been showing her the ropes and getting her some connections in the industry this was her thanks. It's well worth it don't you think?" April laughed.

"Holy shit, I think this is better than Poptarts..." Donnie muttered for the first time tonight after the last bite entered his mouth.

"Dontcha just mean the frosting?" Raph grumbled with a disgusted look on his face from his brother's nasty habit he still hadn't rectified.

What Raphael didn't expect was for April to start laughing hysterically from beside him and Donnie just shot him a nasty look but hell, it was worth it if he could make her laugh like that.

All too soon, her magical laugh dissipated when her eyes landed on Donnie; who flinched slightly at the truthful accusation.

"Is something wrong, Donnie? You've been awfully quiet tonight." April asked and Raphael was surprised he didn't notice. He supposed he was far too busy trying not to look like a total idiot to take notice of his genius brother's odd behavior.

When April asked, Leo and Mikey as well went quiet. Raph was a bit taken back by their reaction and the instant tension that built in the once happier atmosphere.

"What's goin' on?" Raph growled when Donnie didn't immediately answer.

Donnie shot a glance to Leonardo as if to ask for guidance and permission.

Leonardo met it for a moment before his eyes landed upon his confused red-banded brother and the pretty reporter sitting by his side. "April deserves to know as well. Go ahead, Donnie." Leo granted and the genius took a deep breath before speaking.

"Um, well, during the game, we received some news from the department telling us of another prison break."

"WHAT!?" Raph bellowed, head swimming especially considering what happened last time.

"Who is it?" April followed up; blue eyes wide and frantic.

"It's not Shredder; we haven't seen him since his last prison break," Donnie said to April and Raphael's relief, "but the police never found him either. Whatever happened to him perhaps had to do with that trans-dimensional system we've seen him and Baxter Stockman use before. The individuals that escaped were Karai and a few Foot Clan, the highest trained ones, mind you. W-We're not exactly sure how they did it for the video taken during the time was bugged out and didn't record what took place. All the guards found out was they went missing about two o'clock this morning and there was a tunnel they escaped from. That's all they told us." Donnie explained and the group grew silent.

"The worst part is, we can't get a track on them." Leo interceded.

"Yeah, uh, I tapped into a lot of their old hideouts and main database systems they used prior but it's to no use. The encoded systems are usually so easy to get into but I haven't been able to crack these new codes yet for they refresh and change every half-hour. It's odd. I've never seen a system designed that way and I don't like trying to hack into those because the last thing we need if for them to get into our systems. I'm still working on it though." the genius admitted, pushing his glasses farther up his snout.

"That sounds dangerous. Have you talked to the police and our connections there? Can they do anything?"

"April, if I can't do it, what makes a few hackers at the police station able to?"

"No, what I meant is perhaps to interrogate the other Foot Clan members still in jail? Maybe if they threaten them enough, they'll squeal and give up some information."

"Not likely." Raphael spoke up; voice low and disturbed.

April's eyes turned to him in confusion.

"It's the code of the ninja." Leo stated and April's gaze went to the turtle in blue, "It's greater respect to rather commit suicide than give up any information about your clan or family. They wouldn't."

The red-banded terrapin didn't miss the wince that occurred on her face at the news. Her eyes gravitating back to her plate as the rest of them got lost in their heads. A distinct silence that overtook the room that was soon broken by April's voice.

"I'm sure you guys will figure it out. More information and such. I'll keep my end up at the news station; listening in to see if I could gather more information."

"Good idea." Donnie weighed in.

"Okay. Um, well, it's close enough to half an hour. I'll go change and you guys can head out, okay?" April replied almost nervously as she jumped off the kitchen stool.

"Goodnight, guys!" she continued, a genuine smile lifting up the corners of her mouth.

"Sounds good. Have a pleasant evening, April." Leo responded, standing to his feet and cleaning up as the brunette disappeared back into the bathroom chambers with her duffel bag.

"Night, Angelcakes!" Mikey shouted after her.

"Goodnight!" Donnie did the same.

Raph stayed completely silent and reluctantly watched her go.

"Alright, let's head out, team." Leo continued once the dishes were in the sink.

Mikey and Donnie replied to their leader with a terse nod.

The three turtles were quick to began heading out. Yet, Raphael had yet to budge from his spot; the recent and rather upsetting news that more Foot Clan whack-jobs were out there in the streets was pulling oddly at his gut. Suddenly, he had a sense of dread and trepidation at the indication of April going home alone.

"Raph, what's the hold-up?" Leo asked near the enterance.

"I'll meet ya guys there. I'm gonna walk her home." he stated much to Leo's surprise.

Raphael was more than willing to incur Leonardo's wrath for this. He just hoped to God Leo wasn't stupid enough to think it was safe for April to go home alone especially after this news... It made him sick that she arrived on her own - had he known ahead of time...

"Alright." Leo responded with a terse nod and it appeared even the leader was shocked himself at the answer he gave but it was too late now. "Hurry up, Raph. Patrol is more necessary than ever right now."

"Yeah, no shit, Einstein." Raph grumbled.

"Seriously, Raph. No dawdling. We'll meet you near the Empire State Building."

" **What!?** Why can't I walk her home!?" Mikey moaned dramatically with arms waving to express his distress after Leonardo, who wasted no time heading toward the entrance.

"Cause you take too damn long talkin', numbnuts." Raph growled in response.

Mikey just shot him back a dirty look while Leo gave him a glare that was obviously a warning to hurry up, and Donnie sent a quick wave before his three brothers disappeared from sight.

* * *

April reemerged in her normal outfit and jacket moments later; obviously surprised to see Raphael there.

"What's happening? Why aren't you going with the guys?" she asked, gesturing toward the entrance of the lair.

"I'm takin' ya home. Come on."

A stern look appeared on her face the second he told her that and Raphael couldn't say he was surprised. She'd always been damn stubborn and independent...just like him...

"As I told Mikey earlier, I'm perfectly fine by mys-" she began arguing.

"I know." he interrupted, making her go silent. "Just... _humor me.._ _._ "

The anger dissipated in seconds followed by a look of quiet contemplation as she stared into his eyes. It surprised him how easily he read the connotations and their previous meeting of how he allowed her to patch him up and hoping she'd do the same. Doing something either normally wouldn't allow otherwise.

"Okay..." she replied with a slight nod, the reluctance evident in her light sigh but her acceptance of his offer made him incredibly grateful.

Not wasting any more time, he pulled her bike onto his shoulder and left for the exit where April closely followed him out.

* * *

 


	13. Intertwine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raphael walks April home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for being SO patient with me not updating this past month. I just had to finish Abyss and now that it's done, I can finally focus more on this story. YAY!
> 
> Thanks again for all your kind reviews, faves, follows, watches, and kudos! They all give me life! T_T
> 
> Also, thanks so much for 100 KUDOS!!!!! My first story on here that's reached that! Can't thank you all enough for your support! :-D

* * *

Arising from the sewers, Raphael and April were careful to gravitate toward darker alleyways and less populated areas of town to continue their journey to her apartment.

A chilly winter night with light flecks of snow drifting toward earth like falling autumn leaves. Their radiance in the minimal light showcased by the glittery effect they had while descending; bathing the night in a rich blue hue as they continued toward Earth.

Something so simple as a snowfall seemed so ridiculously profound to Raphael; accentuating only that he was in April's presence. Her beauty and majesty putting the snowflakes to shame; their intricate designs melting as they touched her skin and landed in her hair; their sacrifice only making her more radiant in their glow and how they adorned her magnificent beauty...

"Dammit, I really wanted to ride my bike to work tomorrow - ugh, if it keeps this up all night, I'll have to take the subway." April groaned into the fur of her jacket as she stared up at the snowflakes. The sound of her grumbling voice breaking him from his reverie and onto the present situation. The reality of the cold nipping at their respective skin and disgusting smell reeking from the dumpsters they passed in the dank alleys.

Raphael swallowed thickly as he took in the glittery flakes as they made their new home in her hair, glistening brightly in the few lights in the alleyways they passed. He'd never thought he'd be jealous of snow of all things... April was just so utterly stunning he had to remind himself constantly not to make a complete idiot of himself by staring like a demented creeper. He was actually quite glad she spoke for he wasn't sure how long he'd been staring unabashedly at the brunette.

"That sucks." Raphael spoke in fear she'd notice his awkwardness.

"You're telling me. Ever since getting grabbed by the Foot Clan, I always get weirded out going down in the subways..." she sighed, brushing away some snow from the lapel of her jacket; the quick swipe of her dainty hand catching his eye in the minimal light. "I know, I should be over it by now, but when someone's pointing a gun at your face, you can't help but remember that." she continued, chuckling to bring a lighter tone to this conversation, but it was far too late for Raphael.

A familiar anger and resentment held toward the Foot Clan erupted in Raphael's gut. He recalled those terse moments of that hostage situation and how April, as well as the other innocent citizens he swore to protect, were held at gunpoint by those heartless thugs. How if they were just a moment later, they could have killed her and for some reason, that had him swallowing back bile in this throat.

How this beautiful woman had changed their lives...his especially... and if the Foot Clan's initial plan went through, he never would have met her. She would have died before she ever left to find them on that rooftop. Just another pretty face showcased in the normal showcased fatalities on the news...how different his life would have been had he never met her. She'd changed _everything_ for him; made him feel things he never would have experienced otherwise...The thought of anyone ever hurting April made him absolutely sick; swearing he'd never let that happen...

If April realized he'd gotten quiet and brooding, she didn't speak up about it. Ignored how his free hand by his side clenched into an impenetrable fist and slightly shook as they continued walking.

Growing quiet herself; the soft clacking of her boots on the cement, blood-curdling screams and laughter of the crowds of people just blocks or an alley away. The engines of cars, shrills of sirens of police, fire trucks, and ambulances all fading into the distance like how the snow would melt on their warm skin.

Another typical winter night in New York City.

As they turned a corner, Raphael was somewhat brought out of his thoughts. Stealing a quick glance at April, he was berating himself inside for he should be fuckin' enjoying this moment. Any second in her presence should have been treasured and he already wasted so much of it lost in his own head. It was several long minutes later and he still hadn't spoke; the quiet atmosphere and no hopes of saying anything clever to re-spark their conversation, Raphael's thoughts recaptured the rest of his senses. Recalling Donnie's news of the prison break and all the hell it would certainly bring with it. Karai had quite an ax to grind; not only did they almost kill and lock Shredder up in the first place, she most likely blamed them for his disappearance just months ago. Knowing that crazy bitch was out and about only meant bad news; so fearful, especially for April...

Tonight, he had to be ready for anything and while he hated being on edge, especially in front of her, it was necessary.

It fuckin' freaked him out that so many of Shredder's men escaped even if Shredder hadn't been seen since the whole Kraang incident. He supposed he should be thankful that at least Shredder, for now, was AWOL and they didn't have to worry about that over-sized tin can destroying more of New York. It still bothered him momentously knowing that Karai knew April for April was technically the one that got her caught in the first place. As proud as Raphael was of her for it, it put a target on her back and Raphael didn't like it one bit...

Karai seemed like the kind who'd hold a grudge.

"Thanks, Raph." April spoke suddenly, breaking the silence leaking through the cold winter air. While he told himself to step up and be the one to speak, he was still grateful she had done so.

"Hrn? Fer what?" he asked genuinely confused as to why she'd thank him for anything.

"You know, walking me home and by letting me win the game."

"Heh. I didn't give you a choice on walking ya home, and about the game, ya won fair and square." he chuckled, adjusting the bike petal digging in his shoulder before nervously brushing his elbow to teasingly bump her arm.

"Damn straight!" she laughed, eagerly nudging him back as they continued their journey.

"Thanks for lettin' me have some cheesecake even if ya kicked my ass." he chuckled lowly, not noticing how she shivered slightly at the sound of his deep raspy voice...and the fact it wasn't from the cold air...

"You're welcome." she replied, kicking lightly at a stray pebble. "...Raphael...?"

"Yeah?"

"...what do you think Karai could be planning?" she asked and it was the one question Raphael did _not_ want to answer.

While he doubted April was worried at all, none of this sat right with him; his stomach was in knots and mind cloudy. Just the fact her and some Clan were out and could be anywhere...none of it felt good.

"I dunno. Whatever it is, it sure ain't charity work."

"Yeah, but it just doesn't make sense; how could they get out? I thought all their allies were gone."

"That fuckin' Baxter Stockman is still out there. Wouldn't surprise me if he had somethin' to do with it."

"Oh, God, I hope not. That creep is too damn intelligent for his own good. Baxter could cause more damage than you'd ever think. I mean, we're talking nukes and mutagen to make other mutants other than Rocksteady and Bebop. Not to mention the Kraang tech I believe he still has in his possession. It's just so damn terrifying." she said and it was the first iota of fear he'd recalled April ever showing. As much as he wanted to put an arm around her, he never could get the nerve and doubted she'd want comfort - this was the feisty April O'Neil after all.

"Dudes a total follower though. He's more of a minion, he ain't followin' his own orders, he's waitin' for someone else to give them to him. As smart as that bastard is, he needs someone to lead him."

"Karai..."

"Yeah... I don't know, April. Who knows what the hell they're planning. Dammit! I-It's just all goin' to shit..." he grumbled lowly, hating how such a beautiful night had to end by talking about their enemies of all people. So much for their " _date_ ".

"I don't think so." she interjected. "You guys beat them all once, you can do it again. Regardless of what they're planning."

The way she said it was so **certain**.

April's belief in them...in him. It profoundly astounded him just how much faith this girl had in them; it made him more determined not to let her down. Never in his wildest dreams did he think anyone would put much trust in them; not the city who still didn't know of their existence other than the NYPD and a few others. Yet, this girl turned a blind eye to all his mistakes, misgivings, and horribly brash nature; she trusted them and believed in them when no one else did.

Sparing a glance at her, he was surprised to see her looking up at him. The radiance of her blue eyes filtered through the blackness surrounding them; the light etching in those orbs making his stomach knot up for a completely different reason than before.

Swallowing back the lump that lodged itself in his throat, he was certain to give her lopsided smirk and the smile lighting up her face to return it was fucking worth it. Worth all of the shit they'd been in and would be in for God knows how long - probably til his last breath, but she would _always_ be worth it.

"Nice to know someone thinks so." he chuckled.

"Of course, Raph. You guys proved it more than enough times already. You've saved this city and it's people for years; if anyone can do it; it'd be you." she said and for some reason or by some trick of the light, he felt as if she was speaking only about him.

Raphael put it off to his wild imagination.

"At least _now_ I got yer vote of confidence." he said, lightly brushing his elbow on her shoulder referring to the first days after they met when she still sounded so unsure before they went to face Shredder.

"...you've always had it." she reassured with a bright smile.

After walking silently for one more block, the two glanced toward a familiar building and Raphael's stomach dropped a bit when he realized it was her apartment.

That walk ended _way_ too damn soon...

Raphael stole another glance down at her and April appeared to not be in a hurry to go in.

"Well, we're here..." he mumbled, hoping the disappointment wasn't too obvious in his raspy voice.

"Yeah..." she said, a bit awkward as she adjusted the duffel bag on her shoulder. "Thanks."

Raphael nodded in reply and realized what may have been causing her such delay.

"Oh. Here." he spoke, removing her bike from his shoulder.

"Thank you." she replied but still didn't move to hold onto it.

A sense of trepidation at him leaving her with so much stuff to carry had a spark of bravery come over him. Knowing it may be his only chance to speak, the terrapin was certain not to waste it.

"Hate ta see ya pushing a bike up the stairs so didja want me to carry yer stuff up the fire escape?" he offered and April's curious blue eyes met his again.

"Really? I-I don't want to bother you."

Fuck, did she sound nervous?

"'S no trouble. Come on." he said, putting the bike back upon his shoulder before offering his arm. Instead of handing him the duffel bag like he expected, April approached him, small hands grasping at his arm to anchor herself on his shoulder.

Crazily enough, he let her, lowering himself to even give her enough leverage - much to shocked to even register what was happening until it was already too late. Without even thinking about it, his other hand moved, grasping her firmly across her waist to push her up his body further where she draped her arms around his neck and held on tight.

"I'm good. Go ahead." she said with a reassuring smile at his questioning gaze; not knowing it was confusion at her actions rather than needing reassurance before he voyaged up the fire escape.

Not wanting to seem deterred, Raphael moved, needing something physical to keep his mind off the fact April was touching him, her fingernails pushing lightly into the thick skin on the back of his neck. The tingly sensation of her hands on him had his face flush and swallow thickly at a lump that clogged his throat.

Masterful ninjitsu skills at work, he completed the climb with relative ease; a feat of its own considering he only had one free hand to do so. The bike and her slight weight were of little hindrance and within moments, he had climbed up to her twelfth floor apartment. The slight creak of the fire escape under his massive weight a welcome and familiar sound as he moved to placed the bike down first.

Raphael was careful with April, his arm loosening a bit around her waist in order to give her enough leverage to jump over the railing and onto the metal platform.

Once she was safely placed down, she turned to and smiled at him; face lighting up even in the dim light.

Without even realizing what he was doing, he moved, free hand lightly brushing her silky brown hair away from her face; flakes of alabaster snow drifting and fluttering away from his warm touch. He pulled back, slightly horrified at how quickly he'd moved but with the smile she bestowed upon him, it was obvious she didn't mind in the least. The terrapin's nerves were slightly quelled and he returned the smile, full on ready to bid adieu when this time, she moved.

April's lithe arms wrapped around his neck; burying her nose to press into his throbbing pulse point. At first, it was understandable and familiar; she'd hugged him on many occasions before but what shocked him the most was when even after a long drawn out moment, she hadn't let go.

Quizzically he stared down at her. The reporter pulled away enough for her eyes to scan over his face; a look of quiet contemplation and worry etched into those cornflower blue eyes.

"April?" he asked and was stunned into silence when her arms tightened and her face again disappeared; pressed firmly into his throat. Her short green-painted nails dug, clinging almost desperately into his shoulder and nape; the sensation of it causing an involuntary shutter to run through his entire carapace.

It lasted only a moment but it did allow him enough time to partially return it once the shock of what was actually happening quickly wore off. Sorely tempted to ask what that was for but April beat him to the punch when she suddenly spoke.

"Raphael...I..." she began and he swore his heart stopped in his chest at the look appearing in her eyes. "I..." she sighed, biting her lip as she appeared to be searching for the words to say. It didn't happen for all too soon, her face fell a bit before her arms wrapped over him again; hugging him tight to her when she finally spoke, "P-Please be careful tonight."

"Heh... Where's my vote of confidence?" he asked, slightly teasing her in order not to let on just how her words affected him.

"I believe in you, Raph, I just...I don't want you to get hurt..." she whispered into his skin and Raphael couldn't help it - he melted into her. One of his arms that wasn't holding him up wrapping around her tiny waist and resting on her warm back.

"I'll be careful." he replied, knowing how strange it sounded considering just how reckless he could be but fully accepting never being able to deny her any request.

"...promise?" she asked, concern lacing her voice and it warmed him in a way a raging fire in winter never could.

"Heh...Yeah, I promise..." he spoke; his breath lightly fluttering her loose hair.

April didn't speak when she finally pulled away; eyes never leaving his even as her hands retreated back to the railing. Her eyes were silently searching his own; anticipation for something Raphael could never hope to understand lacing them. It grew silent, the apprehension viable between them but before either could speak or do anything about it, his phone began buzzing. Upon checking the device, Raphael met April's eyes and gave her a helpless shrug and chuckle.

"Sorry. Duty calls." he informed her and while her smile never faltered at his words, it wasn't as genuine as it had been just moments before.

"Okay." she responded with the barest hints of a shrug as the words trailed softly from between her lips.

_Damn, was she disappointed?_

Raphael stared at her for only a moment, the imprints of her warmth still echoing on his skin where she'd touched him. He swore he'd always feel it...

"G'night." he spoke, words trailing like a slow, gentle snowfall onto the Earth.

"Night." she replied with a smile, one of her hands trailing on his own before in a blink of an eye, he was gone.

* * *

 


	14. Addicted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raphael accepts there's no way out of this obsession...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Raphael has it bad....as if that hasn't already been established.

* * *

Patrol was normal...too normal in fact.

A couple teenage thugs flashing their guns to meek passersby, women selling their services to Johns on street corners in order to feed their drug habit, armed robberies, shots fired between cars, dealers offering dope to naive kids without stable homes, an attempted rape and murder - ya know, the usual. What they were used to seeing/dealing with on New York streets in the dead of night even while helplessly trapped in the harsh throws of winter.

For once, Raphael was kinda thankful for it.

It sure as hell beat combating the Kraang or fighting the Shredder and his small army of Foot Soldiers all while they needlessly put hundreds of thousands of innocent lives at risk.

Yeah, it was dirty, mind-numbing, mundane, and he could do without drunk and/or drugged-up women shrieking at him when they happened to catch a glimpse of his rugged mug in the shadows, but all in all, it was doable. A service to continually keep the innocent people of New York City safe at night; his duty, honor, and promise he intended to keep until he finished drawing his last breath.

As much as Fearless wanted to believe Raph didn't care and just liked the beating-up and fighting aspect of patrol, Leo couldn't be more wrong.

Raphael got actual satisfaction from helping people escape muggers, hard-working store owners from robbers, saving stumbling drunk women leaving nightclubs from would-be rapists, and most times, young kids from making mistakes that would cost them a lifetime behind bars.

Knowing he was helping these people - possibly and most notably - saving their lives.

It was that simple fact that had him coming back every night. As selfish as he may have wanted to seem to his brothers, he was the exact opposite; putting himself in needless danger to save people that probably didn't deserve it. Yet, he felt for them; knew all too well the temptations they were facing; a drug, a high, a possibility to leave their mundane life for only a moment.

Raphael knew that feeling all too well...

Raph had the daring desire just to be **normal** ; _accepted_. Be like fuckin' everyone else. Yet, he was dealt a different hand. The sense of normalcy to the outside world would never be obtained, but Raphael was slowly learning to deal with it. While he could never walk around in broad daylight or even go to the store to even buy a single bag a chips without inciting a riot, he had his own calling.

Protecting this city - a city he loved even if it didn't love him back or even care to know he existed.

If you told him two years ago he'd be okay with where he was at right now in his life, he most likely would have broken your jaw with a well-aimed fist. Back then, he was so angry, bitter, wanting to leave and do things on his own agenda, to satisfy his own selfish needs and wants... But today...he was pretty okay with where he was in his life. In those two years, something drastic had changed inside of him and he supposed there was only one person to thank...

The same one that had constantly been running rampant though his mind the whole night as he made his rounds -

_**April**_.

The first human to accept them; genuinely care about them...about _**him**_.

It still blew his mind how throughout all the hell they literally dumped into her life, she wanted to be a part of theirs. A secluded, rather disgusting existence living in pitch black, dank sewers where they built their home, but she didn't care.

Stopping atop a random rooftop to catch his breath, Raphael was suddenly brought back to just hours ago. The sensation of her arms draped over his shoulders; dainty, beautiful face pressing into his pulse point as her hands lovingly caressed the back of his skull.

_Never_ did he imagine in his wildest dreams that _anyone_ would ever handle him in such a way...

Raphael was used to punches, kicks, gunshots, knife wounds, and white-hot explosions with painful shrapnel hitting his body; molten metal digging between the groves of scales to get embedded deep in his thick reptilian skin. The incredible amount of injuries; blood he shed, and cuts upon him that turned into disgusting scars; the markings of which detailed a lot of his green canvas; from jagged, rugged, and bumpy to straight and hardly noticeable.

The only thing certain was that they were numerous but he paid it no heed; for he was used to injury, blood, bruises, and pain; a discipline instilled into his very being by his master.

Splinter always warning them to stay in shadows. If seen, they would only attract people who would want to hurt him. These enemies handling weapons that could destroy them. Certain ones to watch out for because of poison darts or barbs that would tear flesh from the inside out when pulled. Warned multiple times to always protect your neck, head, and certain parts of your chest for one wrong move meant instant death even with their thick leathery hide.

Yet through all their lives and many of Splinter's teachings, there was one thing he never spoke about - affection.

Never bothered to explain how to handle it when your chest hurts because you care about someone so much that it fuckin' pains you. How to not flinch when a pretty girl reaches out to touch you; afraid she'll hurt you even if she doesn't know it. How to handle being gently touched, hugged, or kissed when you've experienced basically none of it in your existence. The guidelines into how to pull away when you know she'll end up breaking your heart but somehow accepting she'd be worth all the pain. What to do when she finally chooses someone else; how to stop yourself from jumping in front of a train or throwing yourself off a bridge because of the sheer agony of her almost guaranteed rejection...

In the end, he supposed Splinter had other priorities and lack of experience in that department anyway.

A sudden pain echoing in his chest had him stop those latter thoughts. His own demented fears of those very real possibilities he wanted nothing to do with right now. Instead, he focused on what just occurred only hours ago...how the reporter pulled him to her; grasped and held on to him tighter than she ever had before. Raphael was still desperately tying to come to terms with her most recent affection; still learning to accept the increase of it as well. As much as it should be reassuring him that perhaps he wasn't completely insane in his love for her, it just brought in other doubts.

Raph began noticing it was mostly one-sided.

April would readily reach out to touch or hug him and he was always so reluctant to return it. The last thing he wanted was have her second-guess herself. Because, _damn_ , did he want it... It was staring to get to the point he began wishing he could be as open as Mikey. To return her hugs and relish in any and all affection that woman gave him instead of keeping his walls up and pushing her away in fear of getting hurt.

Inwardly, Raphael wanted to embrace her; hold her, tell her so many things he kept inside in fear from sounding unbelievably desperate or making a total fool of himself in case she didn't feel the same.

A part of him hated it; hated how April made him feel.

Raphael's entire life was keeping people (including his brothers at times) out; pushing them aside to avoid pain and heartbreak. Putting on a gruff attitude and exterior to combat a lifetime of rejection he was guaranteed to experience. It was easier that way; easier to push away then allow in. For the second you allowed them, they were liable to do a hell of a lot more damage upon leaving; ripping your heart and soul out as they went to leave nothing but an empty husk and crater in their wake.

Yet against his better judgment honed from a lifetime of rejection - Raphael let her in.

This beautiful woman; crystal blue eyes, brunette mane, heart-shaped face, kind smile, and gorgeous physique, not to mention the fierce personality to boot. April O'Neil was unafraid of showcasing open affection for him and his brothers who had no idea how to handle it at first. Allowing them into her world that they had no business being a part of.

April cared about them without fail, protecting them from any who would hurt or harm them without giving a shit about what others thought of her. It was what drew him to her; her loyalty. Raphael learned to look beyond that pretty face; a human who they were warned about their entire life. Within just days, she'd earned his trust which proceeded to open a whole can of worms he never intended to experience.

Overcome with the sensation of wanting her; _needing_ to be with her; a strange, albeit it, bitchy little thing that wheedled its way into his shell and mind; refusing to leave him alone. Baser instincts ignored as he grew to know her, cherish every moment spent in her presence. He knew it was stupid, ridiculous notion to feel anything for her since she was beyond his grasp in nearly every aspect of the word. April embodied everything the world tells you is beautiful while he was made for shadows; the sunlight never being a close friend of his. The shadows hid his monstrous form from all who would be appalled with it; which sadly, was the majority of the world.

It wasn't only physical. April was kind, loving, warm, a fire hidden inside her heart where she showcased her true personality. A stubborn, hard-headed fierce woman who knew who she was and didn't care what people may think about her.

Basically, everything he's not.

Raphael envied her ability to let words slide off her shoulders. It shocked him to hear anyone would rebuke what April had to say; confounded when she told him people always thought she was a bit strange; weird and were put off by her strong-minded, independent personality.

It was one thing they perhaps had in common. Both strong, resilient, and learned to go with the tide; roll with the punches and deal with life one step at a time.

All too soon, he finally began accepting it. Came to terms with his feelings and emotions toward April; knowing he now was no better than those drug addicts. Searching for that next high; that drug that made them feel better about their situations and place in this world. Yet, as incredible as that high was, it was doing far greater damage that wouldn't be seen until retrospect. Something that could possibly destroy them; even kill them in the end.

That's who April was for him.

Raphael's drug of choice. A moment in her presence calming him and bringing him unbridled pleasure he rarely experienced. He accepted that's what it was. He needed her and kept growing closer and more addicted to her every day.. The single glance to glimpse her smile; her touch on his skin, her voice. Everything about her was all en-compassing euphoria for the love-drugged terrapin...

Yet, Raph inwardly knew it was only a matter of time til it ended up destroying his life but for now, he could care less...

* * *

Raphael allowed a breath to leave his lips; a soft puff of white escaping his mouth and disintegrating in the gray winter air.

The winter this year was harsh but he grew to ignore it as he began moving again. It was a few hours til dawn and Raphael lost count of how many times he'd ran by April's place to make sure everything was alright. For awhile, he felt completely insane and overzealous, and downright overprotective, but he couldn't help himself. Needing to be close to her; make sure she was unharmed. Yet unlike the many other nights he spend patrolling around her apartment, this night, he at least had an excuse. The news of Karai and a few Foot Clan free, there was no taking chances.

So, he stayed vigilant.

"Hey, Raph, ya comin'? We're headed back to the lair." Leo's garbled voice came in over the walkie-talkie attached to his left shoulder strap.

Raphael had been hearing his brother's voices off-and-on throughout the night. Mostly the droning voices of Donnie and Leo giving their situations and criminal activity around town while Mikey was prone to say just whatever the hell he was thinkin' about, crappy jokes, or very unfunny comments about a hot girl he seen. Raph, on his end, stayed relatively quiet like usual but hearing Fearless call him out left no choice than to respond.

"I'll be there soon enough, Fearless." he growled back.

Without a usually salty response from his older brother, Raphael continued to his destination.

The streets somewhat quiet for some time, he kept his eyes peeled for anything out of the ordinary. Stalking dead streets and dank alleyways for any hint of Foot Clan activity. He'd been sorely tempted to ask a few local Purple Dragon thugs if they'd heard or seen them, but it would be a snowy day in hell before they'd answer him truthfully.

Letting go of the thought, he continued his trek through the cold night and within moments, he found himself yet again, at April's apartment.

Quiet as night, he made his way down her fire escape, stopping at her window to make sure there was no signs of things out of place or a struggle. A bit of relief filling his chest as he looked inside and saw nothing of the sort. The light from the stove blinking into the black apartment; duffel bag on the kitchen table with her bike leaned up against it.

_Just how he left her..._

Raphael wished he could see her to make sure, but inwardly knew he was being ridiculous.

April was fine for if they did break in and try to take her, she would have put up one hell of a fight; alerted her neighbors, destroyed half of her apartment, gave a few black eyes, and kicked many of the guys in the crotch before they'd be able to drag her out; literally kicking and screaming.

Raphael still felt a bit of trepidation toward that thought for as feisty as she was, the Foot was no joke; they took what they want regardless and failure wasn't an option.

A shaky breath left his mouth at the thought; anxiety toward her safety taking permanent residence in his gut, he took another glance into the dark space of her apartment. Deep breath fogging up the window before he steadily and climbed back up to the roof.

Once there, he wasn't exactly eager to head back to the lair; his nerves jittery and particularly bad mood staking residence in his gut, he instead sat down on the building across hers; amber eyes remaining steadfast on her apartment.

The snow drifting down, further cooling his skin but he ignored it; knowing it wasn't the smartest idea for a reptile to stay in this cold air but rather, he didn't care. Making sure April was safe was far more important than his own comfort.

So as the day turned to night, he silently kept watch over her apartment...fully accepting that he was completely addicted but not finding in himself to care even if it did end up killing him in the end.

* * *

 


	15. Ignorance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raphael just wants to get to sleep but Leonardo isn't going to make it easy on him...also, some telling insight into Raphael's past.

* * *

The first thing that registered to Raphael was the prickling of warmth; a ghostly trail of heat that slid along his nerves and skin. The almost instinctual realization of the rising sun steadily making its way toward the horizon.

All Raphael knew was he needed to get out of there.

With a final glance toward April's slightly fogged and frosted kitchen window, he reluctantly began heading back down to the sewers. A slightly disappointed inkling in his chest when he never got to see her before he had to retreat back to the dungeon underground. A dark place that was his home; far from the sun he cherished and even farther from the woman he was hopelessly in love with.

Raphael desperately wanted to stay and make for certain she was alright, but the upcoming sun would not be having it. He had no choice than to move in fear of an early riser seeing him in the pre-dawn hours.

The manhole cover secured over his head, he dropped down into the damp sewers below; the instant invasion of the putrid smell invading his nostrils and leaving his stomach turning wildly. The retched sewer stank was an odor you never really got used to. Forced to tolerate throughout a lifetime was now only made itself worse after spending the entire night in the fresh air above.

For now, Raphael had little choice than to ignore it.

Swallowing a thick lump of bile rising in his throat, Raphael pushed back his stiff shoulders until he heard a satisfying pop. The same was done with his neck before he felt comfortable enough to continue to the lair further below the ground.

Raphael walked slowly toward his destination all while silently scraping off the remainder of frost and snow sticking to his green skin, armor, mask, and clothes if only to give him something to do.

The silence was daunting and the slow route he took didn't leave him feeling all too eager to run either. So, he entertained himself by removing the last visage of evidence of where he'd been since patrol ended for the last thing he wanted right now was another pep talk from Splinter or Leo. The two loving to warn him about the cold night and the fact he was a reptile; how hypothermia worked and how easily he could succumb to certain death if he wasn't careful.

Raph had heard enough of their scare tactics to last three lifetimes...

Truth is, he'd grown slightly tolerant to the cold over the years. Living in New York, you hardly had a choice, so Raphael learned to hone his body and muscles to the point they were sufficiently keeping him warm. Always certain to keep moving even if it was pacing along rooftops, anything to keep blood circulating and mind sharp so he wouldn't fall asleep. That sleep that beckoned; a sudden warmth filtering through your body, drawing you to its inky black depths. It was a sleep you never woke from and he knew the signals; knew how to avoid it and thankfully, never had to experience it. Frankly, never planned to.

Of course, Leo or Splinter didn't care to hear it; only discipline him for doing something so brazenly disobedient and outright dangerous... Wouldn't be the first fucking time...

Raphael shook his head at the sudden onslaught of bad memories; absolutely hating the nauseating taste that appeared in his mouth. Leo's constant berating of his actions and finding it endlessly amusing to lecture him for things that didn't matter in the long run.

Singled out for many a lesson Splinter wanted to teach...

Raph supposed it was the main instigator that caused his eagerness to flee his family during his younger teenage years...

It was always something that caused his eldest brother and father to speak to him differently than they would Mikey or Donnie. Raphael was disciplined more, punished often, and lectured at any chance they got. Turning into the butt of a joke at times, a "how not to do things" poster-child if you will.

Splinter - Raphael could understand somewhat where he was coming from. Their kind rat father raised them when he could have left but he took the responsibility of four boys. Feeding, caring, sheltering, and ultimately teaching them the skills necessary to protect this city.

Ol' Fearless was a different story entirely.

There was still a rancid bitterness towards his eldest brother after all these years. Leo's role as leader still leaving a bad taste in his mouth for it only made his blue-banded brother more of a nuisance to live with; to try and open up to. That's when the walls started building up. The ease of their childhood and happily learning ninjitsu and playing games was swiftly stolen from them.

Instead, they were forced to play a part in their family all while still working as one unit and everyone except him seem to have a part.

Leo. The Leader; what he said went and they were supposed to follow his instructions without rebuke or questioning.

Donnie. The genius who could do anything, create anything out of virtually nothing, fix stuff Raph usually broke, and just make life easier for them all in the sewer.

Mikey. The lovable goofball who was in main control of the kitchen and having an inane ability to make the mood light even in their worst of times...

_...and then there was him..._

Raph. The muscle. Only useful when someone needed to lift or move something heavy and to beat the ever-lovin' shit out of their enemies. There wasn't necessarily a title he was happy with: his brother's coined ones over the years varied from Muscle, Beast, Tank, Asshole, Bruiser, Protein-Packed Junkie, Scar-Face, Hothead...all of their dreaded names he hated with a white-hot passion.

So in retaliation, Raphael made his own - he became the Rebel.

Doing things his own way, going against orders if only for the possibility to get Leo's frilly blue panties in a tight bunch. Leaving the group to do his own patrol; messing with violent gang members, acquiring many new injuries that turned to bumpy scars, and sneaking out on his own for days on end. Not at all realizing he was worrying his brothers and father to near hysteria every time he did so for all he came back to were the angered voices of Splinter an Leo. Donnie just standing a bit awkwardly nearby giving him a shaky thumbs-up. The only person seeming to really care was Mikey, who'd face him with a huge wobbling lower lip before tackling him to the floor in a lung-crushing bear hug.

The affection he was certain to spur, pushing Mikey away and only making his own situation worse.

As Leo continued to rant, Splinter would slap his tail hard across the floor; the chills of that ship-snapping sound still echoing across his carapace. These were the moments Raphael wondered if he should have come home at all. His need to branch out and showcase his vast independence falling to the wayside when his stomach would ache without food or good water for those days he left. Baser survival needs had to be met in the end and he reluctantly came home with his tail between his legs and numerous bloody injuries covering his aching, tired body.

Splinter was always firm but fair in his punishments. Allowing Raphael to get cleaned up and eat one good meal before being sent to the Hashi. This happened on numerous occasions over the years and even though he denied the possibility, every single time, something would always bring him back. Fragile strength during those days alone showcased that even if nothing was perfect at home and he would always be something of a black sheep; in the end, it was the only place he truly belonged...even if he never believed anyone but Mikey would truly miss him if he was gone...

* * *

Raph's steps were silent as he made his way into the darkened lair.

No discernible lights to be seen aside from the flashing computer monitors where he took in the familiar shape of his genius brother sprawled fast asleep on his desk. Raphael shook his head at the sight wondering now why Donnie was typically hunched over all the time; sleeping that way was guaranteed to give you back problems and bad posture.

The thoughts of Donnie suddenly dimmed away when the sensation of a nearby presence to his left caught his attention.

"There you are." Leo spoke from his seat on the couch.

"The fuck ya doin' out here, Fearless? Forget how to use the fuckin' remote?" Raphael quipped, jumping a bit at his voice. For whatever fuckin' reason Leo had been in the dark; sitting upon the couch the entire time, Raphael wasn't sure.

"No. I just happened to be waiting for you to get back."

"Don't act like you fuckin' care now, Fearless." Raph growled lowly.

"What took you so long?" Leo didn't even miss a beat.

"I was doin' my job patrollin'. Ya know, like you fuckin' told me to!" Neither did Raph.

"Oh really? Where?"

"What the fuckin' hell does it matter? I'm goin' ta bed." Raph chided his smart-ass brother, full on ready to muscle his way by him if only for the chance to ruffle his scales.

"It _matters_ , Raphael, because you really can't possibly understand how much trouble your little "patrols" could make for you."

Raphael froze mid-step.

Turning his worn heels to again face his brother with a deadly glint in his eye. A pep talk was the last thing Raphael could possibly want right now - _especially_ one from Mr. Perfect.

"Da fuck ya talkin' about?" Raph growled, throat clenching with the harsh tone he used.

"I know you were at April's place."

If Raphael was at all surprised at Leo's words, he showed little emotion to indicate otherwise.

His silence was enough of an answer for Leo.

"You know how dangerous the Foot and especially Karai is. If you keep going to April's apartment and they're following you, it won't be that difficult for them to discern where she lives and make their attack when you leave." Leo explained, hoping his voice was calm enough to keep the red-banded terrapin the same.

"Ain't no one followin' me. I would've fuckin' noticed! Believe it or not, I ain't as fuckin' stupid as you think." Raph grumbled, turning around to proceed to his room when Leo's voice stopped him yet again.

"Wouldn't be the first time you were wrong..."

Within seconds, Raphael had made it in front of him; one hand grasping the edge of his brother's shell to keep him in place; the other a clenched fist ready and itching to cave in his older brother's face.

"Care to say that again?" Raph spat, giving his shorter brother a harsh glare and showcasing his sharp canines.

"I _said_ , it wouldn't be the first time you were wrong, **Raphael**." Leonardo spoke loud and clear. His face close enough for Raphael to smell the strong sent of black tea and honey off his breath. "Now, go ahead and hit me for being right." the leader finished with a slight up-tilt of the corner of his lips.

_...and there it was..._

That little fuckin' wise-ass smirk Leo always did that wormed its way into Raphael's shell and had him relentlessly itching at it without any hope of relief. His older brother always having this sick advantage over him in this aspect of being so damn condescending and lost in his own delusion that he was never in the wrong..

_God, how Raph_ _**hated** _ _it..._

Tonight, Raphael was not letting it slide. Scarred lip pursed and lifting to reveal rough teeth and he was more than ready to start the merciless beat-down on Leonardo when a sudden voice stopped him.

"A-Artillery mechanics c-c-combined with geometric equations in order to figure out precise _trajectory_ in your m-muscle memory is by far, the **only** way to win at sports!" Donnie slurred loudly, sitting up for a moment as if suddenly electrocuted.

Raphael and Leonardo jumped apart, their attention on their genius brother. Sudden relief filling both of them when the genius turtle went limp and started snoring lightly from his spot on the desk. After it was certain he was only talking in his sleep, Leonardo relented his hold on Raphael's arm. A hold Raph wasn't even aware was made.

"Just go to sleep, Raph. We'll finish this discussion in the morning." Leonardo grumbled, rubbing his tired blue eyes as he backed away from the largest turtle.

"I'll fuckin' go to sleep but we're _done_ talkin', **Leo**." Raphael responded, roughly and needlessly shoving his way past his eldest brother and back toward the bedrooms.

* * *

Leonardo stared after him as Raphael closed the door behind him; much quieter than the eldest anticipated he would. A quell of regret burrowing its way into his plastron as his red-banded brother's image disappeared into the blackness of their bedroom and behind the wooden door.

As much as Raphael denied it, Leo didn't take pleasure in disciplining him; didn't enjoy seeing him squirm in his shell; trying to excuse his reckless, brash behavior like he'd been doing most of his life.

In fact, it was this very reason Leonardo said anything at all.

All Leo wanted was Raphael to be safe; to come home at night in one piece. The Leader too often times found himself on edge when Raphael would stray off without a word or in a huff; questioning if he'd run off like he used to a few years back. A part of him wondering if the next time he did, if Raph would just never come home. Sure, it'd been years since the last incident but it was a constant fear that still remained in the back of his mind.

Since those days, he feared for his hotheaded brother. It hurt to see all the wounds Raph would come home with but even if Raph wasn't exactly as brash and irresponsible as he used to be, there was a new threat sure to do just as much if not more damage. This threat wasn't exactly a physical issue, but more emotional... For try as he might to hide it, Raphael was obviously infatuated with their Hogasha and it seemed as if there was no force on Heaven or Earth that would stop him from recklessly pursuing her.

Leo desperately wanted to tell him to stop; to pull away while he still had a chance, but seeing the change in Raph over these last two years couldn't be argued with. Raphael was happy. Happier than he'd ever been before. Sure, it may be under a deranged delusion of grandeur but if it was what Raphael wanted, a part of him respected that...

Yet, the more logical side saw what it was doing and he doubted anyone knew exactly how far this went. Doubted either fathomed how deep Raphael was in or April by how much of a powerful hold she had over him. This massive terrapin wrapped around her dainty pinky finger. His brother who had claimed to be completely independent; never needed anyone to survive; desperate to be on his own now was hopelessly lost chasing this woman. This beautiful, kind woman who against all odds accepted them as family. While her intentions may have been pure, Leo was still unsure if she really knew what it was going to his brother...

They say ignorance is bliss...but Leo feared that once reality hit, his brother wouldn't be so lucky.

Yes, he saw how they were together. He wasn't blind after all. While a strange sight to see how subdued Raphael was with her; inexplicably gentle in her presence. Quiet, attentive, and hopelessly enamored. It was as if she could do no wrong in his eyes and Leo was so fearful of what this may turn into. So afraid that if April broke his heart, even if unintentional, there would be telling of the devastating aftermath left behind of the tatters of his brother's very soul...

That's why Leo strove to try and keep Raphael grounded. Remind them of what their roles were. To protect this city and hopefully, he'd be able to protect Raphael from the almost guaranteed rejection she would bestow. Because as positive as the change was in his brother, it didn't change who they were on the outside. Regardless of what Raphael may want to believe, they were mutant turtles forced to live underground whereas April belonged above it. A place they didn't; for a beautiful woman like her would never go for them.

That simply wasn't their reality and Leo was never one for fairytales...

Yet, as Leo looked at the closed door where Raph disappeared into, he hoped in the first time in his life that maybe, just maybe, he would be proven wrong.

* * *

 


	16. Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raphael has always dealt with horrific nightmares...this may perhaps be the worst...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Another chapter in only a week? I'm really churning this story out and I hope you'll be pleased to know that I'm planning to get it done (probably around 30 total chapters) hopefully around Christmas if it all works out as planned. Thanks for sticking it out with me! :-)
> 
> Also, be forewarned, this chapter is a bit graphic violence and injury wise, so just take that into consideration while reading.

* * *

The door firmly shut behind him, Raphael silently took a few moments to calm his breathing before approaching his bed. Feet dragging along the worn wooden flooring on the way to his destination, he silently stewed over his and Leo's previous "discussion".

Anger familiar and boiling in his gut as he recalled his older brother's words and accusations. Treating him as if he was a disobedient child still learning the ways of the world. Chastising him for worrying about one of their only human friends; the first human who accepted them and even protected them when they were still un-mutated. This was their precious Hogasha who saved them from a fiery death. If Leo should have been upset with him, it should have been for not making 100% sure she was safe before leaving that morning.

Instead, this so called "Leader" preferred to throw a hissy fit and inciting that Raphael was downright disobedient when he seemed to be the only one taking this news of Karai and the Foot Clan escape seriously! Raph was going his part by making damn sure April remained safe and secure regardless what Fearless thought or said.

For just who the _fuck_ did Leo think he was?!

The very recollection of Leonardo's haughty, smart-ass smirk produced a sudden desire to angrily fling off his sais to embed into the wood of Leo's bed until it remained a pile of jagged splinters. Yet as soon as his hands neared their holsters, he was quelled the second he heard Mikey shift in bed, smack his lips loudly, than proceeded to snore.

Hands trembling with his signature weapons ready in his grasp, he forcefully loosened his fist and reluctantly perched his signature weapons onto their respective hooks above the nightstand. Taking more deep soothing breaths while quietly removing his equipment and clothing until he was in nothing but red boxers and mask. Anger quelled for a moment, he climbed into bed, the protest of the springs loud and obnoxious before becoming silent under his still weight.

Raphael was uncertain of how long he just laid there lost in thought; staring up at the ceiling and replaying Leo's words but soon he began dwelling to more pleasant things to put his heart and mind at enough ease to hopefully fall asleep.

Nothing did that like the thought of April.

A profound tightness wormed it's way into his chest at the sudden vision of her in his head. The sight of her beautiful face in his mind's eye. The transitions and proceedings of what had occurred between her and him these past couple weeks. A perceivable shift in their relationship it seemed. They'd always been close but lately, there seemed to be something else rising up. April sought him out more; touched him, hugged him, and even kissed his scarred face. Her sudden physical affection was not as strange as it was surprising; Raphael was still trying to figure it out; grasp this new reality he found himself in as well as wrap his mind around it.

A slight smile tickling his mouth, he allowed his eyes to close. Doubts that would normally creep in were reluctant to bother him tonight. Instead, Raphael focused on the positive, desperate to keep those thoughts away and grasp desperately to her affections, her smile, and the hope that maybe this close relationship and what it was growing into wasn't all in his delusional mind.

Sufficiently relaxed, his heart slowed and breath grew languid and deep until his world went black...

* * *

The dream always started out this way...

Raphael was alone; standing solo atop Sack's building. Amber eyes focusing on the behemoth metal-armored man standing by the edge.

_**Shredder.** _

The over sized tin-can hell-bent on destroying the world; but this time, Raph was faced with taking him down without any assistance.

No sign or inkling of his brothers there to back him up. No Donnie to halt the virus from spreading to the city or Leo to hold up the falling, crumbling spire; not even Mikey to ask if they wanted to play buck-buck in an unconventional, if effective way, of taking him down.

Yet, Raphael had no choice. This was his only chance to stop Shredder; one chance to end him before he had the chance to kill any innocent people of this city. A city that he desperately loved and was sworn to protect.

Facing down the glinting metal man, there was no doubting that he was still a bit apprehensive. The reasoning wasn't fear, but pain and doubt. The massive terrapin already had taken so much damage; a severely cracked carapace, sprained shoulder, multiple bloody lacerations and dark, sensitive bruises covering much of his leathery hide, and _damn_ , he was so fuckin' exhausted of it all. Breaths thick and harsh in a way that it made his entire lungs _burn_. There was still determination; a fight in him to end this even if it ended up killing him.

If that was the only way to take Shredder down once and for all - _so be it_.

Confidence wedged in his gut, Raph braced himself. The words from Sensei fresh in his mind as he guided his body to optimally face his enemy. Shoulders squared, knees locked, fists firm around his sais, toes digging into the textured roof and he was full on ready to sprint toward Shredder. Body itching to make the first move when suddenly a voice rang out.

A bright, feminine voice that had quickly become so visceral and familiar to him -

" **SHREDDER!** "

_...April..._

A sudden jolt at her voice and her presence; standing exactly how she did two years ago.

Holding that container of bright green ooze and threatening the looming Shredder with her thin, 125 lb. frame. Dark brunette air whipping frantically in the wind; blue eyes showcasing the fire in her heart as she stared down Shredder. Stance strong, unfaltering even with the deadly glint of steel eyes directed straight at her. The sheer tenacity in this woman completely astonished him.

"You want it, right?! Well, this is all that's left!" April screamed, her voice strong even amiss the powerful winds atop the buildings. She stood unwavering in his presence; waving the canister of ooze at him as you would tempting an excited dog with a chew toy.

April was so unafraid and undaunted in Shredder's presence. Bravery leeching through her very being as she faced down this monstrosity of man and metal without any indication of fear or even the slightest hint of hesitation.

Raphael's heart accelerated further in his chest as he took her in.

A sensation of relief at the very sight of her; the calming effect she had over him was short lived for while he was completely enthralled with her presence - Shredder wasn't.

" _Little girl!_ " the garbled voice of Shredder rang out and Raphael was completely caught off guard when the hunk of metal suddenly sprinted at top speed toward the reporter.

Raph was frozen in time as Shredder took off toward the edge of the building and it wasn't until April's shrill yell broke out when he finally realized what had happened. Amber eyes widened in complete and utter horror when Shredder tackled her, careening both of them off the edge of the skyscraper and toward the city streets hundreds of feet below.

" **APRIL!** " Raphael bellowed into the sky; feet instantly scuttering to follow. Body aching with each step as he outright flung himself off the building's roof without little thought to his own life and the fact that this time, there was no brothers around to catch him.

As he shot toward April's falling and flailing body, he heard Sack's tower crumbling and falling behind him. The scream of the steel building; how it moaned and cracked with the pressure before lurching toward the ground were sounds invading his clouded mind. All he knew was he needed to catch her; _needed_ to save her from certain death.

The wind whipping wildly across his face and through the tattered tails of his mask; Raphael bared his teeth and pushed himself forward. If as just to will himself closer to her; glad his heavy weight was quickly closing the distance between himself and her taut frame.

Although falling, April glanced up to him, her arm toward him and small dainty hand opening as if waiting for him to grasp it. Raphael lowered his arm as far as he could, fingers desperate to close around her wrist and pull her to him. He didn't care if he hit the ground as long as he brought her to him and broke her fall with his body. No thought to his own life as long as he could save hers...the woman he desperately loved... Raphael gasped, his fingers brushing hers and the hope that filled April's eyes melted him; she smiled.

The relief that filled his chest didn't last long...

The breath was ripped from him as he was suddenly jerked back; Shredder brutally ripping back on his shell until his skin connecting it slightly tore and pulling the flailing terrapin to one of the falling spires above.

No words or noises could be uttered as he watched April getting farther from him. The panic and fear that didn't belong plagued her wide eyes as the ground grew closer. She screamed for him; his name a desperate wail as she flailed as if begging for him to catch her; but he couldn't move...

" **NOOOOOO!** " Raphael bellowed; the sensation of it leaving causing every single muscle to clench with the projection of his voice. Fruitlessly, he tried to move; to catch her but found himself completely paralyzed. Couldn't even muster up the strength to close his eyes when he saw something that immediately took his breath away.

Stunned into complete silence as he was forced to witness the horrifying sight of April hitting the pavement with a bone-tingling _crack_. Fragile human body thrashing wildly with the harsh impact before she went completely still.

Raphael stared breathless at her; willing her to move, to get up...but she didn't. Wide cornflower blue eyes still open yet there was no life; no fire, no light shining through... **nothing**. She appeared as nothing more than a shattered china doll laying there; arms splayed and legs slightly apart; staring up, not at him, but into nothingness. Immediately denying what he was seeing; telling himself this couldn't be happening.

April **had** to be okay.

Slowly, a halo of dark crimson erupted from her crown of brown hair. The sight of the blood expanding to surround her body was in vast stark contrast to her mustard yellow jacket and the increasing paleness of her skin.

Raphael howled in despair.

Eyes blurring and body convulsing as he stared down at her. _April_. His April... The only human who accepted, cared, and treated him more kindly than anyone ever had. She was far more than their Hogasha; she was his best friend and _dammit_ , he loved her so much... Yet, he had just let her die and he had to watch it happen.

April trusted him; believed in him wholeheartedly to catch her...and he _**failed**_ her...

"No... _No..._ **NO!** " he bellowed, voice trembling under sheer stress; vocal chords screaming and heart palpitating in sheer agony in his heaving chest. Closing his eyes, tears leaked down his sodden face as he screamed in utter despair into the clouds above.

"Don't worry. You'll join her soon enough..." the reappearance of the deranged voice belonging to Shredder whispered into his ear.

Raphael's chest seized when the claws that had been holding him back this whole time ripped out from his skin. Tissue and muscle pulling apart as Shredder retracted his metal hands from his hide. Raph screamed at the sudden physical pain that was nothing compared to the emotional turmoil he was in. The terrapin screamed for he could do nothing else; anger fading and accepting of his well-deserved fate as Shredder dropped him.

Amber eyes watched as the pavement grew closer; April's soulless eyes staring him in the face as he collided with the ground.

* * *

Raphael flew up from bed the second his dream body smashed to the unforgiving concrete.

Shaking uncontrollably; Raphael leaped from the mattress; wild thrashing inadvertently tossing the heavy covers off his body in the process. Chest quivering with fear and lungs burning with shaky breaths, he quickly sat up and took in the sight of his bedroom. The anxiety and stress still viable as he absorbed his familiar surroundings and tried desperately to calm his frantic heartbeat and hyperventilated breathing.

"Fuck, fuck...just a fuckin' nightmare..." he whispered into his hands; wiping frantically at his sodden face and was shocked into silence upon the feeling of multiple tears he brushed away.

Silently, he pulled his hands from his face and stared at them as they trembled in his lap.

Raphael had plenty of nightmares before, but this by far had to be the worst. Never had a nightmare ended like that... Raph closed his eyes hoping for some relief from a sudden headache didn't have its desired effect for the very instant he closed his eyes, he saw it again - Perfect, beautiful April surrounded by a halo of expanding blood; lifeless blue eyes staring up at him seemingly asking why didn't he save her?

Raphael was almost breathless as he desperately tried to quell the nausea that overtook his senses. Fear overtook him; amber eyes burned with tears as he tried to abolish the thoughts and visions of that horrific nightmare. Mind in torrential agony when a sudden ping brought his attention to his phone set on his nightstand; the screen lighting up for a second before growing dark again.

Desperate to see anything but his mind's eyes conjuring, he grabbed it.

Pushing the action button with his massive fingers and it brought to life the home screen. The message of a new text acknowledged with much too bright lettering. Raph swiped a digit over the screen and his heart skipped the instant he saw it...

"Morning, Raph! U sleep ok?" that bright text from April read in the pitch-black room.

Breath still choppy and painful, he read it over and over again just to make sure this wasn't his imagination. Wanting to be confident in this assumption, he socked himself in the thigh and the sudden pain accompanying it told him all he needed to know and it couldn't help but allow the relief to pour into his chest. Alleviation he only experienced a handful of times in his life overwhelmed him. Shoulders sinking as he absorbed this reality; this fuckin' beautiful reality.

April was okay and that was **all** that mattered.

"yeah. u at work?" he texted a lie back after five failed attempts to try and quell the shaking in his hands to hit the right letters.

"On my lunch break. At 10 am... 5 am shifts suck ass :-p"

Raph smirked at the use of strange emotes but the sudden calm of normality had him responding to her much easier.

"i bet"

"Hope I didn't wake you." her consideration had his stomach flutter.

"its alright"

"Sorry, Raph. :-/ Keep forgetting how late u have patrol."

"its ok"

"No it's not. Let me make it up to u next weekend."

"dont worry about it" he tried to quell her worry about waking him. Little did she know how thankful he was for it right now.

"I'll bring pizza and a new release movie ;-)." she responded with a damn winking emoticon and he couldn't help but allow a chuckle to escape. April always knew how to get through to him.

"alright. sounds good, o'neil"

"See you Saturday. Get back to sleep. Ttyl." she wrote and the texts went silent.

A few moments of re-reading their exchange and a couple deep calming breaths quelled him enough to lay back down. His dream was still fresh in his mind but after their back and forth texts, it was slowly fading away into the deep recesses of his subconscious.

Before long, a calm embraced him back to close his eyes and try to fall back asleep. One thing was certain; while his nightmares may never truly stop haunting him, as long as April was there in one form another when he awoke, he was certain he could deal with it.

* * *

 


	17. Acquired

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raph and April bicker over food choices - trust me, it's a lot cuter than it sounds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After yet another deleted scene was shown where April referred to Raphael as "Raphie", there wasn't any force keeping me from writing about it here. Hope you enjoy reading this chapter as much as I did writing it. :-)

* * *

It'd been an interesting turn of events around the lair to say the least.

Instead of goofing off in the day and patrolling by night, the turtles were quite frantic. Pacing around the lair, stressed, and downright panicking at times. Absolutely terrified the Foot Clan may strike at any time and the turtles were not too keen on letting their guard down, so there was rarely much down time anymore. Even the normally calm Splinter had been rather twitchy and short of temper...it freaked all of them out.

Yet, the past week since learning of their escape, the crime rate had been downright slow even for this time of year. A comforting thought only made them more desperate to try and figure out exactly what the hell the Foot were planning.

None had been more on edge than Raphael.

The largest turtle had made it his personal mission to keep April safe; monitoring her comings and goings to and from work and her house; even following her back and forth to the grocery store and whatnot. Raphael knew April would most likely blow a gasket if she found out what he was doing but what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her, right?

According to Raphael, all that mattered was that she was safe... Since waking from that particularly horrifying nightmare nearly a week ago, Raph was more desperate than ever to keep her secure and _dammit_ , if it wasn't doing everything to make sure she stayed that way...

That didn't stop Leonardo from giving him that smug knowing look whenever he'd take off in the middle of the day or come home at the break of dawn. No matter what Raph did, Leonardo seemed the first to know about it. The leader didn't scold as he did the first night, instead it was all about subtlety; making his presence known and silently letting Raph know he was watching.

Raphael despised it.

Completely and utterly _loathed_ what Leonardo was trying to do. For even if ol' Fearless thought he was a complete idiot and didn't notice the constant hovering; Leo was sadly mistaken. Simmering anger reaching its breaking point along with the stress that had been on him all week; Raphael was set to burst under the pressure.

* * *

It was a rude Saturday morning wake-up call none of the turtles or their rat father were in any mood to deal with.

After an entire week of waiting on pins and needles for the Foot Clan's latest diabolical plan, a sudden explosion of bursting water pipes one early morning brought the lair into deeper unrest. A quick look at the security cameras were a sigh of relief upon inspection, for they indeed weren't under attack. A particularly bad blizzard was the culprit. The electricity shutting off moments later was just damn bad luck. Once Donnie worked to get the generator up and running to fix the lights, he mapped out the problems and set about quick solution. Under his careful consideration, the team split up. Splinter cleaning and repairing the water leaks occurring in the lair while the turtles wet out to fix the electricity and water problems.

Raphael followed Donnie around like a hawk because there was no way in hell he was going to be stuck alone with Lame-o-nardo for any length of time. He really didn't trust himself not to wring the Leader's neck considering there wouldn't be witnesses present...

As for his youngest brother, he could do without his annoying anecdotes for whatever remained of his life...so there really was only one choice left.

"Oh. Raph. Did _you_ want to help me fix the electric?" Donnie asked while adjusting his glasses up his snout and turning his attention to his looming older brother.

"If ya don't mind." Raphael replied gruffly; adjusting his straps over his chest if only for something to do.

"Sure. Could use the help."

Without another word shared, he disappeared up one of the ladders to head to a more elevated sewer line.

Raphael silently followed along after him. Inwardly grateful his genius brother was fairly quiet and fixing electrical problems was the kind of thing Raph was somewhat capable of so he didn't feel completely worthless in this aspect.

Little did he know how long exactly this would take. As Raph and Donnie approached the influx and vast array of wiring providing their electrical hook-up in the lair, it was obvious what was happening.

"Damn rats..." Donnie muttered under his breath as he placed down his small toolbox; the metal making a distinct 'clunk' on the damp cement.

"Fuck." Raphael shared the sentiment upon staring at the wiring. Nicks, tears, obvious bites littered the brightly colored wires; sparks littering from some torn wiring. Amber eyes straying from the sight, he saw multiple holes the rats had chewed through the wall to even get in here in the first place. The largest turtle let out a frustrated sigh as he approached their entrance.

"Good eyes, Raph." Donnie said appearing behind him. Hands on his thin hips, he looked at the hole than back at the wiring. "Those must have been some big ass rats to get through there." he continually muttered as he got closer for better inspection, "Considering the damage they caused, it appears there's no choice but to replace all these wires. While I head back to gather more supplies, would you mind filling in that hole and reinforcing it?"

"Yeah. Sure. Knock yerself out." Raph grumbled as he stood to his feet and cracked his knuckles and neck in anticipation for a long ass day.

A stiff nod from the Donnie later, the two went about working throughout the afternoon; Raph eventually shutting off his walkie-talkie to get some damned peace and quiet once Mikey began blabbering nonsense on his end about one thing or another.

Donnie seemed greatly appeased when he did so.

"If you're wondering why I don't wear one of those, that's your answer." Donnie chuckled lightly without taking his eyes off his work.

Raph just smirked at the familiar sentiment as he stepped back to glance at the work they did. It took all fuckin' day but he supposed it was worth it. They'd closed off all possible entryways and reinforced some of the rat holes with concrete leaving little to no chance they'd invade again.

Donatello hypothesized the latest storm was the rat's reasoning behind escaping this deep into the sub-sewer. Supposed while digging into this room to get away from the cold, the brightly saturated wiring must have looked edible enough for them to snack on; thus hence their faulty wiring issues.

None of that really made no sense to Raph.

It seemed downright weird for as harsh as this winter has been, there'd been prior years far worse and they'd never had rodents messing up their electricity let alone chewing through walls... Besides, if they chewed that deep into the wiring, they would have surely got electrocuted yet there was not a charred rat body to be found...

None of this seemed right...

The thought harshly interrupted when his phone began vibrating in his pocket.

Raph groaned; ready to berate Mikey for bothering him again when his heart rate spiked upon seeing who it was from.

"Where u at?"

It was April and near hysteria kicked in upon realizing what day and time it was.

"Aw, _fuck_!" he growled under his breath.

"What was that, Raph?" Donnie asked. The genius propped up underneath a bundle of wiring and was meticulous as he was repairing the little nicks and tears in them.

"April was comin' over at 6. Just forgot I guess." Raph grumbled as casually as possible as to not make Donnie suspicious yet was inwardly panicking at how he was going to get out of this one. He couldn't blow her off!

"Oh. That's fine. If you want, you can head back. I can finish up here." Donnie informed him without even looking at him. The genius just kept toiling away at the electrical wires seemingly without a care in the world.

"Ya sure, Don?"

"Mm-hmm. Go ahead." the genius shrugged and within seconds, Raphael was gone with Donnie sending him a knowing look and a slight smirk on his face as he went back to the task at hand.

* * *

It was a comforting sight to see the electricity was on and Splinter did a great job cleaning but not as much to realize that his brothers still had yet to return. His eyes strayed to the end of the hallway where obvious noises from the television were playing and most likely where April resided. He stopped for a moment in the hallway, being sure to adjust his mask and clothes to be more presentable before he approached the entryway to the living room.

For a moment, he watched her. The brunette sat on the couch, eyes glued to the screen and in her hands a familiar green canister holding one of her favorite foods. One he teased her about so it was great leeway to open up an instant conversation.

"I see yer eatin' yer rabbit food again, O'Neil?"

Raphael hid a smile as April's eyes widened the instant his revealed presence in the doorway was noticed. Her cheeks a bit puffed out from eating her snack and damn, if it wasn't the cutest fucking thing he'd ever seen...

April gave him a shake of her head after rubbing off the surprise; she quickly swallowed and answered the smug turtle.

"As a matter of fact - yes." she laughed, reaching into the canister to grab another small handful of wasabi peas. "I have to start watching my diet again. These past few weeks I've been eating _way_ too much crap that I shouldn't be."

"You could just work out more than ya can eat all the crap ya want. That's what I do." he chuckled as he approached the couch. As promised, a few boxes of pizza awaited even if she didn't exactly wait for him to start the movie.

Frankly, he deserved that...

Yet, as he stood there and their banter normal and playful, Raphael began feeling particularly brave when she didn't seem at all upset about his half-hour absence. Without even a second thought, he lowered himself to sit next to her on the couch; heavy weight accepted with slight protest of the springs.

Upon being in her near presence, he had to hold himself back from sniffing the air. The aura of slightly floral perfume on her skin and hair made it apparent she had bathed only an hour earlier and _fuck_ , she smelt so good... It's too bad the pungent wasabi stench from the open canister of dried peas ruined the effect a bit.

Raph always had a particular hate for the stuff and now that opinion only intensified.

"With my work schedule, I don't think so. I barely have time to sleep anymore." April replied with a huff and Raphael's heart skipped at how she relaxed further into the couch and almost absentmindedly scooted closer to him.

Raph's mouth quirked at her answer and actions, catching a glimpse of her in his peripheral as she popped a few more in her mouth.

"Splinter told me you guys were fixing the place up. What happened?" she asked, breaking him from his inner musings.

"Not much," he shrugged, "Jus' helpin' Don fix the electric; been on the fritz but it's workin' now."

"Yeah, the latest storm caused a bunch a problems at my apartment too. I'm just glad they got fixed while I was working so I didn't have to deal with it." she replied after taking another drink.

'That's good...So, uh, what did I miss?" he asked, gesturing to the television.

"Just one hell of an exposition. Don't worry, this movie is a lot more boring than a previews made it look so it isn't really worth rewinding."

Raph 'hmm-ed' in response; allowing silence to reign for a long moment; the quiet voices from the movie nearly drowned out and only the slight cricking noises from her crunching her snack punctuated the room. As tense as Raphael had been earlier, he felt more at ease now. He was sorely tempted to open the pizza box and take out a few slices but his eyes kept straying to her. His earlier inner musings of wanting to be more open and forward with her kept creeping in, so what better time than now?

"Can I uh - try one?" he asked.

April didn't bother hiding the surprise on her face.

"Really? Is Raphie finally gonna try O'Neil's 'rabbit food'?" she asked and he had to choke back a lump in his throat at the nickname. She'd never called that to his face and by the glint in her eyes he caught, he believed it was a slip of her tongue but he was certain to smile to appease any fear she may have about repeating it in the future.

"It can't be all bad, right?" he shrugged before holding his hand out, palm up.

April looked down at his proffered hand than back up at him before placing the entire canister upon his palm. So much for only trying a couple.

Raphael was more than a little apprehensive as he stared down at the open lid of the plastic jar. His fingers massive and huge, it was going to be an impressive feat for him to retrieve much of them without crushing the rest. The sensation of her eyes boring into his skin had him ignoring his doubts and pushing forth. Dipping a large index into the opening and surprisingly gracefully pulled out a small amount. Once upon his open palm, he stared at the offending peas covered in this weird whitish green crust.

To be frank, they looked disgusting.

Puke colored peas covered in some kind of hard white mold. Stomach turning and lip pursing; he asked himself just what the fuck had he gotten himself into?

With glance to April's anticipated face, he popped the offending peas in his mouth and the instant they touched his tongue, a horrifying shiver made its way up and down his carapace. Biting down, he outright ' _hurked_ ' at the instant burning invading his nostrils that gave the sensation of a bloody nose. Yet, nothing compared to the taste; slightly rancid, salty, and downright disgusting.

Raphael didn't even bother pretending to like them; instead, he intermediately jumped for a slice of pizza to shove into his mouth in an attempt to hopefully dull the horrendous flavor.

The whole time, April watched his reaction with bated breath. Hand over her mouth not being able to control the almost instantaneous laughter caused by the hilariously expressive faces he was making.

After half a slice was down his throat, he immediately shoved the rest in; savoring the taste of greasy pepperoni, sausage and cheese which was pure euphoria after that horrific experience. Able to swallow cleanly, he shuttered off any remaining after-effects of the peas. When it passed, he immediately noticed April's hysterical laughter. Feeling slightly offended and more than a bit embarrassed, he was full on ready to send her a dirty glare to calm his frayed nerved when something stopped him.

April was laughing so hard, she snorted.

She fucking snorted.

" _How come absolutely everything this girl does ends up to just be fucking adorable?_ _"_ Raph internally pondered, catching the soft sound and storing it away in his mind as another of her cute quirks he'd come to know and love.

April looked embarrassed, running a nervous hand through her hair.

God, that hair...

How those silky strands parted so beautifully with just the gentlest pull of her fingers. The auburn water separating under any administration - the weight great enough to cover and nestle heavily over her thin shoulders but light enough to flap against her face at the faintest breeze...

Fucking **everything** about her was driving him wild and he could barely handle it. It was enough to put that incident to the furthest recesses of his mind and be able to focus on her again.

"Sorry." she giggled, her breathy laugh causing shivers to run up and down his plastron at an alarming rate.

"Don't be." Raph responded almost too quickly by the way her brows quirked up at his admission. "Uh - heh. Mikey's the worst." he elaborated, "He tends to drink and laugh, spraying crap out through his nose whenever he gets a chance."

"Really?" April chuckled behind her hand, cheeks flushed and eyes whimsical.

"Yeah." Raph replied with a smirk, wiping a quick hand over his mouth to make sure he wasn't drooling - which he noticed he alarmingly did whenever she did anything to drive him inadvertently crazy.

"So, I take it you like wasabi peas now?" she giggled, brushing her elbow along his forearm.

Raph's returned look of disgust had her in stitches all over again but this time, he couldn't help but smirk at her reaction. A sudden array of noise from the other rooms had him inwardly squirming. If his ears were correct, his brothers were back and his alone time with April was indeed coming to an end. He was proven right when Mikey's orange-masked face poked through the doorway.

"Angelcakes!" Mikey pronounced his presence loudly.

"Hey, Mikey!" April greeted, standing to her feet to give him a hug.

The lovable oaf eagerly returned it.

"Oh, Angelcakes! You're looking so beautiful and just **what** is that heavenly scent?! Is that a new perfume you're wearin?" Mikey hopelessly flirted, shamelessly pulling her close enough to take an inhalation of her wondrous scent much to Raphael's dismay.

April just pushed the flirtatious turtle away with a huff. "Nope, same one as always, Mike."

"Ahh... You'd never know it." he sighed dreamily, allowing the woman to sit back down.

April hid a smile by rolling her eyes and Raph's anger abated when April scooted closer to him even if was only to give Mikey some room on the spot next to her.

"Hey, Donnie! Hey, Leo." April greeted upon catching the glimpse of Donnie and Leonardo who walked through the door.

"Good evening, April!" Donnie happily returned it with a wave before plopping on the love-seat and helping himself to the pizza.

"Evening, April. How are you?" Leo returned the sentiment with a stiff nod of his head as he went to sit in the armchair closest to the door.

"Pretty good." she responded innocently enough but Raphael was all too aware of Leo's knowing look send his way.

In retaliation, Raphael sent a death-glare to Leonardo, daring the Leader to not say a peep about anything if he wanted to live through the night. As goes his luck, Leo didn't pay him any heed as he mirrored Donnie in grabbing a slice.

Again, he was thankful for Mikey that had a habit of puncturing the overbearing silence that infiltrated much too often in Leo's presence.

"Ooh! Are those wasabi peas?!" the youngest exclaimed, grabbing the canister that Raphael had placed back down on the coffee table. Pouring a few into his hand before stuffing them in his gob with happy moaning.

Raph didn't bother hiding his disgusted look at the sudden aftertaste yet his attention was diverted with April poking a thin elbow in his sensitive sides. Amber eyes wide as she looked at her and she gave him a crooked smile. He pretended his heart didn't just skip a beat upon seeing it.

"Glad someone appreciates them. Raph thinks they're disgusting." April thrilled teasingly; said turtle just shook his head and chuckled at her statement.

"Meh, don't mind him, Angelcakes. Raph just has no good taste." Mikey muttered around another mouthful.

" _That sure as hell ain't true..._ " Raph muttered internally as his eyes strayed to the beautiful reporter sitting beside him.


	18. Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raphael keeps tripping up - literally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the delay.
> 
> Real life has been completely insane as of late. So much so that I had little interest in writing and even considered putting out a hiatus message until it all calmed down, but somehow, I found the time and energy to put this out. I doubt I'll be able to commit to finish this around Christmas but I shall try my best to keep it more consistent from now on. Hopefully, anyway. ;-)
> 
> Enjoy, y'all.

* * *

"God! This movie **sucks**!" Michelangelo exclaimed around a mouthful of pizza; loud masticating grating on Raphael's last nerve as he tried his damnedest to ignore Mikey's non-stop mouth and try to enjoy the fucking movie.

Mikey had never made watching movies or television easy, but tonight, it seemed even worse than usual - perhaps because April was currently sandwiched between them and his usual agitation and leaving the room in an angered huff was simply _not_ going to happen. Without any further options, Raph was basically forced to be cordial to his brother instead of doing his normal run of using threats of serious physical pain to make him shut up. So, here was Raphael, being quiet, calm, and courteous if only to save face in front of the pretty brunette.

...but, **FUCK** , was Mikey making it particularly difficult to restrain his naturally violent tendencies...

"Mm-hmm." Raph gruffly replied if only to get his youngest brother to shut the fuck up.

"Just a bunch of people talking… No hot girls in bikinis, high throttle car chases, or even a decent fight scene!" Mikey sighed, "I mean, look, bro! It even put Donnie to sleep! That's gotta be a flippin' world record or somethin' cuz he normally _loves_ movies like this!" the youngest continued, flinging his arm in the slumbering genius terrapin's direction and somehow blocking April and Raph's view of the television.

"We _get_ it, Mike; now shut yer fuckin' trap! Ain't nobody makin' ya stay n' watch it..." Raph growled under his breath; fists clenched and body tense.

The youngest should have just been fucking grateful April brought them a movie and pizza at all; yet, all Mikey did was complain... It was only Raphael's vast recesses of self-control that he currently wasn't giving Mikey the ultimate smack-down.

"Seriously, though! _**Look**_! He's drooling and everything! That's some deep sleep, brah!" Mikey exclaimed in a loud whine and the temptation to smack Mikey upside the head became unbearably great.

Allowing his frustration to get the best of him for only a second when Mikey didn't immediately pull his hand back, Raph forcefully pushed his brother's arm away from blocking his and April's view of the television. In doing so, Raphael had accidentally brushed a massive, scaly forearm across her shoulder and hair.

Mikey replied something nonsensical under his breath as he plopped back down into the sofa but Raph was too shocked of his touching of April that he completely missed it.

"Eh...Uh, sorry." Raph whispered a bit nervously but she just looked up at him, shrugged, and smiled in that laid back way of hers. The brief moment of her eyes on his so enthralling, he grieved when her cornflower blue eyes left his in order to gravitate back toward the bright television screen.

_So much for playing it cool.._.he grumbled internally; chiding himself for allowing his anger to get the best of him yet again.

Raphael felt a slight twinge of anger swell in him for a moment; hating how he let go of his self-control in front of her. Implications itching its way into his shell as he swallowed back a hard lump in his throat before pulling his fleeting attention back to the movie as well. Looking desperately for any distraction from his internal, never-ceasing self-deprivation.

A brief silence reigned for only a moment before Mikey let out another epic sigh when the two main characters in the movie began another long discussion. April, sensing Mikey was about to complain some more, finally spoke up.

"Sorry, Mike. I guess before I rent the next one, I'll make sure it has plenty of female nudity and death, okay?" she chuckled even if part of it sounded forced.

"Thank you! That's all I'm asking for, babe. I ain't that hard to please." the youngest replied with a none-so-subtle wink to which Raphael rolled his eyes.

April just shook her head; letting out a sigh while leaning down to remove her boots before pulling her legs to curl aside her. Raphael had to hold back a flinch when she subconsciously scooted closer to him; loose hair temporarily brushing along his bicep before going back to rest along her back and shoulders.

"Um-hmm…" The way she responded was distinct, how they conversed over the years wormed its way into his psyche and he knew instantly that her defenses were up and Raph supposed a bit of back-up wouldn't hurt.

"Mike, just be thankful that ol' Fearless left da room so he ain't muttering criticisms about the movie under his breath every two fuckin' seconds." Raphael replied dryly while reaching for another slice of the already cold pizza. Maybe if he kept his hands and mouth occupied, he'd be less likely to be internally plotting the murder of his brother in graphic detail or obsessing about how soft and unbelievably smooth April's brunette locks felt against his skin. Also, throwing another wrench into Mikey's flirtatious behavior was just an added bonus.

"But at least some of **that** was entertaining!" the youngest turtle complained, throwing his weight back into the couch and propping his feet on the coffee table which earned him a horrid scowl from Raphael.

For the most part, Raph was adamant to just ignore him; to relish in April's presence and everything it entailed but it seemed as if Mikey wasn't done making his life utter hell.

"Hey! I have an idea!" the youngest suddenly exclaimed a mere thirty seconds later, purposefully scooting closer to April before whispering to the brunette, "Wanna forget this yip-yapping bore-fest and play Twister with ol' Magic Mikey, Angelcakes?"

Raph's scales prickling; familiar sensation of unbridled rage boiling through his body as his eyes ripped from the television, over April's head and directly at his little brother's ugly mug. His youngest brother's egregious attempts at flirting with April reared its ugly head again and Raph did not want to bare witness to it again tonight.

"Mikey, I swear to **God** …" Raphael growled lowly in his throat; an obvious rattle in the base of his vocal chords an instinctual thing to warn his brother that he was not to be messed with and if he wanted to live, to stop talking immediately.

Michelangelo obviously didn't catch the hint.

"Aw, come on, Raph. It's just Twister!" the youngest said with a flamboyant wave of his arm, "I would invite you too but the last time that happened, I got a face-full of your stanky junk when you fell over me tryin' to reach the red dot! You made us both lose that game!"

"Mike…" Raph growled under his breath,his attention purely focused on his brother and not bothering to notice how uneasy April seemed nearly crushed between them at this point.

"Hey, I'm willing to try again if April's between us, brah. Might even make it more interesting," he said with wiggling brow ridges which only aggravated the red-banded terrapin further, "So, what do you say, Angelcakes?" Mikey asked, peering down at one very uncomfortable reporter.

"I doubt she's interested, now shut yer trap. We're tryin' to finish the movie in fuckin' **peace**!"

"Hey, I wasn't askin' you!" Mikey interceded, his eyes leaving the pretty reporter in favor of his brother's angered face. Any other night, he'd probably would be scared shit-less of a nearly guaranteed beat-down but he was feeling particularly brave tonight. Mostly because he never expected the largest terrapin to lose his cool in front of April for some reason...

"So, what do you say, Angelcakes?" Mikey asked again, bravely lifting an arm over April's shoulders to rest atop the couch; completely missing how Raph's scales furrowed and muscles physically tensed at his blatant flirtatious action.

"I don't-" April began before Raph interrupted.

"See, Mike? She doesn't want to." he muttered angrily.

"You didn't even let her finish, dude. Totally uncool to interrupt a pretty lady."

"Enough, Mike..." Raph growled lowly, the timbre rattling in his throat meant a painful beating awaited.

"So, how's about it, babe? You and me? Crawling over each other to reach the same tile…or you know, if you'd rather just relax, I wouldn't mind a little game of seven minutes in Heaven..."

"ENOUGH!" Raphael screamed with a primal yell, launching like a rocket toward his brother, who immediately skirted out of the way as the largest gave chase. The pounding of their feet on concrete and carpeting slamming and vibrating with every step; the rattle and crash of tables and various other objects being knocked aside by shells, legs, and flailing arms.

April was more or less shocked; sitting in the exact same position; blankly staring at the television as she wondered what the hell just happened.

"Can't catch me!" Mikey taunted loudly, letting out a particularly loud whoop as he escalated his lead throughout the lair.

"Ya better pray I can't!" Raph bellowed in reply, "Cuz if so, yer gonna be drinking pizza from a straw for the rest of yer damn miserable life!" Raphael barreled after his youngest brother, who was weaving in and out of rooms, over tables and obstacles like it was a fucking obstacle course.

"That doesn't sound too bad!" Mikey outright laughed as he ran back through the living room and jumped over the coffee table. "…and with Angelcakes, my life is never miserable." the orange-banded turtle chided back after a graceful landing. The overtly flirtatious tone he used only causing Raphael's anger to further escalate.

So intense was the sudden rage he completely lost himself in it; not noticing as they ran in front of April three times already or the strange and belligerent looks they were getting from the brunette. Raphael was so focused on catching up that he didn't see Michelangelo disrupting the couch and coffee table. Styrofoam cups and plates, napkins, pillows, and blankets now littering the floor.

After yet another lap through the lair and back through the living room, Raphael was gaining ground much to Mikey's dismay. The youngest getting a sudden burst of adrenaline shot forward and jumped over the couch where April promptly laid back to avoid getting kicked.

"MIKEY!" Raphael bellowed after his brother. He was set to bound over the same couch when suddenly, his entire world came to a stop. Bare foot instantly got caught in a discarded knitted throw; catching in the fabric and getting entangled in its throws. The snag in the fabric bringing him instantly to a halt.

Within seconds, he was falling.

The couch and April far too close for comfort as he launched forward; her cornflower blue eyes wide as he propelled straight for her.

All Raphael knew for certain at this moment was he **needed** to stop.

Ignoring anything else, he latched his weight to the ground, catching one foot on the edge of the couch, the other on the floor. Hand latching to the top of the couch, the other to its cushions below. Before he even knew what happened, all became still.

When it was apparent he didn't crush her, reality silently crashed down around him. Amber eyes widened in realization of where he was now.

April lay under him, his massive body over hers where scales and armor met the soft cotton fabric of her top, textured jeans, and the unbelievable silkiness of her skin. Their bodies were pressed together without him crushing her in the least, faces mere inches apart as she stared at him in complete bewilderment; eyes wide in nothing but complete shock. There was no fear, no anger, or even a hint of being uncomfortable like expected. Only confusion and if he wasn't mistaken…perhaps something else he couldn't even begin to comprehend.

Raphael suddenly became hyper aware of her body.

Heaving chest, soft breasts brushing over the sensitive skin right above his plastron and warm breath cascading over his face and neck. The smell of her hair and body causing his own to clench and react in complete, utter euphoria and rather embarrassing arousal. The barest hints of her alluring smell was so great he had to mentally stop himself from deeply inhaling before he completely lost his mind.

So, he absorbed this moment, staring unblinkingly in her eyes and she unfaltering stared right back.

The more logical side of him wanted to apologize; every instinct told him to hurriedly climb off and mumble some form of " _sorry_ " or " _didn't mean to do that_ "…but his body wouldn't obey. Only further bending to his internal need to be even closer to her softness and warmth. The sheer addiction he was hopelessly entranced in all the more alluring as he became attuned to how beautiful she was.

In an instant, he felt her hands move to grasp upon his forearms; smooth delicate fingers firmly pressing into his scaly skin. Her confusion lifted, the barest hints of a smile tickling the edges of her pink lips as she stared back up at him. Softening demeanor and openness in this point a time was one he'd never forget.

It was a moment in which he never wanted to leave, for this to never end; a moment in which the rest of the world faded away from this little bubble. His anger at Mikey completely diminished; Donnie sleeping nearby, and Leo the hell knows where were the furthest things from his mind. All that mattered was the sensation of her underneath him; how she clung to him when she should have been pushing away…it was all too much. His mind and body in complete and utter euphoria and he spoke if only to calm his rapid heartbeat.

"Y-You alright?" Raphael asked, voice a mere whisper that cascaded over her neck, locks of brunette hair fluttering from his hot breath.

"Yeah…" she replied, voice very much like his own. Soft, barely audible and seemingly for his ears only. "I'm fine." she continued a bit louder and Raphael's heart stopped cold in his chest when her hands began to move, gently gliding up his forearms to rest comfortable along his biceps and deltoids. Short green fingernails languidly dragging across his scales and they prickled at her touch.

Raphael instinctively began to rest more easily, body taking over what his mind screamed for him not to do. His face lowering closer to hers as he adjusted and he swore he was imagining it when April's eyes suddenly flicked to his mouth before meeting his golden irises again.

A gravitational pulling he was scarcely in control of began taking over every fiber of his being and before he realized exactly what he was doing, he began to lower his face closer to hers. Shocked beyond his wildest dreams when her eyes began sliding closed and before he could even fathom the meaning behind it, a sudden voice rang out.

"What's going on here?" the sharp snap of Splinter's tail hitting the concrete floor was like a whip upon a cracked shell.

In an instant, he moved, pushing himself off April, who pulled out from underneath him; sitting up and maneuvering her rumpled clothes before her wide eyes gravitated toward the rat master.

Behind a rather expressionless Splinter was standing a very confused Michelangelo. Youngest brother staring at him; furrowed brow ridges creasing the edges of his mask. The persecution behind that stare made Raphael felt himself breaking out into a cold sweat.

"I-I tripped." he mumbled, hating how his voice cracked and the embarrassment of having to answer for his actions causing his cheeks to burn uncomfortably.

"You tripped? You must have not been paying careful attention to your surroundings." Splinter replied in his normal calm tone that was impervious to anyone but himself. Raphael knew Splinter didn't believe him…

"I swear, Sensei. It was n' accident. I jus' tripped, I swear!" Raph defiantly argued, hands rising in a sign of placatory surrender.

Splinter's whiskers twitched.

"Yeah! Only cause he was chasin' me!" Mikey weighed in with his famous puppy-dog eyes that turned from Raph to their father.

"Hey, don't ya dare make dis my fault! Ya started this, Mike!"

"Nuh-UH! Total lies, dude. All I did was make April an tiny-winsey little offer and the Raphinator goes totally _mental_!" Mikey argued, his nickname for his red-banded brother even spoken in a hokey Arnold Schwarzenegger accent.

"Offer?" Splinter asked in confusion but any answer was interrupted by Raphael.

"We were tryin' to watch a movie!Ya just can't keep yer mouth fucking **shut**!" Raphael growled, body tensing further as he stared at his brother.

"Raphael!" Splinter cracked his tail again, "Please. Watch your language. Now, I think you boys need to calm yourselves. This is no way to behave in front of company."

They were so enthralled into their conversation, nobody bothered to notice Donatello awaking with a wide yawn.

"Aw, it' doesn't matter - it's just April." Mikey said with an impervious shrug never expecting the sheer anger to cross Splinter's face.

"Have you forgotten, she is our **Hogasha**! Don't you _dare_ disrespect her role in this family, Michelangelo." Splinter replied with a firm whip of his tail across Mikey's shell.

" _ **Yeowch**_! Hey! That hurt!" Mikey whined loudly and the withering look Splinter gave him was apparently not enough to shut him up.

"Now, what offer did you speak of?" Splinter reiterated.

"Huh? Oh, just some Twister is all." Mikey said with shrug.

Splinter didn't buy it and Raphael was more than happy to fill in the blanks.

"Don't forget yer idea of Seven Minutes in Heaven."

Mikey's widened eyes met his with barely suppressed rage but Raphael just gave him a devilish smirk.

"Is that true?"

"I-I, hey! It was just a jo-"

Before he could speak further, Splinter's tail whacked against Mikey's shell and the youngest jumped.

"Hashi, NOW, Michelangelo."

"Aw, but why!?"

"You're going in there until you learn some respect!" Splinter demanded, guiding his reluctant and continually whining son in the right direction.

You could hear a pin drop as Mikey and Splinter left the room; Raphael feeling incredible internal relief that he wasn't the one going to the Hashi for a fucking change.

"I'm going to bed. All of you are _way_ too damn loud…" Donatello muttered sleepily, breaking whatever spell had fallen over them. .

Raph and April remained completely silent until Donnie left to his computer station; the genius muttering something before his head hit the desk with a solid thunk. He was again, fast asleep.

The atmosphere still a tad tense, Raphael didn't want to be the first to speak and ruin whatever magic had happened between them when he was atop of her

"Well… _that_ was something." April chuckled, her melodious voice causing him to look at her from where she sat to his left. Blue eyes sparkling and full of mirth; teeth showcased in a bright white smile as she stared unabashed up at him.

"Yeah…Somethin'." he replied; sheepishly running a hand to scratch the back of his head. "Um…Sorry, ya know. Almost crushing ya to death and all."

"Hmm. I know you wouldn't. I trust you." she laughed, bopping him with a closed fist over his bicep; never knowing just how much those words meant to him. Raph smiled regardless of how embarrassment flushed through him like a wave. She always had such an amazing way of making him feel at ease regardless of any circumstance.

"So, y-ya wanna finish that movie?" he asked a few seconds later, almost instinctual uncertainty lacing his voice.

"Eh…" she started, looking up to the television where it appeared the scene still remained the same and didn't have any intention of letting up anytime soon. Jut how long was this movie?! Her mouth in a contemplative pout, manicured eyebrows tilting before she let out a sigh and answering, "You know what? I think I've had enough drama tonight." she responded with a yawn; swiftly leaning down to pick up her boots and slip them back on.

"Yeah…Guess yer right." he reluctantly agreed; eyes pulling away from her entrancing form to look solemnly down at his feet. Internally still beating himself up for his behavior he'd showcased but the main feeling right now was the remnants of how incredible she made him feel. Yet, the embarrassment of tripping and almost crushing her was never how he pictured tonight going but a part of him was adamant to cherish the moment they had earlier even if he was very reluctant to bring it up. He decided to remain silent.

Watching with bated breath and his normal trepidation when she stood up and began collecting her belongings. DVD safely secured back in its plastic case and mustard-colored coat slipping on before she reached for her bag. Raphael full on expected her for just to turn back and give him a farewell wave but he never expected this.

April took a few steps toward the exit before turning back to Raphael who remained sitting in the same spot. The smile she gave him was warm and immediate as she slipped a nervous hand through her hair.

"Good night." he said, lifting a massive hand to politely wave.

"Night." she replied, adjusting the strap of her purse of her shoulder. She turned and took a few more steps before she stopped again near the doorway. Raph's ears tensed at the sudden cease of movement and he looked up to where she slowly turned back to look at him. Blue eyes wide in question and lip perched between her set of sparkling teeth. "Hey…" she continued, voice as if asking a question.

"Yeah?" he asked, valiantly ignoring how his ears prickled with every word she spoke.

"Um…Y-You wanna walk me home?" April stuttered a slight bit before the question poured out.

Raphael forced his eyes to stay on hers even as she brushed her hair back; fingers disappearing into that lush mane of chocolate locks to latch them nicely behind her dainty ears. Swallowing back a lump in his throat and his heart nearly stopping in his chest, he gave her a crooked smile before an eager reply left of its own volition.

"Heh. Sure."

* * *

 


	19. Suspended

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An offer presents itself - will either be willing to take the risk?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YAY! I'm actually being productive for a change! :-D I'm already planning, or rather outlining, the next chapter so hopefully that will be out before Christmas.
> 
> Enjoy, y'all!

* * *

"Aw, _shit…_ " were the first words out of April's mouth when the manhole cover was pushed out of the way.

Raphael held back a chuckle at the aggravation lacing her voice upon realizing quickly how warranted her displeasure was. Looking upon the scene outside, this was not good at all. The blizzard that had raged earlier was still continuing. Huge flakes of frozen ice and thick sleet were raining down in constant streams; immediate chills inching up their bodies at the sheer sight of this dreadful winter storm.

"Fuck." he grumbled his own displeasure before helping her up the last couple steps of the latter before they both lumbered from the manhole cover below and into the dark alleyway. He placed the metal circle back in its place before standing to his full height and turning his attention to the brunette at his side.

April was shivering a bit with the cold, sighing while wrapping her arms around herself as another frigid breeze howled through the alley.

"I should have known high-heeled boots were going to be a bad idea…" she chuckled to hide her obvious embarrassment at choice of footwear; standing awkwardly and feeling a bit off balance upon the icy pavement below her black heels.

Raph instinctively moved forward toward April, assuredly using his massive body to block as much of the cold air as possible from hitting her.

Said reporter was sure to give him a quick glance and smile as if to say " _thanks_ " before her attention gravitated back to the winter abyss that awaited them outside the confines of the alleyway. Lips pursing in thought as she inwardly came up with a game plan.

Raphael was all too ahead of her in this sense, taking in her high-heeled boots and the sensation of mercilessly cold ice underneath his thickly wrapped feet. This was definitely not the optimum way to get her home in any sort of haste; especially with her lack of fast mobility and their combined need to stay in the shadows for the thirty minute walk. A solution suddenly arose and before his brain could catch up to edit his thoughts, his mouth was already moving.

"Hey, how 'bout I carry ya home?" he offered, mind and body reeling from the words that escaped without his allowance. Try as he might to hide his embarrassment; it was short lived when April glanced up at him with an open, curious smile etched onto her plump pink lips.

"...Really?" she asked, brows furrowed in an obvious realization that his words caught her completely off guard.

"Uh, I-uh…Yeah. S-sure." he replied with a dramatic shrug, desperately saving face in an attempt to hide his stuttering. Raphael casually offered her his open arms and his heart palpitating at the very thought of her that close to him. As if he needed an excuse to get closer to her, this was the optimum time.

"You sure? I really don't want to trouble you. I think I could make it in these boots." she commented while almost nervously tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear; his eyes couldn't help but follow the motion.

"Nah. No trouble. It'll be faster anyway." he said with a teasing smirk hoping his veiled attempts at humor would calm his breathing and wouldn't seem as obvious that he was being a hopeless flirt.

April smile fell in order to gift him with an angry stare; hands firmly on her flared hips but the barest hints of a smile breaking out on her face gave away her internal musings.

"You calling me slow?" she chided, lips heavily pursed but she couldn't hide the smile that teased the edges of her mouth.

"Ain't callin' ya fast, O'Neil. Just saying, my legs are a bit longer than yours."

Raphael pretended not to notice the ways her eyes flicked all the way down his body before returning to his and answering.

"Fine." her smile wasn't as vague now, proudly expressed with a flash of her white teeth. Regardless of his teasing, she was a good sport and if he knew her at all, she was far from done firing back.

Responding with a hearty chuckle that rattled in his throat, he offered her his arm.

April just shook her head and huffed in pretend anger before approaching.

Movements deliberate and careful, he hoisted her up into his arms. Cradling her close to his chest with his left arm, he began easily scaling the building with his more agile right. Desperate to keep his mind occupied on his mission rather than just how warm she was; how her slight body perfectly curved within his grasp,and just how it was possible for her to smell so damn good all the time…

The wind harsh against the exposed skin were ignored in lieu of experiencing her softness and warmth anchored so close to his heart and flicks of silken hair dancing along his scales. It was only his task in front of him that he was able to keep his focus elsewhere other than her; even if it wasn't meant to last.

April, for the most part, remained quiet. Soft, leather gloved hands grasping a bit to his neck and mask tails as he climbed the fire escape rails and being certain to remain in the overhanging shadows above. The bricks and rails repeating as he made his way to the top of the large apartment building until he pulled them on the roof. From this vantage point, they saw the city in all its glory; lights catching on the glittery rain of snowflakes overhead and the beauty it all entailed. Sneaking a glance to his left, he took in the reporter. Barely suppressed wonder alighting her face as she stared out over the expanse of the city. The rarity of seeing it from such a high point without looking through glass or any of the neighboring buildings obstructions was quite a sight to behold this time of year.

A white blanket of snow covering so many buildings and the street below; a calm in the middle of winter a rare experience to take in. The few honks of cars or voices of people almost muted at this point in time. Only the cold air and snow greeted them in this frigid night.

Raphael continually looked at her; her beauty far outmatching the glittery white canvas surrounding. Eyes bright, glittery flakes of snow landing in her hair and face; the effect of ethereal majesty written in every soft curve and wave that adorned her. April was nothing short of magnificent. Heart hammering to a near stop when she suddenly pulled her eyes away from the sight to peer curiously at his stare.

"Ya ready?" he asked, glad his mind and mouth were still working in unison even as his heart pounded straight through his plastron.

April just nodded; certain to gift him with a relaxed smile as she did so.

"K. Better hold on." his throat rumbled slightly as he spoke; body and muscles alight with adrenaline as he suddenly bounded forward in a frantic sprint.

A finely oiled machine of raw power itching at his skin as he ran; feet slamming the pavement, the crunch of snow and gravel atop the buildings as he flung himself toward the building across. Careful to take notice of how April suddenly clung tighter yet didn't scream or even gasp at his actions. The trust she had for him far exceeding anything he rightfully deserved…

April, this incredible woman, who trusted a gargantuan beast to hold her and run across buildings in the dead of winter; the weather creating a form of ice rink atop metal hatches and the grain of rooftop shingles. There was no fear whatsoever. This beautiful woman clung to him without fear of repercussions. Trusting him to hold on to her, to not let go, and keep her safe. What astonished him more was how she looked at him; it was as if she was peering at something worthwhile rather than repulsive.

Heart hammering suddenly when she laid her head against his deltoid after a particularly far jump between buildings. For just a second as he jumped across another, he caught her eye. There was no barriers in those baby blues; they were open to him and allowing him to peer into her very heart if only for a second until his feet hit the rough rooftop below. The trust she had echoing throughout her cornflower blue irises made his heart clench painfully in the confines of his chest.

Yanking his eyes away for fear he'd lose himself in those orbs, he peered out over the winter landscape. Subconscious in his movement of pulling her just a tad closer before he began scaling down a building to jump to the next one. For a long time, he did this. Allowing gravity to do most of the work as he twisted and launched himself through the winter night. Not even noticing how she aptly watched the muscles in his shoulders and chest stretch, skew, and bulge every which way in the radiant light from the moon.

Raphael was too busy focusing purely on making sure his feet remained steady and hands gripped at the icy railings with every fiber of his being. Her safety the epitome of importance to him. Careful and deliberate to keep his mind on the world around him; any hints of shadow or anyone following were quickly diminished.

A full ten minutes later and he found himself atop her building; breath thick and white as it escaped his lips. Amber eyes focused and ninjitsu senses honed to the tenth degree, he silently scoped out the area; making damn sure no one was around or followed them here. After a few deep breaths and lack of any movement or sensation of being watched, he was certain no one had followed. Still keeping his eyes off of her, he moved to the side of the building where her fire escape was located. Careful as could be, he slowly scaled down the rails, making sure to stay in the shadows so if any resident happened to be at the window, it would be nearly impossible to spot him.

A few stories down, he stopped.

The familiar window pane greeted him and he placed himself down on her fire escape, moving her a bit to rest right in the middle of his chest. Once he got his footing, he looked down at her and was frozen in place as the brunette stared back up at him. Careful to notice how her arms curled and rested around his neck and she didn't seem too adamant to be let down anytime soon.

There were no words to describe this moment; to describe how her bright blue eyes bored into his and how her warm breath danced along his facial scales. There was a silence for a long moment; April was the first to speak for his own tongue was as useful as a lead brick by this point.

"Thank you," she breathed, pulling herself up a bit to look at him more directly than staring up at him. Her attempts to be more eye level with him didn't go unnoticed and his body instantly reacted to her desires by picking her up until they were face to face.

"Yer welcome." he spoke; tongue heavy and voice thick when it came out; white breath skirting over her in a soft mist.

Raphael cleared his throat; trying desperately to relax his facial muscles for he was certain he looked like a deer in the headlights but it was apparent April didn't even care. Just gave him her normal patient smile as she looked at him without flinching or didn't hold an ounce of being at all repulsed by seeing his marred features so up-close.

It was amazing to him at how anyone that was even remotely as beautiful as her could even spare someone like him a glance, let alone how she was gazing so unabashedly at him. Before he realized what had happened, she moved; his body tensing when she leaned forward to press her forehead upon his. The tip of her cold nose and warm lips inadvertently brushing over his cheek right under his eye before moving over. Her slightly crinkled nose skirting and bumping lightly into his own cold, wet nostrils playfully.

April suddenly giggled, her warm moist breath skirting along his mouth; the closeness of their lips alarming him to tremble slightly. Yet, it didn't seem at all to bother her; quite the opposite in fact when her eyes were so open and her presence so welcoming it had his world come to a stop. Own breaths slowing and heart almost at a standstill, the whole world other than her completely faded away.

Flakes of white scattering on her hair and face glittering like diamonds; her incredible, unmatched beauty putting them all to shame. April smiled; gently rubbing her forehead against his; the puffs of white from her breath cascading on his face. Blue eyes alight and sparkling; the way she was looking at him had his stomach and heart ache so bad and in such a way he hated yet never wanted it to stop.

It was this very moment that everything inside of him screamed at him to just kiss her; to be the one to close the small distance between their drastically different mouths. Her pink pouty lips were so close he swore he could taste them; savor her sweet mouth and absorb her very essence just by sheer closeness. The temptation of her lithe warm body; the openness of her eyes and how sincere she was in this moment.

Raphael swore her heart was beating just as fast, her mouth and body aching just as much as his was to close the small distance. Nothing could convince him otherwise that she indeed was feeling the exact same…yet as his amber eyes flicked down to her mouth than back to her eyes - something inside him completely halted.

The vast array of confidence he felt around her these past weeks suddenly disintegrated like a snowball in a vat of boiling grease. Melting and fading before his very eyes without any possibility of bringing it to a halt. The doubt he'd held down for so long reared its atrocious features and pulled him back into the uncertain depths.

Same doubts that plagued him for so long began to speak and he reluctantly began to listen. They told him " **no** "; to not risk everything in this moment.

If he kissed her now, that would be it. It would be over.

A kiss was something so permanent; he couldn't apologize for it nor couldn't take back. If she didn't want it or expected it, there was no force on Heaven or Earth that could reverse his actions; no amount of denial and apologizing that could make it up to her. If he pressed his lips over hers, she would know his feelings, his darkest harboring of unconditional love contained for her in the confines of his black heart. Kissing April would mean she would indeed know of his longing, his obsession, his desire to be with her for whatever remained of his worthless life.

_In that moment, he knew he couldn't kiss her._

The risk was far too great. For as amazing as it would be - the setup perfect and her being just so incredibly beautiful that it made him want to cry…but he couldn't push forward and press his mouth on hers.

… _he just_ _ **couldn't**_ _…_

What cemented it in his heart was when she didn't move either; seemingly contented to stay in the same exact pose was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Disheartened, he began to reluctantly lower her to the ground. Pretending not to notice the disappointment that instantly fled into her eyes as he pulled away; her hands fruitlessly trying to stay wrapped around his neck somberly loosened and she allowed him to lower than place her safely down onto the fire escape.

"I-It's freezin' out here. Y-Ya really should go inside." he spoke; hoping his voice didn't sound as broken and distressed as it did to his own ears. Praying desperately that she thought the stumbling in his voice was caused from the cold and chattering teeth rather than the echoes of pain inflicted on his heart.

April was silent for a long time. Staring up at him in a bit of bewilderment but quiet contemplation. Blue eyes flicking to the window before meeting his amber gaze again.

Raphael tried to ignore how her hands still clung to his; desperate and eager as her gloved fingers refused to let go. As if sensing his distress and want to hold her as she wanted to be held.

It broke his fucking heart.

"Oh…Um. Well, o-okay." she whispered, giving a slight shrug and hiding her disappointment very well behind a bright fake smile.

Raphael gave her a forced smile, hating how cold his skin felt the instant her hand retreated. Biting cold air scraping over his scales left his insides feel hallow and heart frozen. Ignoring that, he watched silently as she moved to the window, pulling up the pane with a crinkle of the ice shattering around the wooden frame. The warmth fled from the open window and instead of going inside immediately like he expected, she turned and looked at him.

A sudden hand appeared on his, the cool leather of her gloved fingers grasping at his index had him swallowing back a lump. Suddenly unsteady, her touch kept him grounded and in this moment where all he wanted to do was flee; to run and not to witness those eyes anymore; how they peered into his body and soul and wrapped around it like barbed wire.

"Hey, you're more than welcomed to at least come in for a few minutes. You know, just to warm up."

"I-I dunno, I really should go."

"Please?" she asked, the desperation in her eyes didn't go by unnoticed but Raphael was too busy listening to the doubting voices in the back of his mind.

As much as he wanted to say yes, to smile and nod and follow her in her warm inviting apartment…he couldn't. Could barely contain himself being in her presence as the doubt began eating him alive and old harboring of guilt for ever feeling anything toward her that would never be reciprocated reared back and dealt him a harsh blow to his chest. He didn't deserve her; never would… it was all a hopeless sham for him to even fathom her wanting him. Just looking at her proved that.

 _What the hell was he_ _**thinking** _ _? …he would_ _**never** _ _deserve her…_

Raphael remained quiet and April, being more optimistic about encouraging him made a quick move.

"Come on." she chided him with a teasing sigh, pushing herself though the window where she landed with a whoosh onto her kitchen floor. The reporter then turned around; gloved hand proffered to the window where she was about to invite him in once more…

… _but he was gone…_

All that greeted her was an empty fire escape and the dark beautiful snowflakes that still cascaded and fell in her vision now only plagued his absence further.

"Raph…" she breathed out sadly, shivering slightly as a chill went through her; one that wasn't at all caused by the frigid air ran down her spine.

Approaching the window, she peered out, above and below; desperate for a sign that he was there in the darkness.

"Raph?" April asked louder but the only thing that greeted her was a harsh frigid wind. She shivered into the breeze; her eyes burning for a reason she didn't fully understand as she stared out into the pitch black night. Sighing dejectedly as she peered back and wiped a hand over her face to remove some offending sleet from her skin.

" _Dammit!_ " she finished before slamming the window closed probably harder than intended.

* * *

 


	20. Permanent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raphael and April reflect separately about where their strange friendship may or may not ultimately lead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm doing a bit of a test here. After this first bit with Raphael, I want to get into April's head for awhile. I know I made this story for the purpose of making it 95% of Raphael's internal turmoil and point of view, but I thought April at least deserved a little bit of a moment. It's tense for all of them including her and I just wanted to give her this little time to shine. It'll probable be the only one so don't get used to it to much but I hope it gives the audience just enough of a leeway to set up what needs to happen later on.
> 
> Thanks for 20 chapters! (That's why I wanted to make this chapter extra long for you!) Your support shown in comments, faves, kudos, and all that jazz means SO much to me! Thank you so much and I hope y'all have a very Merry Christmas! See you after the New Year! xoxo

* * *

Raphael stood in the darkness for awhile; hating the permanent chill that embedded itself into his spine at April's words. Ignoring the pain in her voice; the desperation barely asked as she called his name followed by the bone-chilling sound of her slamming down her icy pane in obvious frustration.

A million thoughts went through his head in this moment as he caught his breath a few stories below her window. Scarred hands cold as ice as he held onto the frosty pipe he'd slid down to make his hasty escape. Inklings floating throughout his troubled mind; what if's, could have beens, and his own regrets and doubts clouding his mind. So conflicted on every end of the spectrum. Most of him wanting desperately to be with her, kiss her, tell her everything he'd been harboring internally for so fucking long while the other just said to let it go…let _her_ go.

_**If only he'd just…** _

Mind screeching to a halt, he took in a deep, choppy breath to try and sate his frantic nerves. The hot, white steam exiting his mouth as he released it into the inky night air.

Raph had passed up the most perfect opportunity. It was all wrapped up in a tight little bow; packaged perfectly for him to make the first move. April was there; _**right**_ there. Lips mere inches away; breath warm, minty as it skirted and ghosted teasingly over his wide mouth. She was looking at him like many times before; blue eyes open, bright and perfect in the light filtering from her apartment window. If there was ever a perfect moment to kiss her, _that was it_. There was absolutely nothing physical holding him back this time. No obstacles, no prying eyes of his brothers or father. No Casey or Vern there to spoil it. Just him and April. If there was ever a time, this was it…

While everything inside of his heart told him to kiss her and he was so desperate to follow its orders…he halted; mind stopping him short of pressing his lips to hers.

Hating to admit it at first, he allowed in those stubborn doubts, those nagging thoughts labeled reality-crumbling down any sort of confidence he may have felt in previous moments. If anything, it sealed it for him. Shot him back down to reality where beautiful women don't fall for freaks like him.

April was too gorgeous, magnificent - too _perfect_ for a walking disaster like him.

Raphael knew if ever given a ghost of a chance, he would instantly screw it up. Find someway to ruin any sort of romance that would develop. April would come to loathe him, hate him, regret ever letting a horrid mutant touch her let alone kiss her mouth. The thought of even doing so had a shiver make its way up its spine that had nothing to do with the cold. As amazing as it would feel for him, he doubted he could even kiss her right; their lips far too diverse to make a kiss even partly pleasurable for her. Mouth too wide and lips too thick; he'd consume her small pink lips and the experience for her no doubt would be absolutely appalling and disgusting.

The very thought of screwing that up so badly had him shuttering, body shaking a bit as he pulled himself closer to the cold bricks pressing into his carapace. There was no way he could kiss her now. Knew if anything would to ever happen between them, that one in a billion chance he clung to like a lifeline, he would **never** be able to move first.

_There was just no way…_

If anything was to happen, April had to be the one to make the first move; if only to be certain that she felt the same before making himself look like a total lovesick idiot.

Yet, the more he focused, the more the accepted the reality of what he was, and more-so, who _she_ was… He knew reflecting over the problem, that ultimately, it shouldn't be one. Regardless of how she looked at him, how she smiled so openly and eagerly at times…it simply wouldn't happen. They couldn't be anymore different and not just physically. Their worlds so vastly contradicting another it was almost breathtaking. April was a reporter; the eyes of New York constantly attuned to her. He was a ninja destined to remain in the shadows regardless of their relationship with the NYPD.

Even if they had more freedoms, they were still seven foot mutated turtles - **freaks**.

No amount of convincing could make him believe they would be accepted by everyone. Never to roam the streets in daylight without inciting a riot. The more that reality began to sink in, Raphael realized he couldn't even fathom being with her, having a normal life together…It just wasn't possible and the sooner he accepted it, the easier it would be in the long run. Eventually, she'd find another, forget about the strange freak she befriended once upon a time and move on to be with someone as perfect as she is. Someone who deserved the beautiful April O'Neil and give her everything that he never could.

Yes, it would hurt; cause him to burn and writhe in almost physical agony of losing her…but he hoped at least the pain was hopefully temporary even if the scar she would most definitely leave on his heart would indeed be permanent…

With this thought, he escaped back into the darkened night - where he belonged.

* * *

April O'Neil took a few moments to collect herself.

Mind frayed and body a bit cold and disoriented by the time she peeled herself away from the frosty window. Whatever she expected to happen tonight, this sure as **hell** wasn't it.

As much as she loved spending time with the turtles, namely Raphael, it was starting to drain her in ways she didn't expect. She put so much time, money, and effort into improving herself, spending time out of her busy schedule, getting food, and hoping against hope that Raphael for _once_ would take the bait.

Figuring right now was not allotted for a pity party, she instead resorted to grumbling and muttering while bending down to remove her boots; stretching and rubbing at her terribly sore feet once free of the tight, leather prison The boots may have been damn cute and added a few inches to her menial height, but the pain they caused were hardly worth it. April made a mental note to get some flat ones next time her wallet would allow.

Slinking her way to the bathroom, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror before reaching for the make-up wipes. Quickly removing what took her two hours this morning with a few forceful swipes of the moist towelette… it was more symbolic than she would ever care to admit as she stared at the remains of the foundation, powder, eye-shadow, eyeliner and mascara smudged onto the once-white cloth.

Over these past few years with her growing relationship with Raphael, it was always hit or miss, one step forward and three steps back.

Sure, she could stay for hours with him. They were best friends after all. Had the majority of same food and movie preferences and a shared sense of humor, but over the years, it began to change for her. Maybe it was him catching her from Sack's tower just a day after they met. Perhaps that rare smile he gave her under the bridge soon after…or maybe all those times after. Him visiting unannounced, her face bare, hair a tangled mess and yet, he didn't seem to care even if she was all too aware and rather self-conscious of it most of the time.

Raphael would spend hours with her alone just like this. Either to watch television, listen to music, bum on the internet, or just talking about her work, his patrols, and their shared interests. What stood out was him actually _listening_ when she spoke, answering her when needed and even asking questions for clarification. Turned out he was a helluva lot more encouraging than her other human friends and never once judged her based on her previous or present decisions. Accepted her for who she really was. April soon learned she didn't need to wear a mask around him; he accepted her as she was and she didn't have to pretend with him. He looked into her eyes when she spoke unlike most other men who's eyes always strayed to either other parts of her body or off into the distance.

He cared about her; her safety, while admittedly annoying at times, was rather… astounding, for lack of a better word. Since her father died, frankly no one really gave a shit about her. Yes, it was painful to be namely left alone with uncaring foster parents and later her workaholic aunt, it was a life lesson in hard knocks. She learned to roll with the punches, make her own way through life, pay her way through school, work her ass off while doing so, dealing with the catcalling, and embraced her New Yorker side that didn't deal with men making flirtatious passes or allotting them to brush a hand along her ass without consequences. She grew up on these streets and was hardened by them; learned the hard way when a man was using her for only one thing. Men fawning over her and treating her like glass. Internally hating how she was always viewed as weak or an airhead when she was anything but…

Yet when Raphael worried over her or cared a bit too much for her safety… it was _different_ somehow.

Enough so that she actually began really _appreciating_ it. Enlightened quickly that he didn't think of her the same way the rest did; was only genuinely concerned for her safety and not inclining that she couldn't defend herself. Raphael knew her limitations that she admitted she had some. Accepting she wasn't as physically strong as her mutant friends and it was okay to lean on him a bit if need be. Enjoy having a ninja bodyguard at times. Yet, it morphed into more than that. Simply having Raphael's presence around gave the sensation of making her feel completely at ease.

Safe.

Secure…

_It'd been a_ _**long** _ _time since she last felt that way._

When her father died, that rug was pulled out from under her. Always on edge, expecting the worst in people, and being constantly vigilant and watching your back wherever you went. It hardened her heart to be rather blind to true kindness. Kindness she never really experienced til she met the turtles and their rat father. For the first time in what might as well have been forever, she received acceptance and what a true family was like. At first, that's all it was. The relationship between them all grew, evolved, and changed over time and it was then the gravity between her and Raphael shifted. They'd been the closest two from the start and what she thought was just a minor infraction began drawing her in like a gravitational pull. A different chemistry and camaraderie than the other turtles…and she didn't know _what_ to do about it. Thought it was a strange crush or phase but it didn't dissipate in the least; only got more intense as time went on…

Whatever was occurring between them these past two years…she just wasn't sure how to handle it. April was sending him every signal she ever knew how to give hoping he'd be the one to make the first move. To at least give her some indication or her some validation that he was indeed feeling this weird, stomach-churning emotion too! April was damn near certain he was but she wanted to be sure before she made a complete fool of herself; to either kiss or do something brash that she couldn't take back.

**It was just so** _**strange** _ **!**

Here she was, nearing her 28th birthday, and pining for a teenager eight years younger than her - _a mutated turtle at that_! A part of her just wanted to ignore it. Forget that weird sensation that always arose in the pit of her stomach whenever he was around her, but a part of her just **couldn't** …she wanted him to tell her she _wasn't_ crazy. Wasn't at all psychotic for even thinking that way… He made her feel like a love-struck teenager in a sense. She hadn't felt butterflies like this since the quarterback of her high school's football team asked to take her to the prom…except this time, she doubted Raphael was a stuck-up, heartbreaking jerk like that asshole turned out to be.

Then tonight… Raphael carried her home.

April could easily feel every muscle bulging against her body as he maneuvered through the winter tundra of a city. Sure, it wasn't the fist time she'd been carried by her mutant friends or hadn't appreciated their incredible musculature, but with Raphael, again, it was _different_ somehow. Not sure exactly what she was thinking when she pressed her forehead and nose on his while they stood on her fire escape; staring into his eyes and smiling at him like a hopeless flirt. She was surprised at herself; being a lot more openly coquettish than she'd ever been with him these past few weeks and months. Noticing how it was only intensifying every time she met up with the largest terrapin. (You know, especially the instance where she kissed his cheek; she was still trying to get over that one.)

April stared at him; itching to close the distance, to taste those thick lips and finally put to rest those curiosities of what his mouth would feel like pressed up against hers, but she stopped herself. Hoping against hope that he'd be the one to make the initial move. Yet, when he didn't and instead began to lower her to the ground, it knocked her out of whatever spell she'd been cast under. It shook her to her core that she indeed **wanted** to kiss Raphael…so angry that he hadn't made the first move.

Yet, afterward, she wasn't even certain if she wanted him to…

Perhaps she could admit there was a demented side of her that was simply curious; a morbid fascination that stemmed from seeing their mutated forms. Strong, tall, so human, yet at the same time, not in the least. Scales that were smooth yet hard and rigid against her fingertips; plastrons and shells as sleek yet dense as impenetrable marble. There was just something so fascinating…and attractive.

There was no denying that Raphael was handsome. Not classically handsome by any human measures, but he was so tall, thickly-structured, strong cheek bones and chin, deep, raspy voice that made her hairs prickle on end, and **God** , those _**eyes**_. Not brown, blue, or green like an average human; they were amber, flecks of unadulterated gold embedded in the iris. The eyes of a reptile, but yet, it didn't bother her in the least. Well, not anymore…

Yes, he was inhuman, but there was a beauty there that she couldn't help but be intrigued by as soon as the shock of seeing a mutant turtle wore off. Along those thoughts came others…soon, she couldn't help but wonder what a kiss with him would be like. Would his lips be as rough as his thick scales? The once morbid fascination soon blossomed into something she'd never expect…

Over time, she got to know them…especially Raphael.

Raph was quieter, a lot more standoffish than his brothers. Maybe it was a challenge to kind of peel back his metaphorical shell a bit; to know more about the largest brother. That somehow turned to a friendship that she never had before. Over the course of these past couple years, she learned about him. His various nuances and expressions; know the gist of what he was thinking without him ever uttering a word. It was strange. She'd never known anyone like him. There was a complexity to him that she wasn't fully able to comprehend. A gentleness he never should have been able to possess, a great sense of humor, and a valiant discipline in his ninjitsu skills…there was just **something** about Raphael that drew her to him.

A gravitational pull almost that had her seeking him out more than his brothers, spending more time learning more about him and the more she learned, the more she yearned to know even more. To know what made him tick. To unlock that vibrant fire behind his eyes, To see to the very heart of him that was fiercely guarded… It was a strange cycle that eventually pulled her in like a moth to the flame…

That's where she found herself now.

Asking herself if she was insane for wanting him to kiss her tonight. Not sure if it was only to see how it felt but she was certain it was more than that… If she was honest, she'd never felt this strongly about a man before. She'd had boyfriends; some for days, another for years, yet none compared to the intense, complex feelings that Raphael arose in her. Raphael was just _different_ and not in the obviously physical aspect either. There was just _**something**_ about him… She was desperate to know if he felt the sa…

April jumped suddenly when her cell phone rang. Earlier frustrations returning with a vengeance as she angrily dumped the dirty make-up wipe in the trash can before leaving the bathroom in search of the obnoxiously loud device.

" _ **What**_?" she answered it a bit haughtily when she dug it out from her disorganized purse.

"Woah! Hey, hey! It's just me, April… Is uh, something wrong?" Casey Jones' smooth voice asked over the other end and April swallowed thickly in embarrassment for practically screeching in his ear.

"Ugh. No. Sorry, Case. I'm just," she sighed, "a little tired is all. It's been a hellishly long day…" she finished; hoping she hid her frustrations well enough that he wouldn't pry too deep.

"I can tell. Work kicking your ass?" the detective's voice was unbelievably calm, which helped calm hers substantially.

"Yeah. You can say that." Feeling a bit more at ease by Casey's voice, she continued speaking while entering her kitchen to put on a kettle for some tea. She would have went for coffee had caffeine not been a mortal enemy for too many sleepless nights; well, among other things. "So, what's going on? Any particular reason you're calling so late?"

"So 9pm is late all of a sudden? What happened to 'Night Owl O'Neil'?" he chuckled; rich deep voice echoing clearly from the other line.

"Sadly, she died out when I was 'promoted' to 5am shifts."

"Aw, dammit, that's too bad. I was hoping we could hang out tonight. I even bought your favorite hard cider! Perfect for a blizzard like this!" The eagerness in his voice was so adorable boyish that she didn't bother hiding the half-smile it caused on her reluctant face.

"I'm gonna have to take a rain check on that. I gotta be up by three and alcohol is the _last_ thing I need right now." April answered, lower back leaning on her counter as she awaited the shrill of the kettle.

"Heh. I gotcha…but um, hey, did I, uh, do something wrong?"

"No. It's nothing you did, Casey. I'm just busy is all. You know how it is." She replied, using her shoulder to hold her phone as she played with her short nails. A weird sensation boiling in her gut as she continued to speak to him. There was obvious displeasure in his voice and a guilt trip was not exactly welcomed right now.

"You've been ignoring me a lot lately. You know, not answering my calls or texts; it just makes it seem that way I suppose." he replied and his voice took a drastic shift; not exactly resentful but nonplussed nonetheless.

April's voice froze in her throat as she heard it.

_Damn guilt…_

She knew she should have expected the questioning but it didn't make it any easier. Truthfully, she wasn't avoiding him on purpose, just trying desperately to sort her shit out. Needed time to figure out what she wanted… **who** she wanted… Not wanting to hurt anyone, she tried her best to stay aloof and friendly regardless but it was getting increasingly harder to retain her composure over this incredible pressure building in her chest.

"Not on purpose, Case." she answered, hoping the sincerity in her voice would be enough to appease his fears and her guilty conscience.

"Yeah. I know…but, I'd really like to see you sometime, April…" he spoke and her heart skipped.

April and Casey had practically hit it off the moment they met. During a time she was determined that the thing she had with Raphael was only a phase and all the butterflies in her stomach when he was around was simply a figment of her imagination.

It made perfect sense, didn't it?

Casey Jones was certainly handsome; muscular, confident, and level-headed, not to mention a person in which she could vent about knowing the turtles. Before him, it was only her and Vern and said cameraman wasn't exactly good conversation material. Furthermore, Casey was a human; someone who understood the struggle of this secret and knew of the Kraang and Foot Clan and for once, he was not just an attractive slime-ball. Hard-working, intelligent (at times), street savvy, kind, caring, and funny and it seemed as if they _should_ just be together.

Almost as if it was meant to be - as stupid as that sounds - like fate somehow intervened and stars aligned for them to be together.

So, at first, she embraced it.

For a few weeks after meeting, April was certain that's where it was ultimately heading. Raphael wasn't on her mind for that time; only a inkling in the back of her mind as she got to know Casey and became friends, not exactly dating, but close to it. They went out to events and hung out a lot at each other's respective apartments but as she thought Casey would be the ultimate one in her life. Little did she know, it was soon to fade and none other than Raphael began inching his way up her priority list and back into her mind in a form of an almost constant and rather desperate obsession. The fog and newness of Casey faded and again, she became conflicted about her own needs and wants.

Flaws began appearing on the seemingly perfect detective. Head-strong, aloof, not exactly punctual, didn't pick up after himself, and their differences became much too noticeable. Their careers caused conflicts of interest in his department for cops weren't too keen with being too friendly with the media. Schedules too vastly different to find any substantial time to be together. Juggling all of those things on one plate didn't work as well as one would have hoped and soon, it all came crashing to the floor.

The feelings she had for Casey Jones began to fade into those she felt for Vern.

A friend, confidant, and something that may evolve deeper but only time would ultimately tell. A limbo almost and that's where she stood with him now. It was obvious he felt deeper for her than she realized. He called and texted all the time but she found herself responding less and less as time crawled on. The once hardcore attraction transformed into more of a novelty and she found herself more determined to find out exactly what lay in Raphael's heart. It became her muse, her mission. To figure out the gargantuan turtle and any feelings he may or may or not be harboring toward her.

Everything surrounding that mission, such as Casey and the once incredible draw she had to him began to sever. April reluctantly pushed him aside to figure this out and where she stood now and Raphael's almost cold attitude tonight, it only made her feel horrendously guilty…

"April? You still there?" Casey's voice suddenly broke through her reverie.

"Yeah…" she replied before the shrill of the kettle nearly gave her a heart attack.

Pushing the initial jolt aside, she quickly moved her hand back to latch onto her phone; grabbing the kettle and moved it off the heat.

"I-I'm sorry. What?" she continued, tone exasperated as she reached for a cup and the box of tea.

"I said, I'd like to spend more time with you, April." his voice was soft, almost melancholy, which didn't belong at all to the overly confident detective.

April froze as the whistling kettle quieted. Her mind in a torrent of emotions she wasn't ready to deal with. There were far too many variables to figure out in such a short amount of time that she was just too frayed to answer.

"Casey, I…" she sighed, hating how quiet he grew on the other end. "I don't know. Work has been hell and, I just… Now is not a good time." she finished pathetically; running tense fingers through her mane of hair.

"Listen. You sound stressed and I'm worried about you. Believe me, all you need is to get away for a bit. So, come on, tell me - when is your next day off?"

"...Tuesday." she answered reluctantly; knowing avoiding his questions now was only going to further dig her a grave.

"Perfect. I have a hockey game with my team and I would really like it if you came. Ya know, like you used to do all the time." he dealt a really low blow she admitted she deserved.

"Casey. I don't think I -"

"I'd really appreciate it if you were there. C'mon. I don't ask for much."

"..."

"Alright. Maybe sometimes I need a lead for work or whatnot, but I _swear_ , you'll have a good time and if not, hey, at least it'll get ya out of the house for a bit. Come on, April, it'll be fun…and, i-it'll be really nice to see you again."

"Casey…"

"If it makes you feel better, we'll go just as friends. Promise. No worries, no obligations. Okay? Just come hang out with ol' Jones, alright?" he said, the desperation leeching out and she wasn't sure she liked the sound of it much.

April sighed, her mind still frayed and confused but the words fell out anyway.

"Fine." she caved, pinching the bridge of her nose to push away a headache. Perhaps she just needed to get away from everything. If only for the opportunity to mull over it; to push through whatever hell Raphael was causing her tender emotional state…

"Great. Thanks. I promise you'll have fun. It'll be just like old times." he replied and she could practically hear him winking on the other end.

"Alright. Pick me up?"

"Of course. No way in hell I'm letting you bike across town with the icy roads. You're crazy, girl." he chuckled and she had to admit it was nice to hear. "I'll be at your place on Tuesday by 7pm. Deal?"

"Okay. See you then." she replied.

"Great. You, uh, you have yourself a good night, O'Neil."

"You too, Jones." she replied before she hung up with a press of the red button flashing on the smartphone's screen.

A frustrated sigh left her nostrils as she placed down the device on her counter. Her fate somehow seeming sealed. Perhaps it was what she needed; to think, to give Raphael some space for maybe that was the heart of the problem. They'd been spending an awfully lot of time together and while enjoyable, maybe she was coming on far too strong. Pushing boundaries the socially awkward turtle was not used to.

Hence how he backed out and pulled away at most given opportunities…

Pouring the boiling water into a cup and dipping in a tea bag, she replayed the night over in her head for any and all indications of perhaps anything she was doing wrong. Over her life, she'd never had trouble with attracting men but those same tactics she'd used most of her life was falling deaf to Raphael's ears. Nothing she did worked to try and even figure out what, if anything, any feelings he may or many not be harboring.

April silently recalled how she held onto him, touched him, even kissed his face. Giving him signals to perhaps take the bait, make the move further but so far, it wasn't at all successful. He still pulled away, put her down, and left before giving an explanation.

It was all just so **frustrating**!

On the other hand, maybe it was her; perhaps she was going about this all wrong.

After all, Raphael was a mutant turtle; never been in many if any human interactions before they met. Living in sewers and fighting crime. Only human contact was with criminals who he either killed or beat to a pulp. Can't exactly learn too many social skills that way. He was also very young; it was hard to grasp he was only 19 yet displayed maturity far beyond his years and maybe that was the main concern she grasped onto. The age gap was quite a big deal and it was wrong of her to think he should readily kiss her when his own human social interactions were infantile at best. In his own way, perhaps he was going through what she was; just trying to figure it all out and she should respect him for that.

Maybe…just maybe, he didn't want what she did.

Perhaps just friends was enough for him and she was just reading the wrong signals. The very indication of such a thing causing her chest to ache. The thought of her being so blatantly flirtatious with him and he internally doesn't want any part of it. It was such a horrifying thought that she physically froze. Pushing those thoughts to the far recesses of her mind where they belonged… **No**. She was certain there was something. She just needed to figure out _what_.

In that sense, April thought perhaps this was best.

It would be good for her to go hang out with Casey; get out of her hole she'd dug for herself and just allow time and distance to do its work. Allow her to evaluate and mull over everything dealing with Raphael. To give it a few days; plenty of time to figure out what exactly to do or not do. For if she continued on this path of pushing him too hard, she may just end up pushing him too far. Doing irrevocable and permanent damage to their relationship that couldn't be repaired.

It'd be easier in the long run to let it sort itself at…for she all the time in the world to do so, didn't she?

Pulling the tea bag out of the water and into the garbage, she allowed another deep breath to calm her frayed nerves. April grabbed her warm cup of tea and headed to her bedroom; hoping for a good night's sleep for a change…

* * *

 


	21. Allowance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikey confronts Raphael and the red banded turtle can't believe what he's hearing…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was almost done with this last week but for some damn reason, I lost my mojo near the end of the chapter and instead of half-assing it, I decided to wait til inspiration came back.
> 
> Nevertheless, you'll also be pleased to know the next one is already deep in development and hopefully, I'll finish it quicker than this chapter...hopefully. Anyway, enjoy, y'all!

* * *

Raphael lumbered back into the lair; heart palpitating frantically in his chest and body a mass of nerves that was ready to implode any second. He wanted nothing more than to just go pound on his punching bag or lift weights until he felt absolutely nothing but the searing white pain enveloping every muscle in his arms and shoulders. He was still adamant he made the right decision not to kiss April but it still hurt like fuckin' hell to have ultimate euphoria _so_ close and to just not take it.

He'd relished in always been the rebel, the risk-taker, the one who defied all logic and expectations to do whatever the hell he deemed fit…but with April, it was a whole different ballgame.

April made him want to curse, scream, cry, rage before ultimately kissing the very ground she walked on. To grovel at her feet for only the sheer opportunity to kiss the tips of her dainty fingers. Totally enamored with her very being and presence yet so hopelessly angry she could cause such an effect on him. The intense diversity of these overwhelming emotions were none he could possibly begin to understand. She was his muse, his obsession, his deepest desire for the sheer opportunity to just stay in her mere presence….he was certain she'd be the untimely death of him.

No one had _**ever**_ made him feel this way; it was like he wasn't in control of his body or mind; everything about her just encapsulated his very being and he was merely the puppet to her pulling the invisible strings.

_If only she_ _**knew** _ _the power she had over him…_

Over the one turtle who rebelled against everything; was selfish and hotheaded, never letting anyone in and always pushing others away…yet she had him in the palm of her hand; turning him into muddy green turtle putty without any effort whatsoever. It was absolutely maddening how much of a hold she had over him…

Pathetic was what it was.

It was like he was helplessly cast underneath her spell; adrift in a tidal wave of intense, soul-crushing emotions without any chance of coming up for air. Lost in a sea of her every wanton desire; for an opportunity for her to notice him as more than a friend; a confidant…a mutated turtle freak. He wanted her to see him as more than just his scaly flesh and reptile blood. Raph wanted April to see into his heart; to allot her the knowledge of how much he really cared about her…loved her like he loved no one else before or could imagine loving since…yet every single fiber in his being knew it would never be the case.

Feet dragging slightly, he moved into the weight room adjacent the open living area.

Going about subconsciously, he moved over to the cabinet and pulled out a roll of white bandage tape. Wrapping up his knuckles and fingers before he lost his mind to his body. Mindlessly slamming the bag of sawdust and sand with raw knuckles and sore knees just to numb the sensation of her finger tips that still ghosted over his neck. To cloud over the scent of her minty breath, so wanton and close. Damn, he could still smell her; that mane of hair that always carried the aroma of spring flowers, aloe, and a scarce hint of coconut oil.

Even if his body was completely enamored with working out or otherwise, she still never was far from his thoughts; his internal musing of which she always played the key role. Never wandering far from his fleeting subconscious; her heart-shaped face, beautiful hourglass frame, breathy laughter, soft voice, cornflower blue eyes, and wave after wave of bouncy dark chocolate locks cascading over her thin shoulders.

April was all he could think about.

Yet it wasn't just physical; she was far more than just a pretty face and stellar body. Unconditional love, kindness and loyalty far outweighing her beauty and putting it to shame. Caring about them when she had nothing to gain; pushing past the world's standards to look past their physicality and still deeply care about them as no human dared to before or since. To see they were more than just freakish mutants. Raphael would be the first to admit that it may have been her beauty than tempted him initially, but it was her personality that completely sucked him in. She was like a drug, constantly invading at every opportune moment just to prove how weak he really was.

For all his fronting and badassery, he was just a mere puppet, a mere pawn to his obsession for April O'Neil.

It was pathetic, sickening, and convoluted but right now, he didn't give a flying fuck. He supposed he always would be cast adrift on the sea of her memories; her very being and presence so intoxicating. Breathing in nothing but her til his lungs gave out. The visions of her smile in his mind's eye; her voice and smell so potent. She wasn't just a want, it was more of a necessity; to never let go and to hopelessly surrender to the emotions she brought out in him. Everything inside of him screamed in rebellion over her vice grip she carried on his heart but he ignored those. Surrendering to this obsession was so easy yet when he found himself with her...it was so different.

If only he could…

" **RAPH**!" a scream shattered whatever hell reality he'd been thrust into.

All of a sudden, his eyes cleared up to see the very confused, bemused face of Michelangelo staring up at him from the other side of the punching bag. The shock of seeing his orange-banded brother there was nothing to a sudden a strange pain in his hands brought him fully out of whatever trance he was under.

Chancing a glance down, Raphael realized his knuckles had long ago been bleeding; the rust colored, sticky substance now permanently staining the battered gray bag and the once white bandages.

" **Fuck**!" Raphael growled in great annoyance; the sting from his hands numbing any embarrassment his little trance may have caused.

"Raph?!" Mikey asked again in a quieter tone but Raphael visibly jumped at it anyway.

"Mike. Ya scared the **shit** outta me! The fuck you want?" Raph growled low in his throat; internally punching himself for talking to Mikey like that when it probably wasn't warranted. Ignoring how his breath was choppy and his pupils partially dilated; likely looked like some mindless zombie. Internally, he wondered just how long he was out of it…

"Nothin'," he replied with a dramatic shrug, "Ya were just making a ruckus in here; thought I'd make sure ya weren't breaking anything like last time."

Raphael rolled his eyes at his answer; pushing back his shoulders before going back at toward the bag with gusto if only to drown out whatever other stupid thing Mikey would say next. He continued this for a few minutes as he waited for the youngest brother to speak, but he didn't; he also didn't leave.

As time went on, it became painfully obvious that Mikey didn't seem to have any desire to vacate the room anytime soon. So much for some damn peace and quiet…

Well aware that his youngest brother was not going to just go away without prompting, Raphael spoke up.

"What do you _**want**_ , Mike?" Raph grunted, the words punctuated by each blow his fists dealt the saw dust bag. Mikey didn't immediately answer so he spoke again, "Where are Don and Leo? Go annoy them cause I sure as hell ain't in the mood for dis."

"Donnie's asleep and it's Leo turn for patrol." Mikey replied with a lazy shrug. From the corner of his eye, Raphael watched as he kicked at some invisible dirt around on the tattered concrete floor. "Splinter finally let me leave the Hashi just a few minutes ago cause he got tired of standing there watchin' me to make sure I wasn't goofin' off…"

The audible shift that took place in the youngest turtle's voice did not go unnoticed by Raphael. Fists slowing down only slightly, he grunted before replying, "Did ya come here just to squeeze an apology from me, or what? Ya gettin' sent to the Hashi wasn't my damn fault; dat shit was all you, so dontcha hold yer breath on that one, Mike."

"I don't want an apology." the youngest muttered under his breath.

That was enough to stop Raphael cold.

"...What?" he breathed out, hating how his voice took an octave shift with the clenching of his throat.

"I said, I don't want an apology."

"Then what do you want? I ain't exactly in the mood to entertain ya." Raph grumbled out, forcing his vision to study the nicks and grooves on the bag in front of him.

"I know, that. I'm just…I-I'm just wondering why you didn't even bother to tell me that you and April were…ya know - a ' _thing'_?" Mikey muttered under his breath but Raphael heard it perfectly and his body and mind had the reaction you would expect.

" **WHAT!?** " he nearly screeched; cheeks and heart aflame at the very accusation. His body was honed in fight or flight mode and it was leaning toward the latter with every painful second that ticked by. How _dare_ Mikey assume even **anything** was going on, let alone THAT!? Heart a fiercely guarded secret that no one better damn near know **nothing** about…

"Yeah…It's kinda hard not to notice something is goin' on between ya."

"Heh," Raph couldn't help but chuckle if only because he had no other idea of how to react, "M-Mike, I think ya got the wrong idea. There is **nothing** going on." Denying it was always the easiest route after all.

"No use lying to me now, Raph. The least you could do for stealing my girl is be honest with me." Mikey flat out admitted and Raphael almost swallowed his tongue at the firmness of his youngest brother's voice.

"S-Steal yer girl?! What the actual **fuck** gave ya that idea? April is just a friend! I -" Raphael staunchly denied in a louder voice than probably necessary; hating and trying to ignore how hot his face had become and heart palpitating uncomfortably in his chest. Deplored how his body instantly reacted to Mikey calling April " _his girl_ " bothered him more than usual.

"How do **you** know?" the youngest interrupted; angry blue eyes staring up defiantly at him. Quite a rare sight indeed…usually he was scared shit-less by his massive older brother and his domineering ways and rightly so.

" _...What?_ " it seemed as if that was his only answer for most things tonight.

"Heh. It's so obvious. I mean, she spends a helluva lot of time with you considering she's just a 'friend'," Mikey reiterated with air-quotes, "Always inviting you over and you even spending the night sometimes. All the special treats she brings you and all the movies you guys watch together… I guess I just ignored it before, but... I dunno. She's _different_ with you than she is with any of us." Mikey just seemed nonplussed now; averting his gaze and beginning to pace around the crowded space.

It reminded him far too much of too many moments prior.

How Mike usually sought him out and told him something he was afraid to tell anyone else. While he normally wore his heart on his sleeve, there were certain things Michelangelo only relayed to Raphael. A certain aspect of their relationship; a trusted bond that allowed Raph to hear things their other family members would be impervious to. It astonished him how much Mikey had trusted him with these secrets and he knew what Mike was relaying him wasn't easy for anyone; even him.

Yet another side of him refused his youngest brother's words. His own doubts and speculations about his own emotions bringing out his normal rebellion.

"Yer out of yer fuckin' **mind!** " Raph growled, eagerly returning to his beat-down on the punching bag even as his knuckles protested. Desperate to drown out his own thoughts as well as Mikey's continuing rant.

"Am I? Ya sure it's not you, bro? You typically got your head shoved so far up your ass that you barely notice anything around here! Let alone the way she looks at you!" Mikey interrupted, bravely pulling back on the punching back so Raphael couldn't reach it.

"Mike! Fuckin **stop** it! Ya don't know what the hell yer talking about!" Raphael bellowed, reaching back over to pull it back but Mikey dodged it. His cheeks were aflame and his heart was thundering against his rib-cage.

" **MIKEY!** " Raphael fired a warning shot in the form of a feral roar.

"Just fuckin' **listen** to me, Raph!" Mikey shouted; blue eyes defiant and angry for one of the first times Raphael could remember. His normally laid back clown of a brother had shifted and it was enough to give Mikey a chance to speak.

"What about tonight? You don't think I _saw_ that!?"Mikey asked, gesturing loosely to the direction of the living room. "You landed right on her tonight but instead of flinchin' and demandin' you get off of her…she looked like she **wanted** ya to kiss her or somethin'…and for a second, I kinda thought you would."

Raphael froze like a deer in the headlights.

"You may think I'm stupid Raph, but you must be completely deaf, dumb, **and** blind if ya can't see the way she looks at you… _How she always looked at you…_ " Mikey turned away, " _…_ I-I just wished I noticed it sooner to save myself the heartbreak." the words were softly-spoken, melancholy almost, as Raphael's clenched fists released.

Raphael stood as if stuck in a loophole of time. Body tense and stiff as his eyes finally gravitated toward Michelangelo to really look at him. Back was turned and shell most of what he could see but the slightly trembling in his shoulders gave him away and Raphael felt his heart rupture. As hair-brained and empty-headed as Mikey was most of the time, there was no denying the truth of the words he spoke and the conviction of which he said them.

…Mikey wouldn't have said any of it if he didn't mean it…

Catching his breath, he allowed Mike's words to flush over his body. To register the truth of them. Yeah, April and him _did_ spend an awful lot of time together…alone mostly. She always went out of her way to invite him over, buy him food. Brought over movies he liked and took time out of her hellish schedule to see him at least a once or twice a week…But that didn't mean anything… _ **right**_? April spent time with his other brothers too. Yeah, she may have spent more time with him personally but he assumed it was just because they liked the same movies. It still didn't answer exactly why she called or texted him to see how he was daily…not his brothers, but him…

… _why would she do that if she didn't…_

"See?" Mikey suddenly spoke bringing the elder brother out of his thoughts; he saw Mikey now looking at him and the sadness lacing those blue eyes didn't belong there. "I think it's more than that, Raph…actually, I know there is. Take it for whatever that is but… I dunno."

Raphael's throat felt tight as his eyes rose to the face of his brother. An utter sadness that he hated lingered there. "Y-You think she…" he stuttered before his tongue completely gave out.

"Hell, I dunno. I'm just tellin' you what I see. I may not know a lot about humans but I think I've seen enough chick flicks to warrant a lot of it…" Mikey shrugged.

"Mike…" Raph growled.

"You have to admit she spend a lot of one-on-one time with you and I doubt it's 'cause of your sparkling personality."

Raph didn't know how to answer that.

"What about you? I know it's kind of a stupid question, but, do _you_ like her that way?" Mikey asked, peering curiously at Raphael.

Raph's face felt like it was on fire; averting his amber eyes quickly before Mikey could see the shifting emotions in them.

"What the hell does it matter?" Raphael finally muttered out. What the fuckin' hell good would lying do now anyway?

"Whataya mean?"

"It ain't gonna happen, Mike." Raph replied with a dejected chuckle, loathing how his chest tightened painfully to verbally admit it. Yet, he supposed the sooner he came to terms with it, the better off he would be.

"How do you know?"

"Mike, I doubt April -"

"Look, Raph. You have an opportunity here that any of us would die for!" Mikey suddenly shouted and Raphael jumped at the pain lacing his voice. Amber eyes gravitated toward Mikey and he wished he didn't. Tears laced those sad blue eyes and it damn near broke his heart to see his little brother in that condition…

"Mike…" Raph breathed.

"Listen to me, Raph. It doesn't matter how little of a chance there is - it's still a chance! Why would you let it hold you back when this is a once in a lifetime opportunity! I mean, seriously, bro! There ain't too many girls knocking at our door. April is here and she really cares about you. I know she does…"

"...y-you think?"

Mikey shrugged, a sad smile lifting the corners of his mouth. "Heh. Well, you lucky bastard, if I were you, I wouldn't pass it up even if there was only a single chance in hell. I'd fuckin' hold on and never let go…but hey, that's just me."

Raphael grew silent.

Mind a torrent of emotions he could scarcely deal with but a sudden alarm sounding had anything he may or not have said fall to the wayside.

* * *

 


	22. Misconception

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April takes off with Casey and Raphael is not prepared to confront the possibility that he was right all along…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Never thought I'd update so quickly. It probably helps that half of this chapter has been written for months haha. Anyway, thanks for your constant support in the form of comments, faves, follows, kudos, and bookmarks! Y'all are amazing! Hope you enjoy! Xoxoxo

* * *

"Hmm…that's rather peculiar…" Donnie muttered to himself; index pushing his glasses further up his snout as he stared at the alarm system near the entrance of the lair. Thick fingers rubbing the nibbled wires between his digits and staring upon the destruction that was caused.

It had been three days and the alarms within the lair had been sounding at all random times of the day and night.

Yet when the group arrived at the source, whatever had been there to cause the damage was already long gone. Simply maddening and confusing for all involved as they tried to figure out the source of the problem. Even the security cameras they had up had been glitching out during those times and these occurrences were getting more and more alarming and frequent…

"What is it, Donnie?" Leo asked, peering over the genius's shoulder.

"This is the fifth time this week; exact same scenario occurring." Donnie mumbled, eyes trailing over the damage on their security panels, "Whether it was the security panels or water heater…last week was the electricity bracket going out…I just don't understand how the blizzard, as intense as it is, could case this to happen so frequently…" his voice dissolved into mutterings as he got lost to his work and his three brothers and their rat father looked on.

"Ya can fix it though, right?" Raph asked, rubbing at his blurry eyes. His sleep schedule had been absolute hell. The situation with April was bad enough and now he had to deal with all of this shit on top of it.

"Certainly. I just need a good seven hours to redo all the wiring, electrical hookups, exchanging the paneling, and-"

"Alright. We get it…" Raph grumbled, sorry he asked.

"Yikes, bros. You think we got some huge, mutant super rats with a vendetta against us?" Mikey asked as he looked over Donnie's shoulder.

Splinter cleared his throat.

"Nah, not like you, dad. Just a huge rat infestation problem I bet! Right, Don?"

"No…" Donnie muttered. "I doubt it's any sort of rodent. I've placed multiple traps but they never alarmed and there's no feasible evidence of any sort of infestation. If it simply was a rat infestation, we could have identified corpses, traces of hair, droppings, etc. …but there's _nothing_ to indicate anything of the sort is present."

Leo's brow ridges furrowed, "…they could have just not left evidence - couldn't they?"

"Highly improbable. They're not the cleanest creatures." Donnie shrugged almost helplessly. "If it was a rodent infestation, they would definitively left some evidence behind….but…it just doesn't make _sense_ …"

"...So, what do we do, Donnie?" Leo asked.

"Monitor the situation as best we can." Don shrugged, "There's not much else we could do. I'll go ahead and set up more surveillance equipment and traps; perhaps they're mutated from the mutagen spill we had a few months ago. Although highly unlikely, I propose that _may_ be the problem as little of a chance, I suppose anything is possible. Not exactly probable, but possible." Donnie let out a sigh; scratching at his mask in sheer frustration and lack of sleep that haunted all of them.

"Thank you for your tireless efforts to remedy the situation, Donatello. Your work is very much appreciated." Splinter spoke up as he approached his genius son and placed a hand on his arm.

"Thanks, dad." Donnie sighed but flashed his father a tired smile.

"I'm sure you're doing your best, and please, if there's _anything_ your brothers or I can do to help, do not hesitate to ask - and they _will_ do ask asked. Am I clear, my sons?"

"Hai, Sensei." Leo, Mikey, and Raph replied with a slight bow.

"Good. Run along now, there's quite a bit to do. Might as well get started." Splinter ordered; the whip of his tail had the turtles jumping into motion.

* * *

Raphael took a long, shaky breath as he exited the shower; steam licking at his scales as he wiped off the excess water that remained attached to his hide.

The day had been long and arduous by the time they finally fixed what was necessary. It was only obvious that a hot shower was in order after all the strenuous work he'd been put through today. Lifting heavy material and clearing out new areas of tunnels to add more security cameras and back-up generators. Donnie could be a bit melodramatic and panicky in situations where the electricity (especially his computer monitors) were endangered, so it was only obvious he'd put in back-ups in case there was another incident later on.

" _No such thing as too prepared!"_ his genius brother's motto weighed in on his tired mind.

As strange as the past few days had been with the failing equipment and damage, there was one thing that was forever constant in the forefront of his mind - April. Let's face it, these past three days had been hellish for him. Dealing with his own emotions and Mikey's words still fluttering around in his mind and he was still trying to figure it all out.

Trying to understand what his next move, if any, should be.

Raph was just so damn confused by it all! Trying to explain away all of April's touching, spending time with him, bringing him food and drink, asking him over, calling and texting him, and treating him kinder than should have been necessary. Spending the better part of the past few days trying his damnedest to wrap his head around the small gestures she made. The tender caress of her hand on him when she thought he was asleep. Hugging him around his neck, brushing her nose over her, and the one time she kissed his cheek…it was all just too much to absorb at once.

Allowing his heart to calm a bit, Raphael finished wiping off his body before putting on his clean clothes and dumping the dirty ones in the overflowing hamper.

"Fuckin' Mikey." Raph growled under his breath upon seeing the mountain of dirty clothes and knowing it was his youngest brother's turn to do the laundry this week, "Always makin' me pick up after dat little shi…" he started but his voice drifted off.

Silently recalling that conversation with his youngest brother and that was there it hit him the hardest. For Michelangelo to be so forward; to say words that he would have never believed would be uttered from anybody; let alone his absent-minded little brother… A sudden pang echoed deep in his chest and he allowed a breath to escape from between his lips. Temporarily swallowing his anger, he picked up the hamper as well as a few stray clothes littered around before heading to the laundry room.

Once there, Raphael began wordlessly separating the whites and darks and placing them in different piles before dumping one set into the washer. Screwing off the top of the detergent and pouring the correct amount in, he started the machine. As he stared down into the churning motor, Raph allowed his mind to wander. To think about things he'd been putting off for days; facing facts and options he really didn't want to deal with but they flooded in anyway.

Before long, his head began to ache and he knew a full nights sleep was in order. Yeah, it was barely after 6 o'clock, but dammit, he was **tired**! Pushing away those thoughts he'd rather face more rested, he entered the main area of the lair and heard something he was not prepared for.

* * *

"You busy, Raph?" Donnie asked and the red-banded brother clenched his jaw. Forced to stop mid-step on his way to the bedrooms was not exactly welcomed right now.

"Nah. I was gonna patrol for awhile to get some air." Raphael lied. That was typically the easiest route; couldn't a guy just get some shut-eye without being interrogated?

"In that case, do you mind swinging by April's place and fixing her dishwasher? When she called me tonight, she sounded pretty damn desperate."

Raph froze; body in a state of limbo as Donnie's question left his throat. Thinking back these past three days, he realized now that he hadn't received a single message, text, or even missed call from the pretty brunette. Whereas she would contact him multiple times a day, she hadn't reached out to him at all since that night…and yet, _Donnie_ spoke to her?

April called his brother - but not _him_ …?

…his heart suddenly clogged his throat.

"You can do it, right? Or am I gonna have to go?" Donnie's sardonic voice was deadpanned as it broke through Raph's clouded mind and he immediately clenched his jaw and fists to keep from smacking the smart-ass Donatello into next week.

If there was anything Raphael hated more, it was being demeaned - something Don knew all too well and sometimes he liked to get under his shell to make him squirm. Raphael didn't exactly blame him as he took in Donnie's purple bagged and red-rimmed eyes. Ultimately chalking it up to Donnie's bad mood from lack of sleep - it always tended to make Don a little less pissy than a rabid coyote with a huge, cutting vocabulary.

"Don't fuck with me, Don." Raph growled, "Ya know I can."

The genius didn't bother a response; just shrugged and motioned to a nearby tool kit before going back to work on something or other.

Raphael left the lair in a huff.

* * *

The air, if possible, seemed further chilled than last time.

Harsh winds and sleet digging into his scales and he inwardly cursed at his predicament.

Raphael was not at all prepared to face April tonight - hell, probably not for at least a week, but here he was. Slowly moving toward her apartment as fast as the blizzard was allotting him. It didn't take him as long as he would have liked when he soon found himself atop her apartment and scaling down the fire escape.

In front of her frosted window, he peered inside. April was no where in sight when his knuckles subconsciously rapped on the pane and he waited in silent anticipation for her to open it. Silently preparing himself what to say; never could have predicted what awaited on the other side…

* * *

"Thank God you're he - **Oh**! _Raph_?! H-H-Hey." April said with wide, confused eyes; the brunette appearing apprehensive and nervous as she lifted the window for him to enter.

Raphael didn't think too much of it since April had been under a considerable amount of stress lately with her job; so ignoring the tone of her voice, he slipped in through the window. The wonderful warmth of her apartment a welcome change to the blizzard happening outside.

"Hey. How are ya?" he asked, placing the toolbox on a nearby kitchen counter as he wiped some excess sleet from his massive shoulders.

"I-I'm fine - b-but what are _you_ doing here any -" April started but was interrupted when someone else in her apartment made their unwelcome presence known.

" **Hey**! Raphael! What's up, man?" Casey _**fuckin'**_ Jones slipped into view and Raphael's stomach plummeted into his bowels. "Haven't seen you for awhile. How have you been?" the vigilante asked with his hand out offered for a handshake; seemingly not caring about the hostility reeking of Raphael in waves.

Raphael tried his damnedest not to show his dissatisfaction at the man's presence but it was fuckin' hard not to.

_Just what the_ _**HELL** _ _was he doing here?!_

Raphael knew it was stupid to ask that for Casey had been to April's on numerous occasions, even alone, but Raphael did not ponder that in fear he'd murder the man in cold blood just for breathing the same air as April. But this was strange for him to be here considering how things were going between himself and the brunette recently, at least in Mikey's opinion and perhaps his if he allowed himself to think about it further. The last person he expected to see at her place was the wannabe detective - yet, here he was.

"Nothin'." Raph grumbled out a reply, hoping one word answers would halt this unwanted conversation-in-progress.

"Aw, that's a damn shame. Haven't cracked any good skulls lately?" the charismatic Jones asked with a breathy chuckle and Raphael's fists itched to punch him in his pretty boy face with all those perfect white teeth flashin'.

"No, but I plan to..."

April butted in quick when the conversation seemed to be growing worse, "Hey, Raph, what are you _doing_ here? I thought Donnie was going to come fix my dishwasher." April asked, probably completely unaware of how unbelievably rude she sounded.

"He was, but got caught up tryin' to fix our security systems and since I'm da only one else who could do it, I figured I'd come over for ya." he responded, surprised he wasn't grinding his teeth at just how uncomfortable all of this was.

"Wait… _You_ can fix my dishwasher?" she asked and Raphael's heart ached at the question and her insinuation he was somehow incompetent.

"Course' I can!" he growled.

"Well, I've told you about it a half a dozen times that it was a piece of broken shit, yet you _never_ offered to fix it before."

"Ya never asked me to!"

"Was I supposed to? I-I've told you how frustrated I've been with it and…" April voice trailed off as she sighed, dainty fingers squeezing the bridge of her nose.

Raphael was silent as the words came from her mouth. Never had April spoke to him as she was doing now; she seemed tired, stressed and angry for no apparent reason. Eyes lifting to the clueless vigilante staring nearby, he supposed that could very well be the cause and that depleted any confusion on his part.

"Look. I'm sorry, Raph. Thanks. Um... I was just on my way out, so sorry if I can't stick around to help." April muttered, brushing back her hair off her shoulders as she barely spared him a glance.

"'S fine. I got it. Yer leavin' too, right?" Raph grumbled toward the human male.

"He's the reason I'm leaving." April explained, suddenly sounding a bit more chipper, "Me and Casey are heading out but if you need me, just call me on my cell."

Raph was too shocked to speak as Casey interjected.

"Yeah, dude! Too bad you can't come too. It's my big local hockey playoff game and I'd rather not ask my poor elderly mom to come, April was kind enough to offer her support."

"Hmm. I dunno, Case. I may just be rooting for the other team." April laughed and Raphael hoped his face remained calm even as his heart staked permanent residence in his throat when Casey laughed; suddenly moving his arm around April's shoulders.

It only slightly alleviated when April promptly pushed his arm away but in that playful way she did it only intensified the growing pain in his chest.

"Heh. Yeah. But anyway, we're gonna be late if we don't get going." Casey chuckled, eyes suddenly glued to Raph's. "It was nice seeing you, Raphael. Don't be a stranger, okay?" the detective asked with his hand offered but Raph did not have any intention on shaking it.

"..." Raph was too lost in his own musings and heart being squeezed distressingly to really react to anything but the intense pain.

"Alright. Uh, anyway… I'll see you later, Raphael." Casey chuckled, moving to grab his coat by the door as Raph was suddenly left alone with April.

"Sorry for running out on you like this, Raph." April seemed like her normal self in those seconds, "If you want something to drink or eat, there's some soda and snacks in the fridge. Help yourself, alright?"

Desperately afraid to speak in fear he'd say something egregiously stupid, Raphael just stiffly nodded.

"Great. See you!" April smiled, turned around to leave but froze for a second. She turned around to face him again; a flash of something he didn't catch in her eyes as she spoke again, "Um…maybe if you're still here when I get back - we could, um…Tell you what, I-I'll just see you then. …okay?"

"Ape! I'm gonna be late!" Casey announced; voice carrying from where he'd exited her apartment and was waiting in the hall. The nickname he gave her had Raphael's intestines twisting uncomfortably.

"Coming!" She shouted back at the detective before her eyes met Raph's again. A sudden hand was gently placed on his forearm and his heart accelerated without his permission.

"Thanks, Raph. I'll see you later, okay? W-We'll catch up; just wait for me, alright?" beautiful smile lifting the edges of her pink lips. With a soft pat on his arm and a spin, she headed out the door with a wave. A click of the lock and she was gone.

The flowery scent of her long, flowing hair infiltrating his nostrils prolonged after she had already left. Heart hammering uncomfortably in his chest, he felt strangely at ease by her words. April would be back later on - _she said she would_. They were only attending a hockey game after all - something her and Casey were known to do together. It would be like all those other times and she'd be home within hours - that was it. Raph was certain it was.

Encouraged, he slowly got to work on her dishwasher; taking his time with multiple breaks to watch a little television or take something out of the fridge, he soon found himself watching the clock rather than the late night news or the few sporting events.

Raphael watched as the minutes and hours ticked by until it was midnight.

The dishwasher was long since fixed and he was on his fifth soda. Steeling himself with excuses of overtime and maybe they went out for a bite to eat afterward. Raph still waited even as it became after two o'clock and he'd eaten the remainder of some re-heated old Chinese take-out she had left.

Soon, he found himself pacing back and forth; steps heavy and loud. Her downstairs neighbors probably thinking she'd acquired a pet elephant but he didn't care at all right now as more time slipped through his fingers.

A strange pain building in his chest as four o'clock came and went. Nervous and full of trepidation as the sun began rising and filtering through her frosted windows…

_...and still, April never came home..._

* * *

 


	23. Devastation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While awaiting for April to come back home, Raphael learns things he's not at all prepared to hear…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the (wow - four month) delay; this chapter did not want to come together whatsoever but I think I finally worked it out. Hope you enjoy. Here's to hoping the next one won't take as long as this one did, but I can't make any promises. ;-p
> 
> Thanks again for your patience!

* * *

…there had to be an explanation - there just HAD to be...

Every logical part of him tried to come up with something reasonable to explain this behavior after everything they'd been through. Heart hammering and throat parched, Raphael continued to pace around her small apartment. Habitually glancing out the many windows and keeping his scattered focus on her front door, looking down at his cell phone and searching for any clue as to tip him off as to when the beautiful brunette would make her return.

The trepidation of fear and anxiety began boiling deep in his gut without any hopes of alleviating.

Raphael was sorely tempted to text, to call if only to make sure she was okay was becoming an all-encompassing need. Yet another side of him said that he was being ridiculous; perhaps it was just a long game and they had lost track of time at a 24-hour restaurant or pub but as the minutes and hours slowly ticked by without a sign of her intending to return to her apartment, Raphael gradually lost his mind to panic.

Desperation and fear coiling in his gut; terrified for her safety.

Yes, he was damn well aware Casey wasn't just some pretty boy and could in fact defend himself. Raphael didn't need to be reminded of his heroic actions regarding Bebop and Rocksteady that day but there was a doubt, a piece of truth Raphael needed to confront -

Casey was only human.

A decent-enough fighter yet one that couldn't even hope to stand up to more than three or four foot soldiers at the most. He trusted him to be able to protect April more than Ol' Captain Vern but that wasn't saying fucking much…

The criminal activities and the Foot Clan and Karai's prison escape was not far from his mind and it was driving him insane. Karai being their temporary leader left the Foot an actual looming threat and with April out there in the city with no one more than Casey to protect her had his stomach churning with undesirable outcomes for either. The Foot was made up with experienced ninjas under Karai's control - anything could happen at any damn time and April had no real protection other than a pretty boy with a hockey stick….

Raphael was _really_ beginning to panic.

Mind awash with scenarios he did not want to confront; possibilities that they both were indeed in trouble (Casey he didn't care so much - but April…). Picturing the beautiful brunette captured, hurt, crying for help without no one to heed her panicked calls…them hurting her, brutalizing her for information…even killing her to shut her up…

It was now 7am and there was still no sign or call from April, it finally became too damn much for him.

Grabbing his cell phone in massive shaky hands, he dialed her number before putting the small device to his ear. Desperately awaiting her lovely voice on the other line; resolute to hear her distinct tone echoing in ear. For her to answer and successfully push aside his own fearful connotations and his doubts to rest; that she was indeed fine and dandy and he was being far too apprehensive and worried for absolutely no reason (it wouldn't be the first time). Raphael would gladly take a bit of embarrassment for the chance to just hear her on the other line right now…

"Hey!" her voice started after a few rings - sounding like a beautiful chiming bell.

" **APRIL**!" Raphael bellowed beside himself; heat plummeting to his bowels when her voice suddenly continued uninterrupted.

"-You've reached April O'Neil. I'm unavailable right now but if leave your name and number after the tone, I'll be sure to call you back as soon as I can! Have a nice day!" her message finished and he could see her signature smile she always ended her broadcast with in his mind...Stomach dropping to his bowels like an anchor to the bottom of a lake when reality hit him…

Raphael swallowed thickly.

Heart hammering and nostrils flaring, he pulled the phone away from his face and hung it up with a shaking thumb. Excuses immediately filling his brain so he wouldn't be forced to think of other scenarios he really did not want to fathom let alone entertain. Maybe she was in the bathroom, left it on silent, or perhaps her phone just died…

…That was possible, wasn't it?

Raphael suddenly ran to her kitchen where she always left her phone cord plugged in and, like he suspected, it was there. That made sense. April just forgot her charger so her phone probably just died and she got caught up; maybe even got called into work hours ago. She was just too occupied to get the chance to call him and tell him she wouldn't be there until later on that day…

_Yeah, that was probably it…_

Within half an hour and still no sign or call from April to be had, Raphael was forced to accept the other possibilities. Flicking on the news, desperately hoping to perhaps see her beautiful face and happily delivering the morning news - all safe and sound. But she wasn't, but there was also no news of an attack or anything of the sort but it still wasn't enough to ease the hallow sensation filling his stomach…

A dreadful feeling he hadn't experienced since he was watching her fall from Sack's tower…

Lowering his eyes from the television, he called her again and like the past ten or so times, it went to voice-mail but more alarming was the fact it went from three rings - to two - than one before just going to voice-mail automatically….Desperation leaking into his gut, Raphael was sorely enticed to head outside and start tearing apart the city looking for her but it now being daylight, there was amount of ninjitsu, no training, and no force on Heaven or earth that would cause him from NOT being seen.

Yet as the seconds and minutes quietly ticked by without knowing where she was or what the hell could have happened, Raphael was beginning not to care.

Screw Splinter and Leonardo's constant berating of never being seen in daylight - April _needed_ him. Raphael stood up, sorely tempted to just fling the window open and search every corner of the city for her. To ignore the screams of the citizens regarding his massive, horrid form; he wouldn't care as long as he found April. Yet when he approached the window and was so ready to just throw it open and leave…her voice in his head stopped him. Telling him to stick around - to wait for her to return. That kept him stuck there - wanting to keep his promise to stay…so he did.

"April…" he breathed; heart hammering painfully and sweat tickling at his underarms, neck, and forehead as he lost himself to his fears. Raphael was nearly hyperventilating as he plopped himself down on her couch; the leather and wood creaking painfully underneath his massive weight.

"Dammit! Where the fuck are ya?" he growled, rubbing his hand over his forehead to swipe at the beads of sweat that accumulated.

As the minutes slowly ticked by, an idea sprung to his mind and before he could even think of any connotations or questions that would await him later, he dialed his phone again.

"DONNIE!" Raphael screamed as soon as the genius turtle answered with a slurred 'what?'

"Ugh…what _is_ it, Raph? It's too fuckin' early for you to call me…" Donnie replied grouchily and Raphael could practically see the purple-banded turtle rubbing at his eyes from the other end of the line. "Where the hell are you anyway? Patrol go on too long or what?"

"...April never came home." Raphael breathed out, not even caring how absolutely petrified he probably sounded to his genius brother.

"...what the hell are you talkin' about, Raph?" Donnie grumbled and it was blatantly obvious he was still half asleep and in no mood to deal with any of this shit.

"Did ya fuckin' _hear_ me, Don?! I said - April never came home last night!"

"...you mean she wasn't there when you went to fix her dishwasher?"

"No, Don! She left with Casey last night."

"...on a date?" was the puzzled or rather pitied reply.

" **NO**!" Raphael shouted; genuinely surprised at himself for being so damn angry in response. He swallowed before he continued in a much more calm manner, "No, i-it was jus' a hockey game or somethin'."

"...Okay…So if she didn't come home, so what? Also, what are you still doing there? Are you still fixing it? It shouldn't have taken you **that** long." Donnie replied sounding slightly more awake but just as salty as always.

"Don't ya give me that! Of course I fuckin' fixed it! B-Besides, that doesn't fuckin' matter, Don! She never came home!" Raph shouted; cheeks heating from anger and frustration and why the hell wasn't Donnie just as worried as him!?

"Raph, she probably just went to a bar with Casey or something. I wouldn't worry about it." Donnie waved him off and Raphael had it.

"April **promised,** Don!" Raphael bellowed, found himself loudly stomping his foot against her thin carpet without thinking and if the downstairs neighbors hated him already, they _really_ hated him now.

"...Promised **what** , Raph?" Donnie responded in a sardonic tone - one Raphael was _really_ getting sick of hearing.

"April promised me that she would come home last night - she _told_ me to wait for her here…"

Donnie grew silent for a long time as if quietly mulling over this new information and when the genius didn't make any more complains or sarcastic barbs as if Raph was indeed being irrational, Raph knew the direness of this situation suddenly fell over Donnie as well.

"...she did?" Donatello asked, a breathy concern to his voice was easily detected to Raph's sharp ears.

"Yes." Raph grunted out. If anything, his panic only increased at hearing how utterly concerned Donnie sounded with just those two words.

"That doesn't sound right that she didn't come home then."

"What 'ave I been saying dis whole fuckin'; time, Einstein!?" Raph growled, anger sating his need to panic, the need to rip this city to pieces until he found the beautiful brunette - hopefully safe and sound.

"Calm down, Raph! M-Maybe she just forgot."

"April never forgets and she'd never break a promise!" Raphael reasoned and it indeed was true - April wouldn't be lax about a promise; no one was more loyal or punctual than April.

"..." Donatello was silent. An unspoken worry that echoed between the silence. Very real fear plaguing the tension-filled air surrounding them. "Do you think…?" Donnie finally muttered out; both of their minds going to the prison break and news of Foot Clan activity running rampant throughout the town.

Raphael didn't speak, his heart plummeting in fear of something Leonardo had perpetually warned him about. The steadfast nights he'd been over at April's; watching her house and keeping a constant vigilance. How was he certain no one was watching _him_?

… _if something happened to April because of his recklessness…_

" **DONNIE**! You need to track her phone!" Raphael suddenly bellowed and Donnie yelped at the sudden sound.

"Okay! _**Okay**_!" Donatello screamed back and Raphael listened carefully as Donnie's footsteps rang about and the obvious squeaking of the rolling computer chair he sat on.

For long, terse minutes, all Raphael could hear was Donnie's labored breathing, the clack of computer keys and his own heartbeat pounding in his ears. So many scenarios playing in his head; multiple horrifying images of the Foot Clan capturing his beloved April, holding her against her will, torturing her for information about them and knowing April…she'd die before she gave them up.

A lump clogged his throat, a burning sensation in the back of his eyes alarming his heart to a near standstill. Raphael wanted to cry, scream, tear the entire fucking city apart and find those who may have stolen her and rip them limb from limb, rip their insides out through their throat while they're still alive.

_If those bastards laid one finger on her…_

"Raph?" Donnie's calm voice filled his ears suddenly and he was gratefully flung from those thoughts. Fists loosening from his white-knuckled grasp as he heard the voice of his younger brother.

"What is it, Don?! Where the fuck is she!?" Raphael didn't beat around the bush; bellowing at this point. Utter and complete terror filling his chest and hanging on every one of Donnie's words he had yet to speak. "Just tell me where she is and I'll go get her!" he further demanded.

"Raph." Donnie muttered and he stilled at how utterly calm Donnie seemed, "April's fine." the genius completed.

The utter relief that filled Raphael's chest was sadly short lived when another thought plagued him.

"... _what_? B-But wait - then where is she!? She should have come home!" Raphael shouted, very well aware of how utterly pathetic and hysterical he sounded.

"Raph - she's **fine - t** hat's all you need to know. She's…in familiar territory." Donnie was being annoyingly vague, and damn, it was beyond frustrating.

"...is she at work?" Raph asked hopefully.

"...She's fine." Donnie decided upon his vagueness but Raphael was not going to allow it anymore.

"Don, are you fucking _hiding_ something from me? Where the **fuck** is April!?"

"..."

"DON!"

"...Raph, i-i-it's nothin!," Don answered with a stutter and that scared him more than anything, "a-and I-I don't necessarily think that information is entirely impervious to this harrowing situation and furthermore - "

"Dammit, Donnie! Stop beating around the fuckin' bush already! Where the fuck **is** she!? Just **TELL** me!" Raphael shouted; voice booming into the other end of his cell phone to where Donatello went completely silent at his outburst.

Long moments passed of deafening silence; own heart hammering painfully and if he had expected anything, this certainly wasn't it…

" _...she's at Casey's apartment…"_ Donnie muttered out.

It was as if Raphael's heart suddenly became encased in ice…

"...what?" the words left before he even realized he could form them anymore.

"Hey, I-I bet it's nothing, Raph. Heh. Maybe she just didn't want him to drive back in the snow and decided to crash there." Donnie chuckled but Raphael felt as if he was going to be sick.

April had promised him she'd be back…

She lied…

April never lied to him before…

"Raph? Hey… Raph, maybe this is just a big misundersta-" Donnie's voice was cut off when Raphael suddenly hung up the phone.

* * *

 


	24. Speculation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raphael tries to rationalize April's behavior with horrifying…or maybe hope-filled results.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Thanks for 200 kudos! That's simply astounding! *_*
> 
> You know, hard to believe but we're hitting the final stretch of this story. The rest has been planned (and mostly written) since around the time I started publishing. I'm thinking it'll end up to be around 32 chapters if I planned it out right. Thanks for sticking with me through it all!

* * *

Raphael sat silent; the springs protesting his weight had not so much as squeaked since he plopped himself of the couch after hanging up on Donatello more than three hours ago.

His mind aflutter with things he dared not want to encounter.

_Confusion…_

_Questions._

Wondering just where the _hell_ had he'd gone wrong?!

Raphael swore to the highest power that there had to be _something_ between him and April. A friendship that had been nurtured and growing rapidly over the past two years; a hopeless infatuation he had been cast under its spell for far too long. Ever since learning her name or getting a glimpse into those endlessly blue eyes or grasping her dainty hand for the first time. How April didn't even flinch the second her soft, warm flesh touched his cool hardened scales.

It was as if he _wasn't_ a freak to her - that the horrid creature he saw in the mirror every fucking day was _not_ what she seen whenever she openly looked at him.

That moment he saw her over Splinter, trying her hardest to move that chunk of rock off his master - Raphael had saw her differently. Where he'd once been so _angry_ at this human seeing them and all their horrid appearances - it all faded to dust with April O'Neil. A breathtakingly beautiful woman who was more curious than afraid; more daring than prejudiced, more loving than hating. Someone who looked beyond what they were on the outside when he doubted anyone could ever do such a thing.

All his life, he distrusted humans. Believing if they were ever caught, they'd be tortured, experimented on before being killed, dissected, stuffed, and put on display for all of humanity to mock and gawk at - cold, lifeless glass eyes staring back at their horrified faces for the rest of eternity.

_Yet that's not how it went…_

Those rare times he had to reveal himself to people to save them; recalled mostly prostitutes, druggies, and the severely intoxicated as the only ones to had seen him (not including Casey and the few members of the NYPD of course). Some would scream or run, others would just marvel, and even the choice few tried to approach but Raphael rarely stayed in those situations. Swiftly scaling buildings with great ease to get out of their line of sight and hope they drummed up their experience as a strange dream, trick of the eye, or side-effect of their drug of choice. Wake up the next morning and just accost it to some strange dream or nightmare…at least he hoped.

Raphael wasn't sure what to expect when April took that picture of them atop that building that night. Hadn't the faintest idea what to expect when he grabbed her with a kurisagi chain and pulled her screaming form toward them. The second she gained her bearings, Mikey introduced himself and April promptly fainted - _that_ , he expected. What he didn't expect was the outright calm she was upon awakening minutes later; looking each of them in the eyes…warm cornflower blue eyes meeting his as if it was nothing when no human ever dared meet his golden gaze before.

In an instant, he _knew_ something was different about her.

April O'Neil was so unlike those few humans he encountered before. Calm, level-headed, and respectful while greeting his master; speaking softly and listening intently.

_Raphael's once-impenetrable heart didn't stand a fucking chance..._

During their mission to save Splinter, there were moments she latched onto his arm, slipped by his side and wasn't afraid to lean against him. More as if she was searching for shelter and damn, did he ever want to protect her. So fragile, dainty, and beautiful - like a damsel in distress hat needed rescuing but one thing was for sure, April proved she could hold her own. Recalling that moment on the rooftop - no fear in those eyes as she bellowed at Shredder, effectively distracting the tin can from further attack. How nearly two years later, without any hesitation, she'd broken into the New York police station and was willing to go to prison to set them free…

How afraid he had been in that moment. Meeting her eyes and how easily he read them; she _wanted_ him to go - to be the one to protect him for a change… In that moment, one overcome by fear and anxiety of the future, one thing was painfully clear - he was helplessly in love with April O'Neil and had been for quite some time.

Over the course of their strange friendship the past two years, it was bound to happen. All they'd been through with Shredder, Karai, Kraang, Bebop, Rocksteady, Baxter Stockman, and even Casey Jones - all this time, Raphael really believed April was feeling something too.

Trying to rationalize the fact that the brunette sought him out; took time out of her busy schedule to grace him with her presence on numerous occasions. So easily she talked to him about serious matters or nothing in particular. The barest hints of her fingertips gliding over his thick reptilian skin without prompting; touching him without prompt - as if she wanted to. The multiple times she embraced him; fingers gently probing into his side as she rested her head and unbelievably soft breasts upon his plastron, her hair tickling the sensitive grooves. Multiple nights they watched movies at her place - how halfway during, almost like clockwork, April would rest her head on his bicep; curling her body closer to him and allowing him to revel in her incredible warmth…

… _and that kiss…_

A night not too long ago still so vivid in his mind. The brunette gently pulling his face toward her and how others would gasp and flinch at such a horrid sight - she smiled. Her eyes slipping closed before she closed the distance and pressed her petal soft lips upon his rugged cheek. For that fraction of a second, it was as if something that had at once seemed so unfathomable to him - so unreachable…was finally in grasp.

The possibility of this beautiful human who'd stolen his heart so long ago…might, just maybe…possibly love him back…

Raphael's normally pessimistic side came out in these moments.

How unrealistic all of it was - how kind April was to others and touchy with more than him. Sure, she may have found him good company and they had been friends for so long. Friends hug, lean on each other, and good friends even kiss each others cheeks occasionally if television shows were at all accurate about human interactions. It could have been just wishful thinking or his own desperate infatuations with her to create these scenarios and amplify them to make it more than it is…for really, how could someone like April love anyone like him?

It dawned on him now.

Donnie's words of April's location, her lying to him about returning, and the fact she had been alone with Casey all night doing God knows what hit him square in the gut. How all of the moments he had with her prior - the ones he treasured in his mind and heart; hoping to look back at them as beautiful foreshadowing of possibly him being with her…all of those moments…

… _could have really meant absolutely_ _ **nothing**_ _to her…_

To consider the fact it took him until this very moment where he'd finally comprehended that April had indeed spent the night at Casey's to figure it all out.

Perhaps _he_ was the idiot in this all along.

Reluctantly watching the ease in which Casey and April communicated only after half a year of knowing of each other's existence. The look on her face and sparkle in her eyes when she first saw the masked, hockey-stick wielding detective...

Raphael wasn't stupid - he saw the way Casey looked at her and vice versa - the attraction that was almost immediate between them - as intensely nauseating as it was. Yet, even he would even admit (under threat of death only) that Casey was _semi_ -attractive for a human. Just another physically fit pretty boy with a fancy muscle car, annoyingly charming personality, and perfect white teeth - what girl wouldn't at least notice him?

… _Raphael just figured April was different…_

That she appreciated personality and loyalty to physical appearances…why else would she have spent time with him anyway if that wasn't true?

At first, the thought caused him some comfort. Especially since April and Casey's initial first weeks after meeting, she stopped seeing him regularly when they were spending almost every other day together. It was initially troubling to see April and Casey's relationship happen almost immediately as Raphael tried to swallow back his growing feelings for the beautiful brunette. He didn't worry long for April started calling him more; going to the lair and seeking him out. Their easy friendship kicking right back up where it left off and all of a sudden, those fears of her and Casey started drifting but never fully went away…for good reason.

Raphael let out a deep breath, the soda perched in his hand long since warm as he took a swig of it; the bubbles burning his esophagus all the way down. Crushing the now empty can in his hand until it remained nothing more than a small ball of aluminum didn't satisfy him like usual. Mind far too adrift with very real fears and anxieties that plagued him; how little he saw of Casey but how April mentioned him all the time. The hours she spent with him Raphael knew nothing about…

The one he dreaded most was realizing…

… _he was right all along._

Perhaps there was more to it than met the eye. How April was probably well aware of his dislike for Casey and so she kept whatever relationship they had a secret from him in fear he'd explode and hurt him in some facet. April's kindness toward him and wanting to protect him emotionally could also be a factor. Maybe they'd already been dating; perhaps they were already together but the only reason she kept hanging out with him was out of some sort of pity. Seeing how cooped up he was in the lair if their shared texts were any indication of his mindset.

…maybe that's all he was to her…

A friend she spent time with out of some weird sense of obligation to keep him in line. To ease his anger issues for everyone knew what a calming effect she had over him. That maybe all this time, she never wanted any part of this. Only kept in contact because he was cleaner and better company than his overbearing brothers. That April saw him more as a part of her family; a brother or cousin she liked to hang with but nothing more…Yet, why the hell would she go so out of her way to spend so much time with him, buy his favorite snacks, and rent his favorite types of movies? He sure as hell didn't go that far for his brothers so why the hell would she?

Raphael took a deep sigh; shoulders deflating as it left his system.

…Maybe he was just over-analyzing this entire situation. Sure, he may be paranoid and pessimistic but it felt easier to be that way rather than optimistic about the circumstances.

Yet another side of him stopped in his tracks.

Thought about Donnie's words before he hung up on him what already felt like a lifetime ago. More reasonable explanations flitting about his troubled mind and perhaps…it _**was**_ a simple misunderstanding like Don was trying to tell him.

Other scenarios he hadn't yet considered.

It could have been as simple as Casey taking a puck to the nuts and needed to be taken the hospital. April, being way to fucking nice for her own good, probably stayed to make sure he was okay; her phone dying during the time and she had no way of contacting him to say she wouldn't be home. The very thought had a partial smirk lifting his lips and the more he thought about it, the more it seemed to make more sense than anything had thus far. Maybe Donnie was right…ya know, like always and he was being spastic and unreasonable…again, like usual.

Reminding himself that this was _April -_ the incredibly beautiful, loyal girl he'd known for two years. The one who _never_ let him down before and went above and beyond the call of duty during her time in helping them take out the crime in the city. An irreplaceable ally and constant companion who had never judged them. The same one who he watched movies with, shared popcorn, and spent so any nights getting lost in her eyes and contagious laughter. Woman who touched him and curled up next to him; smiling and looking at him as if he wasn't a six foot tall freak of nature. Looking at him as if he was valuable, loved, and a wonderful friend in her eyes…it was all the same April whom he was still waiting for to come home.

So…maybe this was all just a big misunderstanding.

That any time now, she would waltz in the door, smile, apologize for her absence; explain that Casey got hurt or injured as an excuse for her absence. That he'd gotten hit with a puck and hopefully even lost a few of his perfect teeth and had to spend the night in emergency dental surgery. In Raphael's opinion, it would serve the pretty boy right…

A sudden burst of hope filled his chest; craning his stiff neck up to realize the sun had since fallen from the sky. What used to be a bright sunny morning last time he checked was now trickling into early winter evening…and April was still gone.

Swallowing back a lump of anxiety, Raphael stood to his feet to resume his frantic pacing when a sudden sound of a key pushing and turning in the lock filled his ears.

* * *

 


End file.
